DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

The DH could batch cook them too.

Why don’t you batch cook and freeze healthy meals so when you are struggling you can cook that instead of ‘oven meals’?

Awwww come on it's 8 hours a week all together,you wanna put yourself in my shoes and any other parent that has a autistic child,my son watches Tele all day or he's tabby and won't eat properly,so i think anyone that complains about what you did you have a problem not your mother in-law not you son,you,there's alot of parents out there with children that do that day in day out,but won't openly admit it,I will,my autistic son is the only one out of my five that do do this but still my other kids like to watch tv so why stop them,I'd give anything from my son to come and tell me what he actually wants to watch like yours did,my son's non verbal and can't tell me what he wants,so in all fairness I think you need to ease up,she's not letting him play outside where's it's dangerous she's feeding him she's clearly looking after him well,chill out mum coz there's a lot of parents would love to be in your shoes

Honestly you need to chill. A Grandparent's job isn't really to 'parent' a grandchild, it's to love and care for them which it sounds like your DMIL is doing.

Rather than focusing on what your DMIL isn't doing in the way that you'd like, instead look at what that relationship is giving to your child e.g. evidence shows that children who spend regular time with grandparents develop stronger language skills. Having lots of people who love them in their life is so good for a child's development and self esteem, if your child is safe and cared for, then just let the TV go.

My kids both watched a fair bit of TV when they were toddlers, I often resorted to it! They knew the CBeebies back catalogue pretty well and I feel no shame for using TV to help me cope, probably more than I should have done.
But they've grown up to be intelligent, capable near adults who read a lot and hardly watch TV themselves which I find interesting.
They are a fair bit of crap food too but are now both quite health conscious and enjoy cooking meals from scratch.

Cut yourself and your MIL some slack, life is hard enough without worrying about these things. Your child will be fine. Be grateful that he is developing a lovely close bond with his grandma and relax. It will all be OK x

and pretentious.

You should count yourself bloody lucky. Be careful what you wish for. Do you not have ANY bad habits?

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

This bit is ridiculous. Imagine being resentful of a retired woman. Your MIL has done her time working and being a mum, she's entitled to all the free time she wants. I don't see what you working and preparing food has to do with being a mum. That's your responsibility as a parent, not your MILs as a grandparent.

Our cheat meals are
Scrambled egg on toast and baked beans.
Noodles cooked with chicken stock and peas and sweet corn.
A wrap with tomato puree, cheese in the oven for 10 minutes, that's our cheating pizza.

They are quicker than oven food and without as much guilt.

At his age it's natural for him to become more fussy with food and also to want more TV. I often find the children that have these things so restricted tend to be the ones who crave it more.

We have had to put a lot of restrictions in when it comes to my DM and still she just does what she wants sometimes. But the relationship she has with them doesn't make a dent on what I have with them. No matter how much she spoils them.

You don't sound ungrateful to me, you just want what's best for him and that's a given whether you pay for it or not.

Your child is building a loving bond with their grandparent and building a relationship with them. The benefits that will do to their social and emotional development far outweighs 2 meals of oven food a week and a few hours of TV.

You complain your MIL giving your child oven food means that you then can't give your child oven food if you're exhausted but it isn't your MIL responsibility what your child eats at home. If you're child eats 3 meals a day (21 meals a week) and 2 or 3 of these are oven food, then the majority of their other meals are healthy food I'm assuming.

You can't have it both ways. You can't expect free childcare to suit you then moan because you aren't fully in control or it somehow impacts on your ability to parent. Your child is only with your MIL four hours a week. It's hardly anything I'm the grandscheme of things and you frankly sound ridiculous and unreasonable.

Average TV time for my 2 and 4 year old is about an hour a day in colder months! Occasionally we have a family movie night. In summer we may have none as we go for evening strolls/ the kids can play outside.

Although TV time is uaully the hour before dinner my 2 year old will still ask for TV at random intervals during the day so I don't think it is unusual. He also asks for chocolate, cake and lollies and he definitely doesn't have those daily!

I am a 61 year old fit Grandmother and I look after my grandsons regularly so my daughter can work , and have done since they were babies - at 61 , however fit you are, it is very tiring looking after small children and I am sure your MIL finds some shortcuts helpful - I tend to make a larger portion of certain meals when we are eating them that I know the little ones like ( fish pie, cottage pie, spaghetti Bol etc and freeze the extra in toddler size portions so they are quick and easy to defrost when the boys are here however sometimes I’m not that organised and they get chicken nuggets and chips . They also watch some to but I sit with them with a welcome cup of coffee and chat to them about the programme and what is happening- be grateful for the care and don’t stress about the details . The toddler obviously loves going 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do not fret. Children need to relax. They don't need to be stimulated all the time. If your child is happy when he leaves his grandparents home, then you should be thrilled . You are worrying about something that will not affect him detrimentaly long term. Look at the bigger picture. Free childcare, time spent with important figures in child's life. The alternative is not always better.

It's really easy to say that when you're not in your 60s and have no idea how it feels to be a grandparent.

I love having my little grandkids for occasional childcare, but if be lying I'd I said that I was as proactive and energetic with them as I was with my own children at that age. I need the occasional TV break, even though I'm concerned about screens. I do the occasional craft activity, but not as much as I did with my own. When I take them to the park I want it to be over after a few minutes, because it's tiring running around after them and pushing them on swings.

When mine were the same age I was one of those mums who loved every minute of it all and filled my kids days with activities (sickening, I know!). But now I'm three and a half decades older, and I can't do it. I love my grandkids and love having them, but I have to pace myself.

