Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

239 replies

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 19:31

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

OP posts:
LuckyPaisley · 09/01/2025 22:25

I'd not only not take them on holiday but I'd be withdrawing a lot of other support. I get the impression you're a bit too soft on them - the food pick up suggests that. It is a hard transition to get them to be independent sometimes but it sounds like they need life to be made a little less cushty for them to force them to get off their arses.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/01/2025 22:23

I would go without them but during the uni term time eg June or late September so they don't feel missing out and so I can see them in the uni holidays and also so it's cheaper

pilates · 09/01/2025 22:18

Go on your own - sounds like you deserve a good holiday.

strawberryblue · 09/01/2025 22:14

Do you want them to come?

If so maybe ask them to pay half? That may spur uni child on to actually get a job!

ChillWith · 09/01/2025 22:13

No, you're nor being unreasonable. You have adult kids who must now want to make their own ways in the world. I'm sure your child at uni will either want to work next summer or go on holiday with friends?

AxolotlEars · 09/01/2025 22:12

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:06

Sorry if a little frustration came through on my post. Tonight they got ME to drive them to collect food for them both coming to nearly £40! This is after begging uni child to apply for more jobs, and for wrangling with the elderly one to up the keep by a few quid a month, and on the back of them just having a new tattoo done.

Thank you all, I am REALLY grateful for this input.

@NinevehBabylon thank you! I was pass that on

I don't ever understand people saying "they got you" to do something! You did it. You chose to....for whatever reason.

We take ours on holidays...camping 🤣 well, actually in a caravan.

GooseMoose2 · 09/01/2025 22:08

They are 19 and 20, let them do there own thing and enjoy your holiday.

OhCobblers · 09/01/2025 22:02

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:06

Sorry if a little frustration came through on my post. Tonight they got ME to drive them to collect food for them both coming to nearly £40! This is after begging uni child to apply for more jobs, and for wrangling with the elderly one to up the keep by a few quid a month, and on the back of them just having a new tattoo done.

Thank you all, I am REALLY grateful for this input.

@NinevehBabylon thank you! I was pass that on

I was wavering in my thoughts on your first OP (if you can afford to take them then do) but having read this I'd say tough love as a previous poster mentioned and head off just the two of you AND enjoy it!!

PatchworkElmer · 09/01/2025 22:02

I’m trying to remember how my parents did this. I think one year they just said “we’re off to Egypt on these dates, here are the flight numbers”. Sister and I didn’t think anything of it.

TeenageRooster · 09/01/2025 21:51

I'd be saying 'best not to count you in because you're bound to have other things going on, events with friends,work shifts'

Passthecake30 · 09/01/2025 21:45

I can see myself in this situation one day, I think I’d try a compromise, short break with them and a separate break with dp, so they get to learn that they don’t always get to come!

EmeraldRoulette · 09/01/2025 21:39

Why did you drive them to get expensive food? How much food was it, you paid? What will it cover?

I was going to ask why they turned down work at Christmas but if you are subbing them then I guess I know the answer.

I am baffled why you'd consider taking them on holiday in this situation.

Onthego25 · 09/01/2025 21:35

I'll take mine on our hols for as long as they would like to join us.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 09/01/2025 21:34

Go without them! You won't be tied to the academic holiday times, and if you are paying for 2 rather than 4 you can go somewhere new and exciting!

Rocknrollstar · 09/01/2025 21:29

It honestly never occurred to me to take DC on holiday once they left school. they didn’t have holidays while at uni - they had jobs.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 09/01/2025 21:24

Would they like to come?
Would you enjoy a family holiday?

If so, I would do it. IF it can be afforded.

Wasn’t keen to push mine out of the nest.

OldTinHat · 09/01/2025 20:43

My once 16yr old flat out refused to ever come on holiday with me ever again.

And didn't.

I then took younger DC by 18m on holiday a year later (so same kind of age), they also swore never again.

Leave them behind, OP!

Original poster
Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:28

@Leeds2 they do want to come, they’re not daft! Neither of them are party animals and are quite comfortable spending the time with us, and allowing us to bankroll it!

I’m feeling much less guilty now for even considering it. DH raised it after hearing the altercation about them spending money on luxuries and just letting us pay for everything else.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 09/01/2025 20:10

YANBU at all. I would find their lack of application to finding any sort of paid employment to make me not want to fund their holiday.
But, do they actually want to come with you?

spirit20 · 09/01/2025 20:09

Definitely don't pay for them, why on earth would you!

I8toys · 09/01/2025 20:07

YANBU but I still love taking our kids 19 and 21. We don't see them when they're at uni so I love the time we spend together. Just been to Malta before Christmas and it was so nice to spend time together as a four again. We have Bucharest and Sweden booked this year so I am sure they will join as they love learning about the history and cultures of different countries. DS1 usually then takes his mates to the places we've been to. He's like a tour guide.

macap · 09/01/2025 20:06

God NBU. Go and enjoy yourselves. Grin

Original poster
Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:06

Sorry if a little frustration came through on my post. Tonight they got ME to drive them to collect food for them both coming to nearly £40! This is after begging uni child to apply for more jobs, and for wrangling with the elderly one to up the keep by a few quid a month, and on the back of them just having a new tattoo done.

Thank you all, I am REALLY grateful for this input.

@NinevehBabylon thank you! I was pass that on

OP posts:
NinevehBabylon · 09/01/2025 19:58

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 19:31

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

OP, you’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Also, get your 19 year old to register as a tutor for Cambly. They are guaranteed to get work on there as an English conversation tutor with no preparation whatsoever. They just have to create a video and wait to be accepted. It is fully remote work and pays $10.20 an hour.

Pinkissmart · 09/01/2025 19:57

It’s fine to not take them, but you seem a bit angry at your kids?

Swipe left for the next trending thread