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Original poster

"Typical woman" comment. AIBU to have said something?

128 replies

Yoyoi · 09/01/2025 16:13

DH is throwing a party at our house in a few weeks. V much a 'boys party' - about 15 blokes and will definitely NOT be family friendly. This is very rare really - he doesn't go out a huge amount. But he does have a group of blokes he used to hang around with that are very much good time people. I am taking the kids to my parents for the weekend.

We are trying to sell our house but have lots of DIY things to sort before we do that. DH has been very slow on this and I have been doing most of it. We both work full time.

DH said to me "the good thing about the party is I will finally fix all the stuff with the house. want the place to look good for the lads" (we are talking peeling paint, broken bannister etc)

I said "it would be nice if you'd been motivated to do it for the family & our need to move house rather than the lads"

He said "Only a woman could twist a positive thing into something so negative. The house will get done now and typical woman stuff to find a reason why that isnt' a good thing"

Was I being unreasonable to not just be happy the house will get done?

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 15/01/2025 08:02

Yoyoi · 15/01/2025 08:00

He's always got more excited that the lads than me. He doesn't go out a lot but he's the kind of bloke who if I suggest a film he'll be like "nah, you've got shit taste in films" but if his mate mentions it he will watch it right away. He even admits this. I think it's all wrapped up in the same thing - thinking women are inferior.

Right now I don't really feel like I do love him @Sceptical123

OMG that’s awful, I’m so sorry x

Original poster
Yoyoi · 15/01/2025 08:00

He's always got more excited that the lads than me. He doesn't go out a lot but he's the kind of bloke who if I suggest a film he'll be like "nah, you've got shit taste in films" but if his mate mentions it he will watch it right away. He even admits this. I think it's all wrapped up in the same thing - thinking women are inferior.

Right now I don't really feel like I do love him @Sceptical123

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 15/01/2025 07:45

Yoyoi · 15/01/2025 07:04

I think valentines day is silly to @latetothefisting but still embarrassing that he had to change the date because of the guys were like "of course we can't come on the 14th mate. Doesny your wife mind". He was laughing saying "guess other men need permission hahah"

@fairycakes1234 I do get that. I do the same. It's just that it's DIY stuff that I've been trying to do for so long and he's downplayed (that walls looks fine) and now suddenly he can see it all and wants to fix

Having said all that he's done nothing so far so maybe it's just talk. The house is going to look worse afterwards anyway! All those blokes sleeping in my kids beds 😩

Why are you tolerating this - do the other blokes wives allow this thing to happen in their homes? I’m guessing not.

Also, did he choose Valentine’s Day deliberately? It seemed from your post that he did - why was that? To get out of doing something with you or to prove to his mates he can do what he likes and doesn’t have his balls in a vice type of mentality?

Your comment about him suddenly seeing the work needed to be done after saying it was fine for ages would have had me raging too - he prioritises his mates (or how he appears to them) over you and his kids. He’s a superficial shit and it’s all for show. The fact you said he wants to show off how’s well he’s done for himself when you’ve bought the house is fucking hilarious. Presumably he has some redeeming qualities? Why do you still love him?

Paradisegained · 15/01/2025 07:27

Gatekeeper · 09/01/2025 16:18

...and I would NOT be happy about a load of pissed up 'good time' party blokes running amok in my home

This

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 15/01/2025 07:21

No bloke would be sleeping in my children's beds Shock Absolutely not. Does he really think that's going to happen? I'd be locking their rooms before I left. If I was tolerating this 'boys' party' nonsense in the first place, that is.

Original poster
Yoyoi · 15/01/2025 07:04

I think valentines day is silly to @latetothefisting but still embarrassing that he had to change the date because of the guys were like "of course we can't come on the 14th mate. Doesny your wife mind". He was laughing saying "guess other men need permission hahah"

@fairycakes1234 I do get that. I do the same. It's just that it's DIY stuff that I've been trying to do for so long and he's downplayed (that walls looks fine) and now suddenly he can see it all and wants to fix

Having said all that he's done nothing so far so maybe it's just talk. The house is going to look worse afterwards anyway! All those blokes sleeping in my kids beds 😩

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 15/01/2025 01:02

are you sure he isn't actually a teenage boy?
the whole thing sounds so childish. not only his sarky comments and hero worshipping cooler lads, but 16 of them having a random boys only house party?

it's like something a teenager would do the first time his parents left them alone.
Surely grown men just meet at the pub or go to the footy or something?

I personally think Valentines day is a bit of a con but doesn't he see the irony in him, a married man wanted to spend it with his friends but they (not unreasonably) prioritised plans with their partners?

fairycakes1234 · 14/01/2025 23:58

Not going to lie, I'm v untidy and as soon as I know people are coming over or staying the night I'm up cleaning, shouting orders to everyone to give a hand, at the end I sit down and think why can't my house be like this all the time, my husband has many a time said I love when people come over, we get a clean house, do I take offence, no cause its true, I suppose its all to do with the tone it's delivered in, doesn't mean he's an idiot or red flags or anything like that

DollydaydreamTheThird · 14/01/2025 20:04

Gatekeeper · 09/01/2025 16:17

His comment would have the red mist decending over me...the arrogant, selfish patronising shitehawk

What she said.⬆
I would have gone mental on his arse. If you already have a distinct loathing for men Mumsnet is not recommended reading. It fuels the fire.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 14/01/2025 20:01

Gatekeeper · 09/01/2025 16:17

His comment would have the red mist decending over me...the arrogant, selfish patronising shitehawk

Literally never heard this swear word before.I am disappointed in myself. 🤣

Navyontop · 14/01/2025 19:57

Your partner is a sexist pig, who doesn’t care very much for your family.

