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Original poster

To think it’s unfair to criticise me for moaning?

34 replies

Vestre · 09/01/2025 18:56

I’m 20 and in a very good RG uni having done excellently in my A Levels.

i didn’t want to go to this uni - I wanted to go in my home city but felt obliged to go to the other more academic one I’m in now, which is the one my abusive mum wanted me to go to and I’m scared of her reaction if I defy her

my mum hates my boyfriend who lives in my home city - this is another reason I think she wanted me to go to my current more academic uni in another city

when I came home over Xmas I expressed I didn’t like my uni to my mum she said

”I don’t want moaning!”

im 20 yo ffs!!!! I hate my uni and am counting down the days til I can leave. It’s shit - I only went to this uni to please my mum NOT because I wanted to go and now I’m being criticised for moaning about it

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Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 22:04

toomuchfaff · 09/01/2025 19:58

So, as for economic independence, that's for you to sort, if you're dependant on someone, you're beholden to them to some extent, but you can break free, it may mean you have less or need to cut back? However, that doesn't mean you should accept manipulative tactics such as threatening suicide. There are some good advice sources for when people use these tactics, search on Google, ticktoc, don't accept manipulation. Your life is your life. She only has as much control of it because you let her.

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Thank you - so true

OP posts:
Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 22:03

VoltaireMittyDream · 09/01/2025 19:03

Unfortunately, if your mother is abusive (a) complaining to her isn’t ever likely to be met with sympathy (b) she’s going to criticise.

It sucks, but this is the dynamic you’re in. You can’t change her, you can only try to protect yourself. If you need to vent, find a more sympathetic person to vent to. It will just lead to more heartache trying to get from your mum what she can’t give.

I’m sorry that you are in this situation.

Thank you you’re right

OP posts:
Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 21:13

Vestre · 09/01/2025 20:39

It’s not - in itself - to be fair

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So what’s the problem? Uni is not too bad, you’re away from home…

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 20:39

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 20:04

I meant about uni. Why is it shit?

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It’s not - in itself - to be fair

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Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 20:04

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:18

Cos my mum treats me like a child and I’m DESPERATE to be financially independent

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I meant about uni. Why is it shit?

toomuchfaff · 09/01/2025 19:58

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:17

You make some very good comments here, so thank you

but - I’m not economically independent

my mums threatened to throw me out on the streets before as well as kill herself if something happens that’s not to her liking

Show quote history

So, as for economic independence, that's for you to sort, if you're dependant on someone, you're beholden to them to some extent, but you can break free, it may mean you have less or need to cut back? However, that doesn't mean you should accept manipulative tactics such as threatening suicide. There are some good advice sources for when people use these tactics, search on Google, ticktoc, don't accept manipulation. Your life is your life. She only has as much control of it because you let her.

pikkumyy77 · 09/01/2025 19:40

Don’t blow up your education and financial future to get away from your mother right now. Just grey rock her. Frankly:staying 40 miles away from home in your university sounds more sensible than moving home to be more under her thumb. Just stay put, work hard to make connections/get a part time job in the university town, arrange not to come home for the various term breaks by being able to say you have been hired to work on a project or have a job that means you can’t come home. You will have more options than s factory job, one hopes, if you stick it out snd have good internships or connections through university in a few years.

Arlanymor · 09/01/2025 19:39

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:13

I told my mum I’d stayed overnight with my boyfriend at his nan’d house recently- and she went ballistic !

but thanks for your response - sensible advice

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You're welcome - sounds like there are things you just don't need to share with her if she can't have a reasoned and rational response to the information?

Sorry she's making things difficult - I wish you all the luck in making the right decision for you.

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:33

OneOfTheTwo · 09/01/2025 19:30

Are you not entitled to student loan if you move out? Switch unis, apply for halls, apply for a student loan, get a part time job.

Thank you - good, practical advice

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Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:33

Cerialkiller · 09/01/2025 19:29

If your mum is financing you then presumably she may cut off funding if you defy her?

While you have this tie to her you can't be free of her in fluence. Can you look into getting a student loan? Then getting a part time job?

If you go to the uni in your home town are you likely to end up enmeshed with her again,?

I think pp has it right. You need to really consider what you want. Is part of the reason you don't like where you are, resentment that it was your mother's choice? Are you going to feel the same away about any other places? Will you feel resentment at bf if you go to the local uni.

Work out what you want. Uninfluenced by others, then work out how to get it. Assume that your mother will use her influence to pull strings or emotionally manipulated you, so you need to find away to remove your dependence on her.

If your mother cuts you off for whatever reason then there are various hardship grants so it's worth asking the uni admin about this should it happen.

Thanks so much for this useful advice - yes she will cut me off financially if I defy her

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OneOfTheTwo · 09/01/2025 19:30

Are you not entitled to student loan if you move out? Switch unis, apply for halls, apply for a student loan, get a part time job.

