Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

Tell husband his dad needs a caregiver and you neither have the time or qualifications for the job.

Could you find a local Computer Club (or Council run computer class), or some other social activity, for him to do? Would give you a break and would give him some company and activity.

Are you Julia from Motherland? 😂

I can’t work out if you mean your FIL or DH FIL, i think the title of this thread and your first post mentions both? And I can’t under the dynamic either?

Get him the help books - Computers for Seniors - Dummies, Internet for Seniors made Easy, Laptop for Seniors - and a few more - Amazon.

Sorry…I’m still not following. SIL is expecting YOU to fund her flights home? WTAF?

@Elderly I get that he has a difficult commute/ office job

Unless his commute involves walking, his commute cannot be tiring. Driving or standing on a train doesn't cause tiredness.

Office jobs do not cause tiredness either because they involve sitting at a desk.

oh and by the way she’ll need air fare money to come over

Wow. Is that fairly indicative of her? Or is it somewhat reasonable for some reason that isn’t obvious from what you’ve posted?

If indicative, you should probably heavily suggest to DH that he get a financial power of attorney set up for PiL that cuts her out, now, before FiL’s capacity to consent goes and you have to go through the courts. Her having PoA would really complicate things if she’s abroad anyway, but particularly with that sort of attitude.

You need to treat your work as important, or no one else will. Get a do not disturb sign, wear headphones or close the door. Remind DH and his dsis that you are not the default carer. Say no to 50% or more of everyone's requests.

Is there a reason FIL isn't in his own home with carers coming in , as you don't have to sell to pay MIL fees if there still an over 65 at home -

You are married to a selfish prick who thinks it is your job to be skivvy to his father.

Get a job asap out of the house.
I would get the serious ick for my husband if he thought this was acceptable.

I too would be looking at a trip or an extended visit anywhere.
I would not be used like this.

Put a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the door to the room you are working in (when you are working). If FIL disturbs you, ask if it’s an emergency. If it clearly isn’t, say “yes I will come and help when I’m free in an hour or so / a couple of hours” Then help when you are stopping anyway for a cup of tea etc if it’s something small. It sounds like this could be your life for the foreseeable future, so you have to get a handle on things quickly, or you will become default dogsbody.

Me too. Every day you do this is settling your career back while your husbands gets better. Nothing you are doing will stop him deciding to leave in the future when you are so worn down from caring he fancies someone new.

Is the home your MIL is in far away? Would it be feasible to take him there every day or most days with his laptop and he can be with her?

Your DH is slacking on this. If you were in hospital, he'd have to do it or accept that it's ok for his dad to be left alone. He must sort that ASAP. What's the longer term plan for FIL?

Also, your SIL is talking as if their money is hers. As a pp said she's not offering her own money! I would be saying that as you're not able to work while caring for FIL, money to compensate will need to come first from the PILS assets. Also who does she think will pay her air fare? 🙄

I would be tempted to invent a work trip away for a few nights!

You need to have an urgent conversation with your husband in which he assumes full responsibility for his father. I'd consider moving out temporarily if that's what it takes.

On a practical level, if FiL isn’t so poorly he has to be in a home he almost certainly isn’t so poorly he can’t understand not to disturb you. His life doesn’t have to be perfect before you put some of your needs first. He just needs not to be danger.

So when he tiptoes into the room and says “Sorry, I’m useless…” you need to say something along the lines of “You can’t disturb me in here during work hours, FiL. I am at work. Text DH and he can sort things out at 6 o’clock.” Or similar.

As you say - to some extent you are your own worst enemy here. If you care about FiL’s well being more than DH or SiL do then you are going to be landed with the care more than DH or SiL are. You need to start heading off when DH comes in the door. Either to your room or better yet, get yourself some hobbies/dates with friends/etc. Don’t lose out to your DH’s brinkmanship. FiL is not your responsibility. And you getting your career back on track is important to you and your DCs (which is your responsibility).

Can you invent client meetings and go and work from a cafe some days just to escape?

This

Agree with pp - you need to leave the house and work from a cafe or a co-working space.

So why didn't he stay in his own home then?

Are you sure FIL can't go into a home and the money get paid when the house sells?

Can he join MIL - is that what you are waiting for? A space at her care home?

Sorry can you explain the dynamic?

MIL in a care home
FIL moved in with you and you care for him

Is that right? Why aren't they both in care homes if they need caring for? The house sale can then go through and settle any fees?