My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

Or it's a choice you've made because it's what you think is best for your child and family.

Also I don’t understand what’s wrong with wanting luxuries? Surely most people would naturally want to give their children opportunities / housing etc better than what they had themselves. At the end of the day you don’t meet an adult and think ‘ooh I bet they had a SAHP’ or ‘I bet they were in nursery’ it literally doesn’t matter one bit to their outcomes

Tell her you’re taking her advice and moving to North Shields. Sorry she won’t see her DGC much…

Just ignore the comments hard as it may be.
Yes we have a lot more 'luxuries' now but many are needed to keep up and not have our kids in relative poverty eg the Internet etc.

Back in the day things were hard but there were also some things that helped eg interest rate relief etc. Also if you were to separate and were a SAHM you were more likely to get spousal support etc. You could stay at home until child 16 on benefits etc. Also, not sure in the stats, but seemed like less divorce then? Feels more risky now on relying on a partner financially.

I think I would just change the subject when she mentions it or say, ' well plenty of women worked back then too' because deep down she may be conscious of never having worked and be protesting too much.

Firstly, it is not the 50s. They’re never coming back. Everything is different now and it’s stupid to compare one aspect of life now with back then with no consideration of the context.

How long does your mum feel you should give up work for? I understand the sentiment of being at home with a baby (I went back to work when my kids were 9 months old both times and it’s not easy) but are you really going to tank your career, adopt a frugal lifestyle, move the whole family halfway across the country, when he will be at school all day once he’s 4?

Also, I think that often we don’t like to talk about the advantages that having money brings to children - at 14 months they are just happy with some cups and sand or whatever but he isn’t going to be a baby forever - and having a reasonable amount of disposable income means children can travel, do extra curricular activities, get new experiences. I like being able to afford luxuries - I can say yes when they ‘really want to go to Disneyland’ or ‘really want a horse riding party’ - and I think it’s a valid choice to lead a life where those things are going to be financially viable.

Don't listen to her. You don't have to be a SAHM, you are working and doing what is best for your own family.
Is there anywhere else close to nursery yet can work, coffee shop or library? I'm just thinking it might be easier for you to work if your mum isn't there criticising your choices,
Or tell you you are considering moving miles away but this means she will rarely see her grandchild. I bet she won't be overly happy about that!

Sending a huge hug. I too have a Strained relationship with my mum and often feel when we are together I revert back to being 13 years old with her. She also does little digs at me but I’ve learned to just ice it out and literally ignore ignore and steer the convo away. I realised she won’t ever change and the only person it was upsetting was myself so I had to just let it wash over me, easier said than done!
but honestly nobody has to live your life but you. Unless she wants to pay your bills, pension and NI contributions then she doesn’t have a say unfortunately 😝 x

It sounds like you started the conversation- I've learnt the hard way to avoid discussions comparing the generations.

She probably had hard times where she was struggling financially so is just hearing it as a criticism.

BTW I'm not sure that's completely true that it's harder now as wages have soared compared to inflation since the 70s/80s. Yes housing costs more but almost everything else is way cheaper.

The important thing is that you do not let her opinions - which are entirely valid and she is allowed to hold them - undermine the decisions that you and your partner have made - which equally are entirely valid and you are allowed to hold them.

It is inevitable that different circumstances, house prices, expectations etc. will influence how families choose to operate, but that is fine and need not be a cause of conflict.

Is she saying that you are doing it all wrong, or is she just talking about how things were and you feel undermined by that?

She is not wrong - there were some advantages to life in the 50s in spite of the post war austerity - but then neither are you wrong. You are operating under very different circumstances and you must do what feels right to you and is appropriate to your family.

She should not be voicing these opinions and you should not let them get to you. Hold your head up high, do not be defensive and just carry right on. Make vague responses - hmm, oh really - and let it wash by you. Have confidence in your own decisions.