Cerialkiller · 09/01/2025 19:29

If your mum is financing you then presumably she may cut off funding if you defy her?

While you have this tie to her you can't be free of her in fluence. Can you look into getting a student loan? Then getting a part time job?

If you go to the uni in your home town are you likely to end up enmeshed with her again,?

I think pp has it right. You need to really consider what you want. Is part of the reason you don't like where you are, resentment that it was your mother's choice? Are you going to feel the same away about any other places? Will you feel resentment at bf if you go to the local uni.

Work out what you want. Uninfluenced by others, then work out how to get it. Assume that your mother will use her influence to pull strings or emotionally manipulated you, so you need to find away to remove your dependence on her.

If your mother cuts you off for whatever reason then there are various hardship grants so it's worth asking the uni admin about this should it happen.

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:29

Ilovethatbear · 09/01/2025 19:20

You will need a part time job then.

Your mother sounds just like mine. Actually, mine manipulated me into going to uni near home by lying about having cancer…

I can’t tell you how much better it is to work harder but have that independence.

Definitely

Sorry you went through this

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Ilovethatbear · 09/01/2025 19:20

You will need a part time job then.

Your mother sounds just like mine. Actually, mine manipulated me into going to uni near home by lying about having cancer…

I can’t tell you how much better it is to work harder but have that independence.

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:18

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 19:04

What is so shit about it?

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Cos my mum treats me like a child and I’m DESPERATE to be financially independent

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Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:17

toomuchfaff · 09/01/2025 19:09

i didn’t want to go to this uni - swap then.

I’m scared of her reaction if I defy her - in reality, she can only do what you let her do? You're an adult, she only has as much influence over your life that you allow.

my mum hates my boyfriend
Tough shit.

Your mum is in the FAFO timeline, where you can show her the FO, You have all the cards, why do you let her control your life

You make some very good comments here, so thank you

but - I’m not economically independent

my mums threatened to throw me out on the streets before as well as kill herself if something happens that’s not to her liking

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Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:14

eatreadsleeprepeat · 09/01/2025 19:11

How far away from home is your uni? What year are you in? Does your mother support you financially at all?
If you are in second year you are halfway through your degree. You will earn more and be independent of your mother more effectively if you can stick it out and graduate.
Maybe try to analyse what it is that you dislike about the university, course, accommodation, people? How much of your desire to change unis is based on what is wrong rather than a desire to be in your home city?

1st year
40 miles
my mum supports financially

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poemsandwine · 09/01/2025 19:14

Change university but don't base choices for your future on your boyfriend sticking around. He might. But a man is not a plan.

Original poster
Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:13

Arlanymor · 09/01/2025 19:02

You're 20 - you're an adult, you can change university if you want to. I get that you felt railroaded into your initial decision, but take some time to really consider your options now and why you want to change. Is it because the other university has the course you really want to pursue or is it because you'd be closer to your boyfriend? If the former then fair enough, if the latter then you need to think longer term about your employment prospects.

This isn't about you not being able to complain/moan - it's about taking proactive action to do what is right for you, regardless of what anyone else says - it's your future after all and you're not a child anymore.

I told my mum I’d stayed overnight with my boyfriend at his nan’d house recently- and she went ballistic !

but thanks for your response - sensible advice

OP posts:
eatreadsleeprepeat · 09/01/2025 19:11

How far away from home is your uni? What year are you in? Does your mother support you financially at all?
If you are in second year you are halfway through your degree. You will earn more and be independent of your mother more effectively if you can stick it out and graduate.
Maybe try to analyse what it is that you dislike about the university, course, accommodation, people? How much of your desire to change unis is based on what is wrong rather than a desire to be in your home city?

Ilovethatbear · 09/01/2025 19:10

Just change unis but stay in halls, live independently from abusive mother.

toomuchfaff · 09/01/2025 19:09

i didn’t want to go to this uni - swap then.

I’m scared of her reaction if I defy her - in reality, she can only do what you let her do? You're an adult, she only has as much influence over your life that you allow.

my mum hates my boyfriend
Tough shit.

Your mum is in the FAFO timeline, where you can show her the FO, You have all the cards, why do you let her control your life

TeenLifeMum · 09/01/2025 19:06

One skill in life is learning who to share info with. If your mum brings you down, don’t share info you know she won’t want to hear. You’ve just taken a problem to her. As an adult you sort then you let her know, I really wasn’t enjoying it so I’ve switched uni and this is my plan.

(I would be disappointed if dd didn’t go to uni away from her hometown, especially because there’s a boy. If he’s the one he’ll visit and you’ll make it work. Never make life choices around a boy… but at 20 we often do.)

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 19:04

Vestre · 09/01/2025 19:02

Yes I’ve met some people but it’s still shit

im dying to earn money so I can live independently from my mum even if it’s a factory tbh

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What is so shit about it?

Knackerdeep · 09/01/2025 19:04

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