Separate rooms drama

Has he looked into having an operation to stop the snoring? A friend of mine did and said it was the best thing he's ever done.

My parents have had separate beds for years due to snoring and it actually saved their marriage.
I also have friends who sleep separately most nights because of snoring and different routines but they have a great sex life and happy marriage so it can definitely work.

You can't survive or rubbish sleep, your DH is being selfish prioritising his needs over yours.

I've been with my partner 8 years and we do separate beds mostly. We both disturb each other to be honest, he is a heavy snorer and I am a light anxious sleeper so wriggle around and wake up a lot. I work long 12 hour shifts like you, its healthcare, its stressful, I need some solo wind down time after. Initially he kicked up a fuss about it but we've done it for years and now he sees how much better rested we both are and we are nicer to each other because there isn't background sleep deprivation and resentment about who has kept who awake. We also do the weekend bed sharing / more effort to have cuddle time thing that you do and it works well.

Two issues here

• he is missing the intimacy, which is valid
• he’s responding with sulking and anger, which is not

We both love sleeping separately and are better people for it, but we’ve had to work to make sure we keep the intimacy up - not just dtd, but snuggling and reading in bed together.

Me and DH have separate bedrooms and I love it. Again, snoring issue (him) and after 15 years of marriage I couldn't stand it any longer.

He wasn't happy about it at first, but now we wouldn't have it any other way.

Sleep deprivation is life ruinous.

I love my bedroom. It's bliss.

Separate rooms is great, we both sleep much better because of it. Both DH and I snore but the final straw were his eye watering farts when he had too many beers and a dodgy kebab on the way back from the pub where we used to live.

We still hop into each other's bed regularly but nearly always sleep separately.

If anything we both snore bad (he actually recorded me!). It a race to see who goes to sleep first. I tend to read until i'm nodding and can't keep my eyes open, I find that helps. But I do wish we had a spare room I could go into but I don't think DH would be happy about that lol.

Have you tried anti snoring pillows? Or make him sleep semi sat up? There are also mouthguards you can get.

I think there is a way forward (also fistbump to the "menopause snorer" above - after years of DH snoring i now snore too and he won't stop moaning about it)

Suggestions that OP read in the shared bed then hop over to her own - I'd never do that because i get warm and cozy reading and often wake with the book over my face (because DH has been snoring). So i'd expect him to come to mine for the companionship, then hop back to his. etc etc etc

But OP did say that she sometimes does go to his bed for a cuddle, and at weekends, so i don't see why there aren't more compromises to be had on his side.

He isn't refusing to address the issues if he's been to a sleep apnoea clinic. Snoring isn't that easy to cure.

I am the same as you, although my DC came back home indefinitely a few months ago and I had to give the room back so I sleep on the sofa.
I start off in the bed with earplugs but as soon as the snoring disturbs me I go downstairs.
It's not fair and I have chronic health problems but I fit on the sofa, DH wouldn't.

So I agree with you. I don't think people understand how terrible it is to have years of sleep deprivation due to another person's fault.

Cuddle downstairs, maybe cuddle in the mornings.

We've been in mostly separate rooms on and off for 4 years since my DC went to university (and every time she came home I was back in our bed with bad sleep) and it hasn't changed our relationship, if anything it's better because I'm not sleep deprived.

Is he overweight?

I'm with you...we sleep in separate rooms as shifts have made us have different sleeping patterns and we are both so much more rested for it

I also like to wind down in bed with my book and settle and read and wouldn't want to be getting comfortable with husband for a cuddle, just to get up again and move once he starts snoring

I think your husband is being selfish and in the week when you have to work, prioritise sleep.

Neither of you is wrong.
I hope you reach a happy compromise if it's a good marriage.

I have to admit that it sounds like the beginning of the end to me

It could be the beginning of the end if he considers her health a lower priority than his ability to control her via emotional manipulation.

My DH and I have separate rooms and our relationship has improved because of it. He used to wake me up snoring, then I'd toss and turn and wake him up. Now we are much better rested, happier and more affectionate because of it.

I think because your DH hasn't suffered from lack of sleep he doesn't get it. He's being selfish

If you nudged him awake everytime his snoring woke you up I doubt he'd be happy, would he.
Sounds like you need a proper discussion and agreement of the whole thing to avoid bad feelings. You shouldn't have to lie in his bed sleepless because he's upset about sleeping on his own. Ffs.

Where does the assumption that he’s refusing to address the issues come from. The OP says they have tried various different snoring aids but they haven’t worked and that her OH has also been seen by the sleep apnoea clinic but they found that he isn’t stopping breathing in the night. That doesn’t equate to him refusing to address the problem. It just means that so far no cause for the snoring has been found and that the techniques which often work have not done so for him. 🤷‍♀️

If moving into the spare room is a relatively new thing, this may just take some time to work through and for the husband to get used to the new arrangements.

Nah he doesn't get to prioritise his want for a cuddle over your literal human need of getting enough sleep. And I say this as a cuddler.

Why can't he come to you for cuddles before bed if that's such a strong "need" of his? Why is the onus entirely on you to make this situation work when he's entirely the cause of it?

It could be the beginning of the end if you want more and more time alone and he feels neglected.

Tell him that the sleeping in separate rooms is just a temporary measure until he sorts out his snoring and then you'll move back in.

Any time he speaks about you sleeping in a separate room you can simply reply "have you cured your snoring yet?"

This is his "problem" to fix. If he wants you to share a bedroom, he has to ensure your sleep won't be negatively affected by that.

Sleep deprivation is literal torture and you shouldn't have to suffer that every night, especially when you're working 12 hour shifts.

Or he comes in with you and snuggles then pops off

I snore, loudly. Lovely menopuase side effect and weight gain. I'm trying to lose weight. I'm using all different sprays and devices to try and minimise but really upsets me when dh goes on about it as I can't help it

Do you both go to bed the same time?

If your going to read don't see the issue reading in shared bed, snuggling then popping off to own bed (nice electric blanket in a timer so it's super cozy)

Making sure he drinks enough water helps my partner dramatically. If it's not caused by sleep apnea, and changing position, or lowering alcohol intake doesn't help. Try encouraging him to drink more water. That way you might find a solution that helps you both.

Otherwise an evening cuddled on the sofa may help his needs before you go off to your own room to chill.

Why can't he come to you for a cuddle before going to his own bed?

Does he accept how bad his snoringvis?