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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my adult daughter has a operation tommorow and i fly to italy for day trip is this wrong?

32 replies

PlumBeaker · 09/01/2025 18:32

hi
i have just found out my adult daughter 24 has a operation tommorow to remove fluid from her head, im due to fly to italy on a day trip, the hospital doesnt allow visitors and she and partner have said to go but i cant help feel guilty even though i cant do anything other then wait at home,would it be unreasonable to go?

OP posts:
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MrsKeats · 09/01/2025 23:20

No way I would go.
A day trip to Italy is ridiculous anyway.

BeLilacSloth · 09/01/2025 20:05

OP I hope your daughters op goes ok, I had an awful preganncy 3 years a go where I was told to abort at 20 weeks (luckily didn’t have to but was still a horrific time) i’m pregnant again and was convinced the same would happen. My mum was due to go on holiday this week and I was the same as your DD, told her not to miss out or she’ll lose money. It’s a tough situation but you must go OP and try not to worry too much.

umdontdothat · 09/01/2025 19:52

What sort of surgery is this? Is it Neuro? Does it involve GA? 'Draining fluid from the head ' is too vague to advise really. If it's draining a sebaceous cyst under local from head and neck, I'd go; if neurosurgery then definitely no.

BarbaraHoward · 09/01/2025 19:41

If I were the patient I wouldn't want my mum to cancel, but if I were the mum I wouldn't be going anywhere.

Original poster
PlumBeaker · 09/01/2025 19:40

i dont know its my first time using this and i couldnt work out how to answer initially so left last letter off.

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 09/01/2025 19:39

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 19:03

I wouldn’t be going. Are you honestly going to enjoy it? 24 is young and her legal next of kin is her parents.

There is no such thing as “legal next of kin”. Her next of kin in terms of making decisions on her behalf is whomever she nominates before she goes into surgery.

Hercisback1 · 09/01/2025 19:31

Flying for a day trip is the unreasonable part.

ocdisrubbish · 09/01/2025 19:31

Plumbeake · 09/01/2025 19:28

Thankyou everyone for your replies
It was just a trip to bergamo for the day and a short flight booked months ago. We only found out this was happening today. Nobody is allowed in the hospital at all no visitors and she will be back the same day. Maybe I will consider going as she is adamant I should especially as she collects snowglobes. Many thanks everyone

Best wishes to your DD op

OurDreamLife · 09/01/2025 19:30

I had surgery on my own over the summer on no family were allowed to be there anyway. Just keep in contact and make sure you check in and visit asap after. It hurt me that my mum didn’t think to.

thesaskedminger · 09/01/2025 19:30

I thought you couldn't name change on threads anymore?

Adamante · 09/01/2025 19:30

There's no way I would go but I wouldn't judge anyone who did. There's no real reason not to but I would just want to be close by.

Plumbeake · 09/01/2025 19:28

Thankyou everyone for your replies
It was just a trip to bergamo for the day and a short flight booked months ago. We only found out this was happening today. Nobody is allowed in the hospital at all no visitors and she will be back the same day. Maybe I will consider going as she is adamant I should especially as she collects snowglobes. Many thanks everyone

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 19:20

Is it a straightforward procedure and low risk?

If you’re not allowed in there’s not much you can do so I’d go on the trip.

ocdisrubbish · 09/01/2025 19:19

I don’t think there’s a wrong choice but personally I wouldn’t go, brain surgery isn’t exactly minor and I’d want to be there in case any complications arose. But I suppose you know the cause of your DD’s conditions so can judge that risk better than us?

RawBloomers · 09/01/2025 19:18

How serious is the operation, OP? Is it a particularly risky operation or a common one where she’s as likely to be hit by a car on the way to the hospital as to have something bad happen after?

And is this for a condition you already knew about or is this all a revelation you need time to get your head around?

If it’s a routine operation, there’s nothing you could do here anyway, and you’re only going for a day trip, I would probably still go. I would find it a good distraction, though I think it’s fine to think you’d be too worried to enjoy it and stay home instead.

If it’s risky, or if it’s needed because of a new or unknown condition where you don’t really know all the ins and outs, I’d probably not go. And if there was something I could do that would be useful, I’d stay and do that instead.

Ilovethatbear · 09/01/2025 19:16

I wouldn’t bother going as I would be too anxious and worried, it would ruin my trip.

MajorCarolDanvers · 09/01/2025 19:15

Absolutely go. You can’t do anything to help by staying at home and it might help keep your mind occupied.

superplumb · 09/01/2025 19:13

I wouldn't go. Wouldn't say it was wrong to go but I'd be worried so it would be a wasted trip.

LightCameraBitchSmile · 09/01/2025 19:10

The issue is the flying for a day trip! The world is literally on fire

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 09/01/2025 19:06

I don’t think it’s wrong to go if that’s what you want because she’s not on her own and has told you to go. Personally I wouldn’t go because I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. It’s up to you whether you think going on the trip is still worth it.

Nextyearhopes · 09/01/2025 19:03

I wouldn’t be going. Are you honestly going to enjoy it? 24 is young and her legal next of kin is her parents.

YouveGotAFastCar · 09/01/2025 19:01

The daughter has chosen who she wants at the hospital… I’m not sure people should encourage her to hang around other parts of it. I’d hate that, even if it was well meaning.

I’d go, as she’s encouraged you to, and her opinion is the one that counts.

RickiRaccoon · 09/01/2025 19:00

If you'd already booked it and the operation is considered minor, it's fine. When I've been in hospital, I haven't expected everyone to drop everything to be on standby in case something goes wrong.

Fargo79 · 09/01/2025 18:57

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself for a start, and would want to be around in case of any complications. Like @mumofoneAlonebutokay says, there's a lot of support you could offer without having to physically be on the ward.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 09/01/2025 18:43

Is she having brain surgery? I wouldn't be going anywhere, op, just because you can't be on the ward doesn't mean you can't be around. At the hospital, at her house preparing things, providing support x

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