DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

You're struggling.
You have health issues .
Your MIL is feeding your child food you don't want them to have and giving too much screen time.

Is your DH useless?
Is he incapable of cooking and freezing healthier microwavable food to send for his own child??
Is he incapable of speaking to his own mother???

Blueswirl · Today 00:05

I don't think you can do much about it as you are getting free childcare, but I definitely agree that it seems unfair.

Unfair????? Pay for childcare then! Resentment over free childcare is not a good look.

I sympathise because we had similar issues. She might regard it as being kind of- giving him treat food and telly he loves.

I would supply the food. They eat so little at that age that even 2 days of nutritionally devoid food is not great.

Let the screen time go. He's not spending enough time with her for it to be an issue.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My mum used to let my children nap all afternoon (on the rare afternoons she looked after them) so she didn't have to play with them, which made it hard for me when they weren't tired at bedtime. Also on the rare occasion when my DH has them on his own he takes them to macdonalds and doesn't do any of the things I have to do every day such as laundry and clearing up the kitchen.

It's frustrating when other people take these shortcuts so you don't have the option for them if you want the children to be healthy and stimulated the rest of the time.

I don't think you can do much about it as you are getting free childcare, but I definitely agree that it seems unfair.

anyOP · Yesterday 23:55

Blueswirl · Yesterday 23:46

They only have junk food once a week in UK schools, the menu is healthy and varied.

unfortunately this is simply not true. It’s like school meals have improved from when I went to school 30 years ago. My son recently started foundation and Thursday is pizza and chips, friday is chicken nuggets or battered fish. Every day there is pudding offered with no nutritional value whatsoever - icecream, jelly, jam buns. Monday to Wednesday is better but even then it’s full of processed meat. Breakfast club also entirely based on high sugar cereals, white toast and Jam and chocolate croissants. Barely any of this a 4 year old needs.

Oh, how I agree. Worked in several top-shelf private schools, huge termly fees, utterly crap food.

unfortunately this is simply not true. It’s like school meals have improved from when I went to school 30 years ago. My son recently started foundation and Thursday is pizza and chips, friday is chicken nuggets or battered fish. Every day there is pudding offered with no nutritional value whatsoever - icecream, jelly, jam buns. Monday to Wednesday is better but even then it’s full of processed meat. Breakfast club also entirely based on high sugar cereals, white toast and Jam and chocolate croissants. Barely any of this a 4 year old needs.

Chilliinitiative · Yesterday 14:59
I am absolutely prepared to offer childcare for my grandchildren in the future and I will absolutely entertain them without screens as much as I can rather than treat them as a default. I would much rather have a giggle with my grandchild over a game and make memories going out somewhere than scroll on my phone whilst they watch TV. And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!
But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else.

Initially, I thought that this was a jest, so ludicrous was it. Then I realised that this person is serious!!

Oh FFS! Smug or what?You do not have the SLIGHTEST IDEA of what it is to retire from FT work at 69-70, and then to turn into some kind of Mrs Doubtfire! I'll bet that you will never have the energy to perform the Granny Perfect role that you state you will undertake. That is, of course, assuming that you are working until that age, and not dependent on a rich/working spouse. Up to 65, working full time as a teacher in a highly academic school, singlehandedly looking after an acre of gardens and orchard I could run and play with the DGC, but now, approaching 75, I'm suddenly old. Other peers experienced the "Old Lady Collapse" years before me. Don't count on being fit and healthy and active into your 60s and 70s. And stop shaming grannies who just cannot manage being a carer in that age.

They only have junk food once a week in UK schools, the menu is healthy and varied.

Pat on the back for having high standards. Well done you . The problem with your above hypothetical paragraph is you have no idea what you’re going to feel or do in the future. You are not a grandparent so have no idea .

I agree with you OP but we live in a very individual society now unfortunately so most won't agree.

@Chilliinitiative

' And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!'

that will be amazing ! esp as you are unable to do this now for your own child every single day of the week.

' These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling '

and

' What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7! '

You have no idea how many ' tricky ' days you may have when you are 61 / caring unoaid for a grandchild - it may be 30 years in the future.

You don't appear to currently batch cook, so what makes you believe you will be doing so in 30 ? years time for a grandchild ?

Well I was that parent who was out and about a lot to baby groups, however when in the house the TV was kind of always on. My kids had some shows they enjoyed. Then they often pottered about playing, crafting etc, and would ignore the TV. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the CBeebies shows for toddlers. They are aimed at toddlers and lots of research has gone into them about the kids of way they are presented and their content. Mine were big Mr Tumble fans. IPlayer wasn’t really a thing 15 years ago but we had plenty of DVDs. They learned a lot from that show. We did bsl signing anyway from birth so that we had a good communication tool and the mr tumble makaton really engaged them and gave them more signs. They also loved lots of the role play shows. Balamory. Can’t quite remember some of them. Zing Zillas was a fave too. My eldest didn’t get on much with cartoons until Peppa pig. That drove me mad but we interspersed with with other things. Youngest loved the wiggles. We had this on dvd as well. I couldn’t sit them down to anything like Wallace and from it and things longer and aimed at older kids. They’d lose interest. My 15 year old still likes the CBeebies pantos and I don’t mind. I was glad when they moved onto more interesting content on cbbc when they were older but it wasn’t toddler age.

