I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

I have two late teen/ young adult kids with SN, one with severe mental health challenges so I do understand the fear.

Your DS will need support from you in sorting this out, but I think you would benefit from having another go at therapy. You are sorting out everyone, even your therapist. There is a massive pattern here and I think this is separate from your DS immediate needs. I get that your kids still need you but I would seriously look at how much support you are willing to provide to your DH and your mum.

When ds is sorted, however long that takes I would seriously consider doing what pp suggests and taking four weeks away to leave them to it

Due to ADHD I Agree with the day of admin with him. Take him step by step through applying for benefits, having a mortgage break, updating CV. Show him these things so he can do things independently next time.

if you’ve spare time ping him jobs you see online. He might benefit from professional careers advice however. Consider transferable skills and broaden the search.

So your response would be to parent him even more?? He’s 33. Even if he has ADHD that’s no need to require his mom to do his admin.

Then unfortunately you didn’t have therapy!! You need a therapist who is actually competent.

All of this comes down to ‘over responsibility’, interesting to research. It is a trauma response very likely due to the parentification you experienced as a child. Hard to hear, but this co-dependancy is a choice and it usually causes a lot of problems for those who you are enabling.

This is such bullshit. You need to read codependent no more and stop trying to find your value in mothering everyone.

He's not a child he's a grown adult man . Time to cut the strings and let him figure things out for himself . Meddling can lead to bad feeling and resentment so I'd leave him to it .

You really have to, though. Let it go, I mean. You need therapy snd support to stop projecting your brother’s sad situation onto your sons. It is too painful for you and, in addition, won’t do any good. It will just progressively ruin the relationship you would like to have with your sons.

To add: one of the things you maybe need to do is downsize so that all three DS are responsible for their own housing

You need to take a step back. I suspect he thinks you're going to bail him out because you've always been there to reduce the situation.

What's the situation with your DM and your DH?

I would highly recommend that you save up some annual leave and take a solo trip abroad for four weeks leaving everyone else to deal with their own crap. They are all adults. Give yourself a proper break and a chance to review what you want the next 20 years to look like and how to make changes so you live the next chapter ina way you want.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks (great username!) nailed it.

Op please stop claiming responsibility for everything and everyone in life.

You don't have boys you have men.

Step back and allow them to live their lives and make mistakes they are supposed to

It doesn’t sound like you are affording him much privacy or ability to live his own life. He knew you’d try to smother him if he told you, and you did. I know you worry, but you’ve said he’s always fine when you rush round in a panic. He doesn’t want your help, you need to try to accept that or you’ll lose your relationship with him.

Well losing his home may be the outcome, but as long as you're prepared for the downside, I think you need to let it happen. Speak to him about giving support and some direction, but then push it back to him. You never know he may step up if given the push

@Applepoop No he doesn't. He has his own mortgage.

You are not helping by facilitating this behaviour. Tough love needed. They'll thank you in the end.

OP your updates make it clear that this isn’t really about your adult sons, it’s about your own traumas and family background. You’d probably be better having some therapy for yourself than trying to bury all your feelings by attempting to control your adult sons’ lives.

He didn't even tell you for a month. The only person putting inappropriate expectations on yourself is you.

the problem here OP is that if he loses his home, he's either going to be back with you, or on the streets. Are you prepared for the latter?

The difference I would say is that your partner lives with you. Even if you are not being his mummy, you are still being his partner and you'll be engaging in discussions of navigating life - whether that's what car insurance to get or what food to get or where to live, you are conversing about it. OP's DS is isolated and floundering. He really does need her IMO.

I do understand your perspective, which is understandably shaped by your own life experience. However, the current fact is that your DS has a problem - which he currently cannot dig his way out of alone. He is on his own and has nobody living with him to discuss solutions with etc. He is floundering and he does need your help, and unfortunately that help may extend further than paying the car loan.

I would just be really careful about following the of the tough love style advice on this thread. I am a parent of an adult with SN - but I wonder if everyone giving advice on this thread is as well - statistically I doubt it.

Not adults no. My partner has AuDHD though and is 26, he manages to not need his mummy to get him a job, pay his mortgage or wipe his ass.

Have you asked him what he intends to do? Making it plain that he can't just come home and regress to being a 14 year old? I know it's hard and we want to provide a home for our kids whenever they need it, but when they seem to be self sabotaging then sometimes we have to put a foot down and tell them that they have to sort themselves out.