I am in my 60's and look after my DGS quite frequently for shortish sessions and have done since he was very young. He's now 30 months. I also manage this alongside caring for my severely disabled DH. We always have the TV on in the background and it's surprised me that a lot of the children's TV has a lot of educational quality. DGS doesn't watch it all the time just some things he has taken a liking to. He also plays with the box of toys I've accumulated for him. Once a week him and DD come for tea and sometimes I make a time consuming cooked from scratch meal and sometimes something faster. From what you say he's talking quite well for 20 months so sounds to be progressing alright. The main thing I think is that he is happy to spend time with DGP and they are giving him plenty of love.

I get you op. But I also agree that grandma is the best care after you. Great suggestions from pp to prep food and take with you, which will work. But for a baby - which is what 20 months is - i’d definitely say no TV. No baby needs to be watching a screen. Take loads of activity stuff with you, his favourite toys, and maybe ask her to take him outside for a walk or a play in the garden if he gets bored?

@blueswirl so you're an ungrateful r** too

There is nothing wrong with cbeebies.

It's not for your MIL to "make up" for the times you're struggling and feed home cooked from scratch food because you can't. As someone with a disability myself I don't get sole dibs on the easy short cuts when it comes to my child. If they're OK for me they're OK for everyone else.

You say what you want when you spend time with DS, but have you thought that you need to listen to what he wants. It’s not unreasonable for a child to want TV and an activity that he can enjoy alone. All the activities you describe require engagement and interaction with you. He needs to switch off sometimes and spectate.
I wonder if this issue is to do with your feelings more than his. Do you worry you don’t give enough ‘quality’ time?
Also, prepare for a challenge negotiating play dates and school in general when all his peers will talk about the characters from the TV shows they enjoy.
I used to be anxious I didn’t spend more time doing crafts with my DC, but they have grown up to be far more creative and capable in lots of areas that I didn’t really influence. They’ve done extremely well academically and are articulate adults engaged with the world despite spending many hours viewing TV and consuming a healthy, balanced diet which included home-cooked, from scratch meals and a proportion of ‘oven’ ones.
Maybe put away your prejudices and (misplaced) guilt and enjoy your DC.

hi chilliinitiative
i've found the posts here fascinating. oh how mumsnetters can change their spots! usually they spout grand superiority and advocate impossibly high standards for almost everything, but on this thread it seems that any old rubbish is good enough for your child. and there doesn't seem to be a lot of sympathy either, for a mother who's obviously struggling.
perhaps the most important thing is that i think you are not so much struggling with your mil's behaviour, as with the whole of your life. you sound utterly exhausted. this is something you need to address, and before you decide how to "handle" your mil's methods. your current position is that if you offend your mil you may lose her help and find yourself yet more exhausted. one thing at a time!
meanwhile i'd like to offer sympathy on that score. along with exhaustion you have a mil who has very different ideas of caring for your young son. which is adding to the stress of all the things you can't quite manage yourself but wish you could. you wrote, "I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me". well she simply isn't you! she probably doesn't even want to do things your way. that doesn't help you right now, but i think you'll find a way to reduce the impact of what i might call your mil's sloppy ways but i really hope you won't say anything like that to her! remember, she brought up her son to be the man you fell in love with, so she's probably very happy with things as they are.
so what should you do?
i think you need to work on the principle of improving things one step at a time. first yourself. how can you manage your health issues so that you can be happier with the compromises you need to make for your son? should you see your doctor and ask about possible options for improved treatment/management. are you sleeping properly? forgive me if i'm stating the obvious, but sometimes health issues can be worse than usual, and prevent you from taking the steps you would normally take to maximise your own health.
this thread is riven with advice about batch cooking and freezing meals, or buying healthier versions. i would add trying to simplify recipes where possible. for my own "down days" i have "tricks" to keep things going until i can get back to normal.
i would also suggest looking for other ways to entertain without tv, when you are less able to give input to games etc yourself. perhaps some simple musical instruments that your son can play and entertain himself with his music. perhaps toys that you can watch him play and just make encouraging conversation while you rest.
another question, do you have friends or other family members who could help out a little? not by offering childcare, but perhaps just by occasionally being with you both while you cook and play?
and remember two important things. your son doesn't benefit from you being stressed; and he would probably lose out by not seeing his grandma. so it'll be worth working on compromises that suits you both.
and when it comes to your dh talking to your mil, i'm afraid that "subtle hints" rarely work. it will be better if he discusses properly, explains simply what your goals are and how she can help achieve those, along with asking her how she feels about the current position and what suggestions she might want to make. i think people can generally be more accommodating if they are consulted rather than told.
good luck with everything, and please be kind to yourself.

What I wouldn’t give to have a mother or MIL who looked after our DD twice a month, let alone twice a week. You don’t know how lucky you are! YABU

I have a feeling that OP is going to look back on this post at a later date and cringe.

Pay a baby sitter then …

What's grandad doing during the 2 afternoons, is he around or out?

This time of year it's too cold to go out and in my experience it's bloody painful for some people over 60.

I also think MIL is doing you a huge favour by having little one 2 afternoons per week, she doesn't have to, she might not really want to but she might not want to rock the boat.

I think you're over-analysing what happens at MIL's. It's not easy being 60, that's why the majority of women have children when they're young. Once you hit 40 it's all downhill - everybody is different in how they cope with getting older. Parents in law might resent your younger ages, their babysitting sessions must be exhausting but they're trying to help because you need them to. How would you manage if they said they wanted to visit but didn't really feel upto childcare?

As long as little man is happy that's all that matters. Spend the time MIL has him to concentrate on yourself - surely that's downtime for you, stop winding yourself up about unnecessary things that aren't helping anyone. Honestly some things aren't worth stressing over especially when your health is compromised. Nothing has to be perfect, it can be 'good enough'. xx