Stuck with FIL cos DH works at a proper job ffs.

Was he out today working? Or doing something for himself?

Still seems your DH takes priority over everyone.

I would go with this - and congratulate myself from having resisted slapping him very hard across the face.

OP, he needs a verbal rocket. You say he ‘needs’ cosseting when he has ‘flu’ - no, he wants cosseting. I do not cosset my DH when he has a cold, and he does not expect it.

If mine told me I have to look after his father our marriage would be over.

Re: Going out all day while your DH is WFH to let him experience the disruption:

Beware that this could very easily backfire if it turns out that FIL respects his son's job much more than his DILs/doesn't think DH should or could do wifework and therefore DOESN'T pester him all day.

Seriously I’d go MAD, that such a rude, thoughtless thing to say. Your FIL sounds nice - his son is a pig.

Have you two discussed what's going to happen when your FIL moves into his new home "close by"

OP seems to have disappeared, @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams, but while I also asked about FIL returning there who's to say he'll ever do it when the family seem happy with her running round after him?

TBH I'm surprised he bought it in the first place and wonder if the real intention was for DH/FIL to have a BTL "investment" instead ...

All that said. You are being very kind to your FIL and that's lovely.

Your husband and SIL are taking the piss though.

Maybe get FIL to write them out of his will - set you up for the future :) [only slightly joking]

No words. You've had other views on what an epic tool your husband is being.

Have you two discussed what's going to happen when your FIL moves into his new home "close by". How many evenings a week is DH going to swing by to make and eat dinner with him / keep the garden in order / take him grocery shopping / generally keep him company out of interest?

I'm not usually one for a "why don't you flounce off to a spa hotel for a week so your husband gets a taste of this" but do you have family you could need to visit urgently? Perhaps some minor surgery you've been putting off necessitating a week in convalescence somewhere nice [ok I know I'm fantasising here - the NHS would boot you out within hours and you'd be in the same position but sore]? A residential training course? A freelance job several hours away for a couple of weeks?

Elderly I'm so sorry about your DH. Has there been any movement at all towards relieving you of caring responsibilities or does that comment sum up your DH's attitude with no remorse?

If the latter, I think it's a clear sign to you that the only way to get a life you want (and it is, don't forget, your only life) is for you to do the things you are actually happy to do and simply refuse to do anything else. Put effort into your career and gain yourself some independence. Your DH's comment shows pretty clearly what contempt he has for your career, and for the effort you've put into caring for your kids and him up until now. If he gets "flu", don't cosset him. Maybe take to bed yourself.

It's doesn't seem like FIL's the problem. Your 'D' H certainly is though...

You might not earn as much, but your time to earn is just as important. This isn’t just about paying the bills today, it’s about what happens to you tomorrow if your husband gets sick or dies. (Or just up and leaves you, but you don’t have to mention that scenario when you discuss this issue with him). You need to build your earning power because you need to be able to take care of yourself just in case he can’t do it anymore. He may not realize it, but by interfering with your time to work, your Husband is really saying he doesn’t care about your security.

building a freelance business can be a bit of a luxury. I would have a conversation re the above with him. If he still doesn’t get it, I would go get a paid job where you have to answer to someone. Even if it is wfh, you will still have commitments that can’t be broken.

This!

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’.
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence.

I'd find it very hard to get past that. It sounds as if your h takes you for granted and takes advantage of you. 💐

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence.

Very simple - "No you're looking after FIL as he's your father not mine"

Have a look on line at U3A (University of the 3rd Age) for your locality. it is a list of local groups for older/retired people to regularly get together to share their interests and hobbies, and meet new people. There may be some things on there for FIL to join which will enable him to get out of the house and socialise.

It also does not make you defacto carer for his parents.

You and he need a proper sit down talk about splitting the labour of FIL fairly. It sounds like he needs to employ a PA or befriender. Unless you have agreed to do it, he needs to be the one finding time to ring the doctors and take him to appointments.

Please don't either agree to it or fall into doing it without seriously considering the impact on you and your career/income.

Well, DH is the main earner, as per OP.
That sets it up practically, doesn't it?

Fuck that shit.

'I haven't got a successful business because I am running round like a blue arsed fly looking after absolutely everything else, including your Father. I am not doing it any more, sort it yourself'.

Then find an office space to work from during the day, and fuck the lot of them.

You only get one life, they're happy for you to spaff it on the menial drudgery they can't be arsed with.

There is a big difference between a joint decision that you will look after your children to let him concentrate on work and you then being the obvious (not) person to look after his father. The reason you have not yet as successful a career is because he has had many years to build it, you have only just restarted. In many marriages this would be your time to be allowed to flourish.
Get FIL into his new house and have a meeting with husband about how you supply the necessary support between you.Till then can you find some office space to rent to break the dependence on you to be present.?

he said,‘you’re looking after FIL because you haven’t got a successful business’
I don’t know how to begin to deal with that sentence

Here's how:

• remind him that he has a successful business because you're enabling it.
• find a library/cafe/shared workspace/spare or quiet room at a sympathetic friend's house and, every day, work from there. Make this clear in advance to your DH, and make sure also that he knows this means you will not be available to do things for FIL.
• if DH continues to fake illness and shout orders or ask for juice (what is he 5?) ignore him. Keep ignoring him.

Honestly, OP, you are being taken advantage of, I don't think anyone is disputing that, but some of this is on you.

Your FIL's feelings are not your problem to solve. Let him be bored. Let him do stuff for himself. Let him not know how to do something. Let him feel like he's in the way, because do you know what? He is in the way. And stop assuming that you know how he feels. You do not have to rush in and fix every single little thing. Deal with the anxiety that not fixing it causes you, and trust that FIL can figure these things out for himself.

If your DH wants to overdo it then develop man flu - let him. You don't have to cosset. He's a grown man, he's not 5. He does not need cosseting. Let him sort himself out and deal with the consequences of his actions. Not your problem to solve. You are not responsible for how he feels. If he says I feel terrible, say 'that's a shame' and carry on with what you are doing. You don't have to fix the fact that he feels crappy, he can do that himself. It's his responsibility. Trust in his ability to take care of himself. Let him fix his own mess.

You've said that you have problems setting boundaries, which is clear from your post and it's a good thing that you've acknowledged that. There's also an element of you wanting to be in control of things that you don't need to be in control of. You don't need to manage FIL. You said 'I don't want him to feel . . .' Let him feel whatever the hell it is. You don't get to control how he feels, so stop trying. Same with your DH.

In the short term I think you maybe need to step back from the pair of them and keep your eyes on your own work. You've got a job to do - stop using these two as an excuse not to do it.

@Elderly Sorry things are getting on top of you OP - it's completely understandable while you and your FIL are getting used to the new situation (I think your DH is being a CF managing to side-step all this though - maybe you could ask him how successful he thinks his career would be if you left and he had to juggle his work with taking care of his own father? 🙄 ).
I see a pp has already suggested a day centre to give you some respite whilst you're trying to work. How about also looking for a "Silver Surfers" club in your area - somewhere for FIL to go where he can learn new IT skills (so will hopefully need less of your time in that regard) and he'll be with other people in his age group.

Your husband sounds like the kind of man you divorce and then look back at aghast at how on earth you let him think he was worthy of you!

What a horrible, unkind, spiteful man to speak to you the way he does.

His dad sounds lovely, the apple fell far from the tree on this occasion by the sounds of it.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you with disdain and contempt like your husband does? You sound so kind and thoughtful. You deserve much more than he can (or at least wants to) offer you emotionally.