People who think mat leave is a holiday

She means because it's some people's dream to have a baby so when they have one they would feel like they were living their dream is all. Don't be so se sensitive. We're all knackered and hormonal when we've had our babies, he sounds a bit of a wally but he's a single bloke with no kids, he doesn't get it who cares.

That was my thought too, I do have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt though.

He may desperately want children and his partner be struggling to conceive, and so to him, having 2 children would be 'living the dream'. My SIL really struggled to conceive, and then when she finally did, she miscarried, I know it would be her dream to have what DH and I have - 2 healthy amazing daughters, despite DD1 sending me doo-lally with exhaustion. It's really tough when you are in the middle of it, but after you can look back and think 'I'm really lucky, and that experience made me stronger and wiser'. Not that I would wish a reflux baby on anyone!

'Living the dream' doesn't necessarily mean 'having it easy'. It can mean 'getting what you always wanted'.

I also know, as a person who gets extremely nervous in social situations, I have a habit of saying the wrong thing when trying to be nice, and then kicking myself after 'why did you say that you idiot'. For a while I went through a phase of being quiet to try to avoid saying the wring thing, and my boss told me I came across as stand offish. So now I try my best and hope that my colleagues know me well enough to not judge me if I say something unintentionally offensive.

Sorry, but it also felt like a holiday and a dream to me everytime I did it (yes, also when the others were toddlers) and so I don't think he is wrong for saying it. It might not be your experience, but it's not so unusual by any stretch that be is wrong to make a casual remark in that direction.

Also... it's very much not a job?! It might be stuff that needs to be done and it might be worthwhile and all that but it's... not a job at all. Not everything needs to be a job to matter.

It's ignorant but I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Your response was perfect, now let it go.

Don't miss out the farewell drinks in Feb if it's a friend for this tiny thing (if you want to go otherwise).

And to add I remember about 4 months in my DP asking me if I missed the mental stimulation of work. I replied I’d never been so stimulated in my life (pre baby I had a senior city job and did a masters alongside, I’ve also setup my own businesses, renovated property etc). My first baby was without doubt the most challenging thing I’ve ever done, physically and mentally. And I think the reflux was one of the main reasons. In between all the care I was reading research papers and forums to try to work out best way to do things as Drs were quite rubbish. It’s no bloody holiday! By contrast my 2nd baby is a lovely happy bundle who fell into a routine and generally only wakes once overnight.

he’s a dick. 🙋‍♀️my first (now 2.5) had terrible reflux and we used gaviscon and omprezole. I managed (luck I think) to get the gaviscon dose just right such that she did solid but soft poos (I used windy pipes to encourage things) I’d say try reducing the dose of gaviscon. We used gaviscon till about 6 months and then just omprezole till (I can’t recall maybe 9 months). My little girl has been totally fine and not aware any lasting issues. The reflux itself was horrendous and really affected her sleep. I’ve got a 4 month old now, no reflux and it’s night and day. I could easily manage twins of this compared to my eldest. Happy to chat if you’d like

I think you need to have a few lighthearted (but pointedly true!) comments up your sleeve for situations like this. Some people genuinely don't have a clue that some days are very hard with a baby, and others are just resentful of maternity leave and pay.

Goodness me OP it was just a throwaway conversation from a childless colleague who's never experienced mat leave or parenthood, no need to overthink it 🤦‍♀️

Not nice to wish reflux on a little baby even if it doesn't exist!

I've already said that DH took a month of shared parental leave when I went back to work both times. Highly highly recommend it, both for an easier time returning to work, and to resettle the parenting balance.

The early days of c section recovery and EBFing obviously can't be shared.

I mean, you could literally be living his dream. Not having kids doesn't mean he doesn't want them.

My partner is a very involved dad and even he admitted he hadn't realised what my days were like until we switched to shared parental leave and he did a stint of it all day every day while I swanned off to the office. He never complained that I hadn't got loads done, but he didn't realise how full on my days could be until he lived them.

