I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

Next time he says that, tell him he's right, and he's not coming back, and furthermore, if he had an ounce of self-respect, you wouldn't have had to.

He sounds immature and manipulative, but you're eagerly buying his crap and beating yourself up about it.

A man like that isn't to be spoonfed, rescued, or pandered to. He's to be ignored and if necessary mocked.

Posters saying he has special needs - that is unknown. A huge number of people fit the profile for neurodiversity. I did a course at work recently which said 50% of people are projected to identify as ND by 2030. We have to accept that most neurodiversity is just a normal human variant and not a reason or an excuse for huge numbers of people to act as if they are helpless, unable to work and become dependent on either their mothers or the state or both.

The thing is OP, has he actually ASKED you for help, or are you just assuming the worst and panicking? If he's asked for help, the only way you should really help him is by pointing him in the right direction to get assistance with things, ie, if he says I haven't been paying the mortgage, and I've had a letter saying that if I don't pay they're going to repossess my flat, what should I do? Then you can suggest that he contacts his mortgage people, and tells them his situation, and asks them if they can help him. Whatever you do, don't offer to pay it for him. You can also point out that he would be able to pay the mortgage if he weren't being so fussy about what jobs he wants to do, and that if things are this desperate he needs to get a job, ANY job, and quickly. However, the last thing you should do is encourage him to move back in with you, as he will then end up staying until you die. Sorry to be so blunt OP, but you've basically admitted that you've made a rod for your own back, so if you want to put a stop to doing everything, for everyone, you have to reign yourself in, and let people sort their own problems out, otherwise they never learn.

My DM used to sort everything out for my eldest DS, but was happy to leave myself and my other sibling to our own devices, as we weren't as feckless with money as this DS. We kept telling her that while she did this, she would never learn to stand on her own two feet, but Mum carried on bailing her out until the day she died, all the time worrying that my DS would lose her house if she didn't. Mum has been gone for 22 years now, and amazingly, my DS still has her house!!

Read my last paragraph again and think about it!

OP, do you think you may also be neurodiverse? Is that something you've explored.

You are choosing to be responsible for everyone and you need to figure out why that is.

It sounds like you have a need to be needed.

You need to let people make their own mistakes and fail.

This is you being controlling. You need to let him do as he will.

@iceandwine This is fairly typical of young men. Career opportunities now for men are poor and the overwhelming majority will have average or low salaries. Men today struggle with finding a sense of purpose.

There are extremely few men who will ever enjoy the success seen among Gen X and Millenial women on mumsnet.

Take a massive step back. They are grown men. Is it possible that perhaps you are enabling their incompetence by doing everything for and managing them?
Let them ask you for advice/ support. Only offer it when they come to you seeking it.
Try not to appear to care more about getting things sorted for them than they do , that's how they end up being uncooperative and acting like working with you to fix their lives is doing YOU a favour.

Stop sending him jobs. He can use the internet! You are making it extremely easy for him to be lazy, and being very controlling. Just leave him to sort it out.

I'm confused how he manages to have a flat with a mortgage if he was only working limited hours. Was he extremely well paid or does he have a long established work history and this is a glitch? How old is he? Because the right advice depends on this. Also does how is his mood now? Is he happy scatty ADHD type and a bit down about the job and really struggling to manage.

His options if he can't pay the mortgage are get a lodger, let the whole house out and stay with you for a time limited period to get back on his feet and find a new job or sell the house asap. He can rent a room too if he's starting over.

In terms of help some regular help with bills and organising and maintaining a home could be a good idea if he had ADHD. Some adults need more help than others. Also ADHD has a wildly different impact on different people depending on their resilience.

The thing you haven't mentioned in all this is what he actually wants. If he doesn't want any of the help you have to accept it's his choice.

Oh and your therapist was crap there are loads of ethical rules to follow if you are a therapist and it definitely doesn't include offloading about your own problems! Anyone can call themselves a therapist it's not regulated so I would persevere with your own therapy but check someone is properly qualified first. And even then they might not be great so be prepared to walk away if they're not the right fit

Agree that those suggesting tough life don't know what it's like to have a child who finally hits the adhd/neurodivergence wall.

There's a reason that on average we change jobs far more often than others.

OP, for gods sake, it's not amusing that you ended up being therapist too your therapist, it's awful. Get someone else, make sure they're female (it's important, you assume that men need rescuing, quite rightly given your background), and find someone who can work with what you're dealing with.

This all resonates strongly to me, and people have little insight when it's children, let alone adults.

They think adhd is being tigger, or forgetful, they have NO idea. I'm also tired of the "my son/ husband/ milkman has adhd"...

Well if he’s now not working and not going to job interviews he doesn’t need the car.
it can come to your house until he has a job and needs it.

he’ll soon get the theory of ‘act like a child - treat like a child’ or ‘no money - no fun’

I agree, there are positive signs there that he can cope with his mum withdrawing the practical support

Oh op, I just saw this. Please ignore my previous comment regarding giggling at the therapist

You're clearly a lovely mum but you've got to take care of yourself and also help them by letting them help themselves

As long as you're always there as a friend and confidant, they'll be okay, they will just learn to take more responsibility xx

I agree with that.

just the idea of OP going over and fixing things just hit a button for me. I (perhaps wrongly) assumed he was just choosing to do things differently than how his mother wanted him to do it.

getting a mortgage was one of the most difficult things I did. If he managed that, he can likely handle this.

I have been in your position, always giving and rescuing. You are unfortunately enabling your sons by not allowing them to stand on their own two feet.

I would explicitly tell them they are getting no further financial or administrative help from you, that you are happy to provide emotional support (as much as you feel able to) whilst they sort themselves out and that if they have any big questions then the internet exists. You are not their carer anymore and they need to grow up.

its doing them a kindness in the long run, I promise.

your brother dying was not your fault. I know it is so difficult. but you cannot blame yourself.

My brother was also a very serious drug addict and I unknowingly enabled him by giving him money and a lot of emotional support. It only stopped when I realised what he was doing, cut off all money, paid for a tiny room for him and bought him groceries and made him go to an NA meeting where he built a support network and started to take responsibility for his life. The endless pandering to his moods, lies and personal disasters was killing him and in the end I gave him zero choice but to recover as all sources of money (including from his friends) had been cut off.

Not RTFT but just in case you don't know, I think a private ADHD assessment means you have to pay for medication privately, which can get quite expensive. If he's not even interested in it really, I'd avoid that route although I understand for certain sitautions it would be worth it.

Im sorry, i know you're going through it but this is very funny and im trying not to giggle

After your son is sorted, I hope you're able to find a better therapist x

Find a better therapist, so sorry you had such a bad experience- you need someone with proper training, experience and a good track record,

Honestly, if he's come this far and still needs help, it's not the best idea to just stop completely on a random Thursday

But it does need to come to an end

This doesn;t quite work with ADHD as people can't take control of their lives. It looks like slacking but it's actually a neural glitch.

I would help but not rescue. As a PP suggested, go round for a day and help him set in motion applying for any benefits he may be entitled to, as well as drawing up a list of jobs. Explain that applying for an interim job doesn't mean he'll be stuck with it, but he does need to pay his bills.

Does he have a spare room? Could he get a lodger?

I find it embarrassing how some adult men are mollycoddled by their mums. Just leave him be. He’s an adult and for goodness sake don’t let him move back in with you. That may be what he wants. Much less stress to let mum cook, clean after him etc.