Original poster
Yoyoi · 14/01/2025 19:57

JHound · 14/01/2025 18:54

The “Cool Girl” mentality is a trap and mistake that so many women get themselves into.

Show quote history

Too right @JHound

Of course I was more relaxed about our home when it was a rented flat and we had no DC. Now we have a mortgage, 2 young DC, etc and so yeah, I've been trying harder to keep it tidy and fix stuff. I actually didn't mind doing more of the DIY but then for him to say he'll start helping because his mates are coming and he wants the "house to look good"

OP posts:
NameChanges123 · 14/01/2025 19:19

Yoyoi · 09/01/2025 17:26

He hero worships those blokes and it annoys me. He wants to show he's done well for himself (but I actually bought the house!) but they'll all be so pissed they won't care less about the peeling paint! I do everything for moving house project. I will be pleased if he now lifts a finger but I the comments seem so sexist! He has a bit of form for this but it seems more and more explicit and I hate it! I probably have ignored stuff from the past

Edited

He sounds like a twat!

JHound · 14/01/2025 18:55

NoSoupForU · 14/01/2025 18:37

I think that very little positive ever comes from a snarky comment and you should be able to communicate like a grown up instead of point scoring like a 13yr old.

Yes, he's lazy. But personally I wouldn't care what was motivating him if it meant the things that were needing done would be done.

She did not make a snarky comment. She made a simple statement of fact - he value’s his friend’s opinions but than his family’s.

JHound · 14/01/2025 18:54

Yoyoi · 14/01/2025 17:54

He wanted to do the party on Valentines Day and only changed date because none of the blokes could come!

He's so excited. Like a puppy

I just feel like he makes me feel like a nag or a nightmare for saying anything even slightly negative. He just wants me to be "cool" with everything "like I used to be"

The “Cool Girl” mentality is a trap and mistake that so many women get themselves into.

MsReacher2025 · 14/01/2025 18:39

sushibelt · 09/01/2025 17:34

It's a sexist comment that perpetuates stereotypes

Show quote history

Agree - and I'd've reacted. But then I wouldn't talk about a "boys' party" and say it was very much not family friendly, and that the blokes are very much good time people. The assumption being that "boys" are some lesser category of civilization who don't deserve or appreciate nice surroundings.

NoSoupForU · 14/01/2025 18:37

I think that very little positive ever comes from a snarky comment and you should be able to communicate like a grown up instead of point scoring like a 13yr old.

Yes, he's lazy. But personally I wouldn't care what was motivating him if it meant the things that were needing done would be done.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/01/2025 18:32

Yoyoi · 14/01/2025 17:54

He wanted to do the party on Valentines Day and only changed date because none of the blokes could come!

He's so excited. Like a puppy

I just feel like he makes me feel like a nag or a nightmare for saying anything even slightly negative. He just wants me to be "cool" with everything "like I used to be"

But you are 'cool' about it as you are taking your children to stay with your parents for the weekend so that he can party with his mates. He should be grateful.

Would he do the same for you if you wanted to have the house to yourself to party with all your friends?

He sounds really childish and in awe of the 'big boys' who are letting him join their gang.

Harry12345 · 14/01/2025 18:13

Yoyoi · 14/01/2025 17:54

He wanted to do the party on Valentines Day and only changed date because none of the blokes could come!

He's so excited. Like a puppy

I just feel like he makes me feel like a nag or a nightmare for saying anything even slightly negative. He just wants me to be "cool" with everything "like I used to be"

i totally get you, I feel like I need to put up and shut up and not express any feelings at all

Original poster
Yoyoi · 14/01/2025 17:54

He wanted to do the party on Valentines Day and only changed date because none of the blokes could come!

He's so excited. Like a puppy

I just feel like he makes me feel like a nag or a nightmare for saying anything even slightly negative. He just wants me to be "cool" with everything "like I used to be"

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 14/01/2025 16:39

Why do they have to have a party in your house? They’re not 16! I’d be directing them all to the nearest pub…..

JHound · 14/01/2025 16:32

GoneTooFarAgain · 14/01/2025 14:49

Well it's annoying but also why haven't you painted the bannisters if you wanted to peeling paint fixed...? It's not just his job because he's a bloke. You're already in a sexist setup if you're leaving it all to him, so receiving sexist comments isn't that surprising tbh.

I saw the update.

GrantMitchell · 14/01/2025 15:38

stanleypops66 · 14/01/2025 14:35

@GrantMitchell

A big reason I invite people over is so I’m motivated to clean /tidy /garden /do DIY.

Exactly it's certainly fairly typical amongst my friends and family to get stuff done when there are people coming over who don't belong to your household. It just makes you more motivated.

Definitely does. I grew up with mum frantically cleaning etc whenever Gran was coming to visit. In dread of the finger run along the top of the mantlepiece...

Sharptonguedwoman · 14/01/2025 15:30

pikkumyy77 · 09/01/2025 16:28

What a loser comment. I have said “typical man: you are more worried about impressing your arsehole friends than you are taking care of your family. Only a man would neglect his household’s needs and then rush to show off for random friends who could give a fuck.” How d’you like that?, then?

I would love to have the quick wit that could come back with such a comment. Brilliant.

GoneTooFarAgain · 14/01/2025 14:50

Sorry I didn't read the thread - I've seen that you do your fair share of DIY. In that case, yes annoying (but your comment was a little dig so I can see why he'd snap back).

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