I am a grandmother and occasionally feel some concerns about the decisions my AC make as parents - not often thankfully - but I say not a word - the zip on my lips is firmly closed! Clearly your Mum has mislaid her zip, so all you can do is behave as though it is there and let it all wash by you.

You do you - that is fine.

I sort of understand the sentiment, as a working parent myself. I could have stayed home with mine, we'd have lived a much smaller life, smaller home (would have taken us a lot longer to buy and would have been a much smaller home) we'd likely have 1 car, no holidays. For some a parent at home might outweigh that, but it doesn't for me, I wanted a large home, holidays, 2 cars. I definitely have higher expectations of life than my parents or grandparents ever had. Throw into that the fact I find value in work and wanted a career, it is absolutely a decision I made and own. And because I own it, no one can make me feel guilty for it, it's what I wanted.

My mother stopped talking to me for 2 weeks because I went back to work. She got over it without ever quite understanding that wanting to keep my pension and career was not the same as 'needing the money'.

Back in the good old days, more women had a ‘village’ than they do now also.

So does she want to volunteer to have your baby at her house whilst you work, so you can see him during breaks etc?! Didn’t think so.

Perhaps you are eating too many avocados and drinking too many coffees, OP. We all know if we didn’t do that we would live in luxury…

Her choices, if we can call them that, were hers.

I think the problem you have, is that you still have a parent/child relationship with your mother. You are a woman now and she needs to understand she can't give you every opinion she wants, without potential consequences. If she's making you feel like shit, pull back from her. For goodness sake sort out your work, don't work from her house.

You need to teach her how to treat you.

She is a product of her generation, and also she needs to justify to herself how she lived her life.

You are a product of a different world, where you are right about income levels needed (isn't the stat that in the 1950s the average house price was three times average annual salary and it's now something like six or eight times?), and also women want the fulfilment and independence and security that comes from having a professional life outside the home.

You won't change her mind so better not to discuss it with her.

Sorry you had a tough morning. It will get easier. And by the time your DC is settled in school you'll be glad you still have a job.

Are you sure that this isn’t a veiled dig about you working from her house ?
Does she think that taxpayers should pay for mums to stay at home if the marriage ends or the husband is unable to work ? A lot of people who believe that women should be SAHM are the same people who think that single mums and families get too much taxpayer money and that dads pay too much CM

Do you think you believe her deep down? I found I felt the way you did quite a lot until my son was about three. But looking back it was because a lot of people may comments like your mum!

I don’t think she understands economics so I wouldn’t place too much value on her uninvited opinion

Also OP, if it makes you feel any more reassured I’m a SAHP to my pre schooler not by choice but because they are disabled and non verbal. My career is in tatters, I have barely any money. My sanity is gone and although I was never in a high flying job or career job I’ve always worked and I miss the interaction so so much. I also don’t feel like I’m a good enough parent because I’m constantly burned out (husband works full time and no family here) stressed and touched out.
I can imagine your son is thriving in nursery and will be a well adjusted boy ready for school in a few years. Ignore your mum.

Well she’s right you could prioritise being a sahm and do all the things she says to achieve it. You are right in that you don’t feel what you would lose is a reasonable exchange for what you would gain. Surprise surprise you are different people at different stages in your life and have different priorities.

Why do you need her to agree with you?

I like working. I also hate the idea that I was told I could be anything but now I have kid all I should want is to be a SAHM. I’m not cut out for it. Just like it stupid to tell every little girl to want to be a doctor it’s stupid to think every woman with children should be at home with them.

I don’t have to work, like you I’ve done the maths and we could move and down
size and change our lives but I won’t be happier so why would I? I love my job, I’m highly specialised and there is no way my son will chat to me about code and software architecture. And quite frankly I find spending 9+h a day with any person exhausting. My son should have to think it’s him that makes me miserable when I just don’t have social stamina.

I’m also really wary of these threads as I find women like your mum spark some sort of working mum versus SAHM rage fight. Do what makes you happy and what you can afford.