I don't agree it's 'work' no. Nor do I agree that it's a 'job'.

It's hard, very hard (all too aware of that) but I would never refer to parenting as these things no.

Parenting absolutely is work, it's just not paid work. We all know how unappreciated women's unpaid labour is, whether it's caring for children or elderly relatives or anyone else. There's something quite unfeminist about saying maternity leave or any other childcare isn't work.

He was probably just trying to make conversation, but for me mat leave was one of the best and easiest times of my life. Of course it's dependent on baby and other life circumstances. I have 1dc (13). They were a very chilled baby, slept through (8hours from 12 weeks), was rarely sick. We spent our days in cafes, at baby groups, shopping, socialising with friends. My parents lived in the Med at that point and dd and I travelled out and spent 2 weeks at a time there from when dd was 2 months. We went out 4 times that year. It got much harder when I went back and had to juggle a demanding job and parenting.

Same! I had this crazy idea I would write my masters dissertation whilst on mat leave. Friends who had children already laughed at me. Now I know why! First was very tough due to reflux and allergies, 2nd was like a dream/holiday compared to the first, even though I was trying to home school oldest due to the pandemic closing schools at the sane time as looking after DD2.

Unfortunately as a parent you get many judging comments, on everything from whether you can breastfeed to how your child did in the class spelling test.

You have to learn to 'do you', it took until my 2nd was born to figure this out, with my first I used to dwell on these comments for days and days. Now we make decisions we are happy with and the world can judge away and I don't give a hoot.

It is a change though, a chance to live a completely different life for a while.

Probably would have pissed me off too while I was on mat leave if someone said that when as you say you're up all night and exhausted but I can also see where they are coming from as it's a different type of stress. I had two non sleepers and took very short maternity leaves, the sleep deprivation on mat leave was hard but combining that with working a high pressure job when I went back was by far worse! Also, for me mat leave was the closest thing to an extended paid holiday I'm ever going to get so I can see why those without children or who get the bare minimum of paternity leave are a bit resentful, especially when you have had two long leaves almost back to back and they are stuck at work, it's just human nature to feel that way but you're obviously entitled to it so don't give it too much thought and just be grateful for your paid mat leave and your babies.

He was a twat, but I very much loved my materity leave. I much preferred being off with the baby than going to work.

I was very grateful when DH took extended paternity leave and then became a SAHD for a few years!

I honestly thought my maternity leave was going to be filled with me sitting on lovely park benches reading books while my child blissfully slept in his pram next to me.

I'm an idiot.

Having said that, I think that it IS very different to work. I was exhausted and, with a difficlt, collicky baby who didn't sleep, it was very stressful. But it was a very different experience to getting up to go to work.

I also had a few comments like that thrown at me at KIT days or work events while I was on mat leave. I used to laugh and say something like, "I'll tell you what, you get up at 4am with a screaming baby every day for 3 months and we'll talk again." or whatever.

How does everyone who found mat leave hard feel about sharing it with the father?

Have some responses ready when people like this man without kids say stupid things.

Even looking after cry-a-lot DC1 wasn't anything like my job. My work is so much more stressful.

Well it depends on your baby. DC1 was a handful. She couldn't be put down and cried when pushed in a pram. DC2 was chilled and DC1 was in nursery three days a week. It was like a year long holiday with DC2. I watched a lot of TV series on Netflix, did lots of learning for work, and kept the house cleaned with elaborate home cooked meals. We went out to toddler groups when DC1 wasn't at nursery. DC2 slept, happy in her pram, or sat on my lap while DC1 was in toddler dance or gymnastics.

I felt like I was on holiday tbf when I was on mat leave. I don't sleep much anyway so I wasn't really affected by sleep deprivation I loved going for coffee /lunch with friends

It really was a lovely time for me

Calling maternity leave a job isn’t helping anyone. It’s parenting, which isn’t a job. He sounds annoying but you sound extremely defensive.