Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal to share this much info at work -or am I AIBU?

37 replies

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:00

I have a colleague at work - a senior middle-aged individual who, by all accounts, isn’t overly friendly with many people. We work together a lot and have a good, respectful relationship. Still, I am often stunned by what he shares with me (for context, City/professional services/stiff environment): 1. about his issues in childhood, 2. estrangement from his father, 3. his financial concerns, 4. he complains that his wife isn’t making much, so it’s all on him. 5 how he can’t go on holiday, and many more things. He will often call when we are WFH, delve into personal subjects, or comment about me. I don’t get it; I wouldn’t share this information with someone from work but only with my closest friends, etc. Maybe this is acceptable in some lines of work, but people at my workplace usually don’t go this deep. I normally just listen, and I am sympathetic, but it’s just so odd and I find it bizarre. Isn’t it or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:54

MellersSmellers · 09/01/2025 22:20

Sounds like he is lonely and doesn't have anyone else to talk these things through with, not even his own wife.
Yes it is unusual to be quite so open, and I'm not sure I would welcome it, but I'm sure he really values having your ear. However, I would be careful about encouraging and be aware of the possibility of emotional entanglement.

Sorry, what do you mean by emotional entanglement?

OP posts:
CorsicaDreaming · 09/01/2025 22:53

Do you think he could be autistic?

It just reminds me of one of my students this year who over-shared like this and just had no idea of boundaries.

Nc261224 · 09/01/2025 22:51

Probably just lonely.
Disagree with PP, not every opposite gender colleague is trying it on romantically

UpSkilling · 09/01/2025 22:32

He sounds lonely, lots of middle aged men are quite isolated.

BlueMum16 · 09/01/2025 22:29

Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:10

I can’t just tell him not to talk about it as he’s invaluable at work and goes out of his way to help, so I feel in some way indebted to him. It’s hard to explain. Plus, he’s more senior.
As for bothering me, not extensively. Since he’s so helpful, I am happy to listen, but I find it too odd that he shares these deeply personal matters with me. I don’t do that with him at all. I do offload about the issue at work, but I don’t engage in my personal matters with him.

Often we just find someone we can talk to
For your colleague it's you.

You don't seem too bothered by this. If it helps him and doesn't bother you, what's the issue?

comedycentral · 09/01/2025 22:25

It sounds like a really tricky relationship, and I do think he is testing the waters with you romantically, to be honest.
It's hard to take it to HR; if you feel like you can, then ask them for support. If you can't, you might consider deflecting the personal stuff.

"This sounds really personal; do you have a friend or family member you can talk to?"

"This is really outside my experience and sounds distressing for you; you might want to talk to someone more qualified, like a counselor."

Or the very basic, "I'm sorry to hear this, I hope things get easier for you," then change the topic.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 09/01/2025 22:23

Well on MN, yes you never talk to your work colleagues about anything other than work and never see them socially

In reality, you spend hours with them. You will end up sharing things with them. I know all sorts about people at work. They know things about me (some things even the people I live with don't know). We talk.

Just tell him if you don't feel comfortable

MellersSmellers · 09/01/2025 22:20

Sounds like he is lonely and doesn't have anyone else to talk these things through with, not even his own wife.
Yes it is unusual to be quite so open, and I'm not sure I would welcome it, but I'm sure he really values having your ear. However, I would be careful about encouraging and be aware of the possibility of emotional entanglement.

Original poster
Stor78 · 09/01/2025 22:10

I can’t just tell him not to talk about it as he’s invaluable at work and goes out of his way to help, so I feel in some way indebted to him. It’s hard to explain. Plus, he’s more senior.
As for bothering me, not extensively. Since he’s so helpful, I am happy to listen, but I find it too odd that he shares these deeply personal matters with me. I don’t do that with him at all. I do offload about the issue at work, but I don’t engage in my personal matters with him.

OP posts:
claudiaswinklemen · 09/01/2025 22:07

I am sat next to the same woman for 8 hours a day. I spend more time with her than DP. We have told each other all sorts over the last year.

Thistledowner · 09/01/2025 22:04

Is it bothering you? Do you want it to stop?

sweetpickle2 · 09/01/2025 22:02

He fancies you, or he has no idea of boundaries. Either way if you’re not interested in hearing it just tell him the personal stuff makes you uncomfortable and you’d like to keep things professional.