I am really scunnered having to parent adult children.

@iceandwine you got him a job, you found him a house, you solve all his problems, you run around fixing everything. He doesn’t see the need to do it because you do.

im sorry and i can say ive done similar - but you are your own worst enemy partially due to your past.

Maybe he needs to land on his arse and lose the house and get benefits and rent somewhere to think ‘shit, this isn’t what I want…’. How will he ever grow up if mammy doesn’t cut the apron strings.

id make it clear he can’t come home as that’s another easy out option. There’s emergency council housing etc.

tough love is needed. Not saying don’t help if he asks - but stop taking the lead and doing it all.

OP, you said you don’t want to be the fixer for your children, husband and mum. What’s stopping you?

I hear you OP. I don't want to go into too many details but I had no idea my adult children would need so much support and input for so long into adulthood, I don't believe it ever really stops these days. I also don't think its that uncommon either its just different levels of need and entitlement. If I had know what a rod I was making for my own back I don't think I would have had a family at all.

Sometimes when you do too much for someone, they don’t learn to stand on their own 2 feet.

It’s lovely how supportive you are of him but I wonder if it’s having the opposite effect.

If you put pressure on him, then he doesn’t need to put pressure on himself.
And we all need a bit of pressure to push us into doing better for ourselves.

I had very little input from my parents and I am very independent, a hard worker and a go getter (which also sounds like you).

My DB is the same age as your son and has always had a lot of support and my parents pay for his car insurance, bail him out when he’s behind bills etc. So much so that he now really struggles to keep a job or budget. My parents have had a drop in income and he’s now asking to borrow money off of me, even though I earn a lot less than him.

Step back a bit, let him have the consequences of his actions, so that he can learn from them.
If anything were to happen to you, he would need to learn how to do it anyway.

It’s way better to step back and let him get on with it, whilst you’re still there to step in if needed, than when you’re unable to help.

Stop babying adult men.

Its pretty normal in some circles for parents to continually financially support their adult sons and daughters.

You need to step right back. These are adult men. The more you do for them the less likely it will be that they will take responsibility for themselves.

I honestly can't imagine having that much involvement in adult children's lives. What about your life? Get out there and live it.

You haven’t had to be controlling. You have chosen to be.

@Bohemond23 Unfortunately, in doing this they have effectively broken him and, at 50, he is emotionally still a child in many ways. No resilience, extremely selfish and with some very odd and sometimes unpleasant views.

Sounds like most other people then. Completely normal.

If my elder son doesn't answer the phone all day I really panic and rush down there to make sure he is ok

I actually don't want to control their every move

OP, can you not see that there is a contradiction in those two statements?

I understand that you’ve had a traumatic past with your brother but it’s not fair to project that on to your relationship with your son. He is an adult. It’s incredibly suffocating and yes, controlling to expect to always pick up the phone when you call and then to make him feel that he’s caused you distress if he doesn’t. If I couldn’t ignore the occasional call when I was busy (or didn’t feel like a chat) without getting repeated further calls all day and a panicked visit from my distressed mother, I would probably opt to have no contact with my mother at all because it would be unbearable. Adults are entitled not to be available sometimes. I know you don’t mean this to be controlling, but it is.

I just want them to be responsible I suppose

I’m sure you do, but it’s not up to you. Adults don’t have to behave in a responsible manner if they don’t want to. The job, mortgage and lifestyle of a 33-year-old man are none of your business. You really, really need to stop babying your adult sons like this. It’s so unhealthy for you to be running their lives. You need to let go and accept that if they fuck up, they fuck up.

Tangentially, I think most people would find your over-involvement in your son’s lives very off-putting from a dating perspective. Who the hell wants a relationship with a man whose mum plans his career for him and turns up on the doorstep if he doesn’t answer the phone for one day?

My parents relationship with my brother sounds very similar, including the back story. Our father committed suicide soon after he was born and my mother (and step father) are over focused on his life and wellbeing in the way you are. Unfortunately, in doing this they have effectively broken him and, at 50, he is emotionally still a child in many ways. No resilience, extremely selfish and with some very odd and sometimes unpleasant views. Back off. All of your sons need to learn to rely on themselves.

Sorry, but you have to step back and not get involved.

I say this as someone who has been in all sorts of financial disasters. No lessons and independence will be learned otherwise.

@mathanxiety He sounds immature and manipulative, but you're eagerly buying his crap and beating yourself up about it.

Young men stay at home because housing prices have been made unaffordable by previous generations.

Average salary is about £35k. Using the x4.5 mortgage rule, that means he can afford a property up to £157.5k.

How many properties have you seen for £157.5k?

Then of course, bills and food costs are through the roof nowadays.

So apparently, not having money is considered "immature." Only on mumsnet.

IDK what scunnered means but get the gist. I am same age as you, four adult kids youngest 21 oldest 33, single parent. I empathise with you however you are always going to be their Mum and they will always have your support ( you might try to make them less dependent on you, but it is part of being a Mum)
I have an average paid job so can not help financially but 100% can listen and advise. Cut the money off, that is going to give a big incentive to get a job, if they loose their home then yes they face the consequences, if they come back to live with you then it is for only a couple of months while they sort alternative accommodation out.
I totally understand your point re loosing your brother and with men especially if MH is involved they need to know that you are there for them but just advise , they have to live their own life but you also need some peace, good luck with that as my kids don’t give me any but I would not have it any other way.💐

IOh dear, OP, you’re definitely too enmeshed in his life. You shouldn’t be organizing his finances at this point, but if you’re truly concerned that he’s in a muddle with applying for benefits, his mortgage, etc., please do as others have suggested and offer to go over to his flat for an afternoon to chat about things and help get admin. sorted. Take a weekday off work to do this so offices will be open if he needs to speak to people.

If he declines this offer though, let him get on with it. He may be more on top of everything than you think and not welcome the interference.

I sympathize with how you feel though. One of my neighbors confided to me recently that she’s finding her adult children (eldest is 31) frustrating as she still feels obliged to do so much for them. She’s early 60’s, works FT and has had enough. It’s exhausting. 💐

How come you ended up paying for his car? It doesn’t sound like he really needed one.

I can understand you wanting to push him to be independent as it sounds like he probably wouldn’t have left of his own accord.

I do think though that you have been doing too much for him and so he is still very much reliant on you. Does he realise the seriousness of the situation or is he just casually letting you take charge?

Definitely step back- give advice but let him work it out.

Honestly you've been so good to them I wish I had a mum like you! Sorry I've no practical suggestions 💐

There are plenty of other jobs he can apply to.

'The job is too easy' Okay, then finish the work quickly and do something else.

Yes, people with ADHD may procrastinate, but he's nothing but lazy. Maybe he doesn't want to work.

OP I have ADHD (late diagnosed) and it took me a long time to step up and take responsibility for my own life. Had I been able to stay in the parental home without rent or bills I'm not sure I ever would have. You did the right thing getting him to move out but now you have to ensure he doesn't move back.

If his flat is repossessed, he will have to rent somewhere, and sort out UC applications, etc., or he will have to find other accommodation on friends' sofas. Yes, it may go horribly wrong for him, and he may blame you, and it may well be harder for him to get his shit together than it would be for others. But ADHD cannot be a reason for him not to take responsibility for his life just because it is harder for him than for others. That's precisely the direction of thinking that does lead to addiction and going off the rails. He needs to step up for himself, and he will only do that if you step back. Hold hard - you're doing the right thing.

STOP enabling his behaviour.

He needs to find a job, stop procrastinating and pay his mortgage. You're 60. Do you want to run around paying a mortgage that doesn't belong to you?