Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5222392-teen-son-and-fil?postsby=Whatthewhatnowreally

What's the agreement with FIL? Will he move into your house, or temporary whilst he recovers from illness?

Either way, make plans, state boundaries and look into coworking spaces if you need to!

I'd invest in large noise-cancelling headphones and a door lock so you can work. You could make lunch for FIL midday, but the rest is on your H (I won't say DH as he's not being a dear to you!).

Are you the poster whose DH was looking to buy a house nearer to you as a renovation project to keep FIL occupied?
And FIL is in his 80s and recovering from heart surgery, if I remember rightly?
Everyone told you not to let him move in!

Leave the house to work. No-one will respect a sign on the door and you’ll just get fed up. Come back at lunch if you feel really bad. But I promise no one will respect a sign and may even just make fun of it.

They see you and your work as less important. You are connected to an entire family of CFs.

Have a word with you husband.

Tell him to have a word with his family.

If that doesn't work ...

Announce you have to return to working in the office.
Even if you don't go in -
Book space in a co working place.
Go to a cafe / library to work.
Anything but be IN.

If that's not possible, get a lock put on the door.

If that's not possible, work in massive headphones. Whenever he wanders in, suddenly be on a very important call.

Ask your husband a very genuine question and insist on getting an answer

"How would you solve this if I didn't exist?"

Press him for an answer.

Then tell him to do that, because you quit.

I'm serious. This situation could drag on for years and you are sacrificing your new career because nobody in this situation values you enough.

You get one life, only one.

The trouble is, you are choosing to do this OP.

You are the only person who can solve the problem by, well, choosing not to do it.

Why does your FiL need to live with you permanently? Can he not now go back to his house?
if he is a permanent addition to the household, how was this agreed and set up? I’m sure it’s a lot of change for your FiL to absorb and must be tricky for him, but it will be better all round if some proper boundaries are put in place. And your DH should be taking on the lion’s share!

How much discussion was there between you and your dh, about boundaries and about workload, before your FiL moved in ?

Where's her husband's humanity then?

Do speak to social services about daycare and Age Concern for advice and facilities in your area. Local churches often run coffee mornings

@Gremlins101 @decorativecushions Just as long as her DH is not channeling his inner Paul, I will always be there to pick up the balls and pass them back to you so you can keep juggling,and other memorable phrases.

You certainly haven’t increased the amount of humanity with your input, Yikes.

Tell your DH he doesn't get to sabotage your job and expect there to be no consequences.

This was my reaction. I can't stop thinking about the 1/4 onion in the fridge!

OP, if you haven't watched motherland, that will take your mind off things. Sorry I've got no more helpful advice than that.

Yes. We did this for MIL and it was excellent.

I really think you need to manage expectations. It may be different if you work very limited hours and your DH was rushing home from work to spend time with his dad, but the fact he is disappearing soon after getting home and leaving what is primarily his responsibility as a son to you is shameful.

It is hard, and some elderly people seem to get fixated with things we take in our stride. When I was with MIL (mid 90s ) recently, she was having issues with an online supermarket order. She would have worked it out in the end but I could see she was getting exhausted, so I helped her. However, that was in the Christmas holidays and she normally lives independently with three carer visits a day and we live 90 minutes away and commute even further to work full time ( consequences of the raise in pension age to age 67).

Be very careful you don’t get pulled in to being a carer by default, it should be a conscious commitment and shared responsibility where possible.Elderly care is expensive and some will try to inherit more by not procuring appropriate care while not being willing to share the practical caring themselves. Remember, put your own oxygen mask on first.

Age Uk runs computer classes for OAPs and they are very good.

The problem seems to be that your DH doesn't feel guilty that you or his father are inconvenienced or bored or unhappy or exhausted. Even organising all the services your FiL needs will take time. Your SiL can do research, emails and phone calls from overseas. Your DH can do similarly on his commute if he's not driving.

Do you have a local Age Concern? Ours is worth its weight in gold Our local one runs a day centre, so you pay a £30 annual fee to join, then book and pay per session. You could book FIL in for a day or for timed sessions as you need work. Ours offers all day 10-3 or lunch club 12-2, or various classes eg keep fit, computers, craft, singing, most include lunch too. You can also book help with various things (eg finances or computers) and things like hairdresser/barber and chiropodist too.

Does FIL have early-stage dementia do you think? Or is he lonely and having trouble adjusting to life without MIL?

Just because DH is the breadwinner it doesn't mean there aren't other options where you share the load rather than it all being you. He can definitely investigate options at work as well as sourcing some daytime solutions for FIL so you can work. It relies on everyone giving a bit rather than you giving everything.

OP your having to do it because you are doing it.

Make an appointment with the GP and you FIL/DH and say I can't provide this level of care. It is effecting my income and I am becoming stressed what are the options? Day centre, your DH works flexibly, residential care lots of options.

It isn't going to change until you say something.