My DM was a retired teacher so when she looked after them she kind of went overboard with learning opportunities and had plenty books and games and crafts for them. Cooking as well. But she was also 60 and found it quite exhausting. So the TV did go on. They did eat rubbish at her house. It’s was fine. She took my eldest out a lot to cafes with my aunt and then her grandson as well. But by the time my youngest came along her health had really deteriorated and she didn’t get out as much.

At the moment it’s a bad time of year. Cold, dark, wet. Maybe in the summer the MIL could take your DS out to the park or to toddler sessions etc? You haven’t said whether your DMIL has toys etc at her house. Maybe you need to send over some games or crafts for them to do. Not all had parents know what to do with toddlers. It’s a long time since they had their own children and times have changed a lot.

But o do think yabu about the whole thing as it’s free childcare and only 4 hours. My DM had mine usually longer than that so TV
tome was inevitable.

This! @,pollyglot
Well said. Sense of entitlement with op is unreal

You are being unreasonable and ungrateful. Especially since you just said you didn't want gran to use these option because you want to do it, when you need to make things easier. It's a short time out of the week you are leaving your DS with MIL. If he is otherwise loved and cared for I would just be grateful for a grandmother's care. If it doesn't suit you ,make other arrangements but be prepared to pay and sometimes even provide a packed lunch. His state funded hours likely won't apply until he's 2.

When some one is offering free childcare, you kind of have to go with what they are offering. By all means make a fuss, but you might find the the offer withdrawn.

You & OP are being utterly ungrateful & ridiculous. Cop ON!

My grandparents let me eat all the sweets I wanted, watch tv with any meal that wasn't a full family sit down and generally spoilt me.

I'm fine, I knew I wouldn't get away with controlling the tv or eating 2 chocolate bars at home. Grandparents tend to indulge. I'd not worry when all in all she seems to be pretty great and your DS is happy healthy and loved.

Ps Little Dish - great brand for microwave meals. Perhaps get some for MIL to stash.

Plus anything Julia Donaldson is also my preferred go to TV programme for that age. They generally all last only 30 mins. Suggest those as options.

I’d be very grateful for having help from relatives who are happy to look after their beloved grandchildren for free if I were you! They are invaluable! Also related to said children! Some people have to leave them with fully trained nursery workers who don’t give screen time but not one to one like grandparents for a fortune!! £70 ish a day depending on nursery, just sayin

Wtf? Seriously do you hear yourself? UNGRATEFUL & UTTERLY RIDICULOUS

Well then you realise even the paid childcare doesn’t do everything how you’d ideally like, so you need to adapt and make the best of what you’ve got.

So pay for childcare. Can just imagine the conversations your parents in law have about you !

I am a similar age to your MIL and I get tired !!
mind you I’m still an unpaid carer for a family member and I have a large house to run by myself with no help at all plus pets to care for .
I think I’d be delighted to look after a grandchild regularly but I’d still need for the child to have some downtime watching TV .
I would probably make something simple and healthy for them to eat but it could not be complicated as I’d need to be watching the child , not cooking and taking my eye off them

Get a life and thank your lucky stars for free childcare.

I totally get your anxiety as a mum of a young child. We also have similar values around screen time and quality food. You obviously want to set your little one up with good habits, however it’s easy to get very hung up on this when the reality is that this is unavoidable.
Our sons went to nursery 4 times a week so we were constantly unhappy with the quality of food there and they also use screens at the end of the day when they are tidying up. I also feel that this should be reserved for my time and not time I’m paying for. We now have one at primary school and oh my goodness the food is awful (pizza and chips every week, chicken nuggets every Friday, puddings everyday ).
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that this will continue as your child gets older and it’s unavoidable that they won’t be exposed to it. Children are very good from a young age at understanding that things are different depending on their environments, so despite these challenges in other settings we have continued to offer our usual options at home and they continue to eat them if they choose to. In some ways I try to reassure myself that this is helping to reduce a food hierarchy in their mind and learn to make balanced choices as they grow. That said, I have no idea why as a population we don’t have a better understanding of nutrition and see the link between our diet and the endless health issues we have these days! Your mother in law should know better, especially if she’s clearly not eating that food herself.

however your mother in law is doing you a huge favour with this childcare and so it depends how important it is to you to kick up a fuss. I would either ask your partner to be more direct with his mother - offer to provide some homemade meals that you’ve batch cooked and can be easily reheated or politely ask that baby eats the same food as them. On the TV front, I would be surprised if your child is actively watching more than 30 mins at a time. There are a lot of people in that age group who have the TV permanently on for background noise. My 2.5 year old has 30 mins at the weekend and wouldn’t last just longer than that. You could build up a box of things - arts and crafts, blocks and other activities which you can take to mother in laws to ensure he has other options than TV.