Estranged son asking for large amount of money

Apologies I can see that OP did give a portion of the inheritance. Credit where credits due, you haven't done it with any expectation, which I think is the fairest way to do it. I'm glad you were able to come to a good solution.

I'm estranged from my mother. I don't expect any money from her or that side of the family at all. But only you know the situation. If you do give the money, I don't think that alone will change the fact you are estranged. If you're "toxic" the only thing that will change your relationship is if you were to change how you interact with other people. Money won't change anything.

I am sorry to hear this OP but I think you treating both equally was a nice thing to do. I do hope you have not shot yourself in the foot financially doing so.
I was told by mine I am controlling (fair) live vicariously (fair) am toxic (can be when I lash out when hurt).Their father is lazy, passive and a procrastinator (and if they ever have therapy, an enabler) but gets a free pass.
So yes, I'd say we have different parenting styles too. No idea if you were told the same but I have accepted it is how they feel and they feel it strongly. I was very hands on, he was very hands off. Both of us were crap in different ways.
I continue to reach out and I am trying to put the work in but am in a catch 22. If you constantly get in touch, you override boundaries. If you respect boundaries, you don't care. I can see the patterns from my own parents but seemed doomed to repeat them. Anyone who knows any good online free resources, please let me know x

When he gave you the recap, was he very upset doing so or did he enjoy your distress?

@Friartruckster Thanks for the update OP - that was good of you. This part of your update I find troubling:
"DS confirmed receipt and then provided the recap on why I am the toxic parent."
I don't think I would necessarily have been expecting any kind of rapprochement, but the fact your son couldn't simply acknowledge the money (maybe with a simple "thank you") without being unkind again is disappointing.
You've done the right and decent thing by your son OP. Sadly, it seems, he still needs to mature and learn some grace.
Best of luck for a peaceful, happy future. 🤗

Yep, that’s right. But OP has mentioned again and again how financially comfortable she’ll be, so I assume there’ll be some of her estate left should she predecease her children in the next seven years.

You're right, of course. But if there is no estate left surely then?

Friar, you've done what you can, and now you can relax and enjoy the freedom of not having to think about it any more! Take care and have a good weekend xx

OP I’m sorry some other posters on here have insulted your son so viciously, especially when we don’t know the full story. He’s your son and you clearly love him.

Gosh, how upsetting @Friartruckster One day he may get a better sense of perspective and realise how ungracious his behaviour is. At the moment his head is clearly up where the sun don’t shine.

Can you share a bit (even vaguely) on why he thinks you’re toxic?

No worries if you’d rather not.

No. OP’s estate will.

@Friartruckster DS confirmed receipt and then provided the recap on why I am the toxic parent.
In response to questions about the reason for the estrangement - I would say his Dad and I have different parenting styles.

Thanks for the update, OP. I'm guessing you imposed rules and restrictions and his dad didn't?

Anyway, I think you did a smart thing sharing part of your inheritance with both your children. Going forward, this contact with DS might be the start of a better relationship - or maybe not! But however it turns out, sharing your inheritance and having this conversation with your son should give you some comfort that you are a good mother with the interests of both your children at heart.

Hopefully, over time, you and your DS can build a new relationship.
I think you did a very good thing sharing some money with him.
Wishing you all the best.

You said the money represented security in retirement. If you die within 7 years your son will have to pay tax on the sum.

Ah OP I expected that but it's still sad. But now you know. Walk away and make the best life for yourself that prioritises you. It's got lots to offer. 💐

Exactly 👍

I want to repeat.
I think children that are genuinely estranged from their parents wouldn't dream of asking for money.

They want peace and space and do not want any engagement.
They want nothing from their parents.
They would've dream of risking opening contact by asking for money.

I think whatever his reasoning for being pissed off with his mother, he still feels hugely connected to her via her money!
He wants contact on his terms.

I think the OP should keep her money and her business to herself going forward.

Good point. It’s classic manipulation for a toxic adult sibling to ingratiate themselves with an elderly relative to get their hands on their ‘rightful’ inheritance.

Why do you jump to that conclusion? It could be for all sorts of reasons. The op may have put the money aside herself and without the support of her son may need it as she ages. He clearly didn't think he needed to put on a show and could override his mother's feelings to get what he wants. I doubt he asked her politely for the money.

I wouldn’t give him anything. He’s reaping what he’s sown. 🤷‍♀️

Or dogs' home.

You probably have done something very toxic to him I mean the fact he couldn’t put on a show and stay close to you to for the inheritance sake really says something!