DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

Honestly, OP… it sounds like you need to let go a bit. 2 afternoons a week isn’t that much. Chicken nuggets and chips is still food maybe an hour or so of TV isn’t too bad. You just see it all as ‘poison’ which is rather unhealthy…

If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye

So if it was once a week you wouldn't blink an eye, but twice a week and it's a big issue?

If they have your DC for four hours and this includes feeding time then it is unlikely that all four hours is spent in front of the tv, but perhaps other activities could be encouraged. Maybe emphasise that your DC would love to go to the park or play games? Perhaps send over some craft materials or colouring and say you would love to see what they made with grandma and granddad? Do they have Duplo and other suitable toys at home?

On the food thing, it sounds like your comments have been quite passive and based around telling your MIL not to bother cooking something special for her DGC and they will be happy with whatever the grown-ups eat, but this is probably going over her head. She wants to do something special. If this matters to you then you need to be polite but direct. "I do not want my child to be given any processed food. No chips. No chicken nuggets. No fish fingers. No burgers. Thank you."

Alternatively, just be grateful for eight hours of free childcare

Having no help with my children and dh working abroad, they sometimes watched a bit too much telly and sometimes had beige food (with plenty of cucumber sticks etc). All four of them (oldest is 31) are intelligent, healthy, well-balanced responsible adults - well, no 4 is in her final year of university but getting there. Goodness knows what my late mum fed them on occasion but nothing terrible happened. Please don't stress.

She doesn't think she should have to do the mothering, she's hardly going to do grandmothering!

Look at the bigger picture - there are 21 meal occasions in a week plus maybe another 14 snack occasions. You can make sure all of those are healthy, so 2,3 or even 4 nugget meals really isn't a big deal. You could also look at healthy alternatives for those days you need a freezer meal on your turn - those cubes of lentil bolognese are great and if you can pop a tray in the over is putting a pan on a hob much more trouble? Not being glass, I don't know what health condition you are battling. I'm just trying to say that you need to be realistic and not sweat the small stuff.

I wouldn’t want tv on tap and lots of fried foods… but you have the option to use different childcare. Also I think saying you want to be able to do this but she can’t because you feel she should be more energetic than you feels a little demanding. You don’t know what energy levels she has. Ultimately I think you have the right goals but I don’t think you can hold your MIL to a higher standard than yourself on a tough day! Maybe paid care would be better for you as a family?

"MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do".

So, let's get this straight.

You "resent" that your MIL who has retired, doesn't want to spend all afternoon two days a week sitting on the floor engaging in activities, and want to feed your toddler easy food?? Seriously??? When we choose to have a child, we all sign up for "juggling a job, being a mum and sort[ing] food out!!! The baby is yours, not your MIL's!!!

You have a right cheek! I'm the same age and I don't think I could be bothered looking after a toddler for hours on end, although I am not fortunate enough to have retired and still work FT.

You think that you are entitled to the free time that she has worked her whole life for?!!

I have made it plain that I will never be retiring to mind gc, not that I have any, but my retirement will be the only time in life that will be wholly mine and I will be putting myself first!

It's not your MIL's fault you have a health condition and you were the one who chose to have a child, so take responsibility!!

This must be one of the most entitled things I've read, and that's saying something!

Op you definitely have underestimated how tiring and mind numbing it is to entertain and feed a 2 year old when you are 30 odd years older than when you had your own children. Absolutely adore my grandchildren but it is hard work and a big commitment to give up 2 days which is what you effectively have to do if committed to 4hour sessions.
Thankfully my daughter is realistic and doesn’t pile on huge expectations,as long as children are safe and fed that is all that she asks for and is very appreciative.

I have similar issues but the bond they have is great and I wouldn’t want to send to nursery in place of a loving family member.

I send the food I want them to eat. Cook a piece of salmon and a salad and send DC with that for example and either explain the Oven food issue or say your concerned about some food sensitivities.

lOn the TV issue I try and send activities for them to do like puzzles, phonics books, colouring etc… stuff I know DC will sit with. I then expect there is around 2 of TV a day, twice a week. I don’t like it but I make sure DC gets no other TV during the week, so 4 hours total a week which I’ve made my peace with.

You can’t complain or criticise because at the end of the day she is offering childcare in her terms. Manage the issues as above or similar

Is this like that saying of the best parents are the ones who haven't had kids yet?

OP is embracing the adage that the best grandmother's are the ones who haven't had grandkids yet

I wonder if it's your own list of go to foods on a tricky day is too narrow? In the time you can do chicken nuggets and chips you could warm up quiche or put a piece of fish in and have salad or chips and peas. A PP suggested double up when cooking so there is a bolognaise or curry just to heat up.

The TV I would let go. Chasing round after a toddler for four hours would be knackering. They also don't have the attention span for proper games yet.

It's still only 4 out of 21 meals... And only 200 out of over 1092 in a year.

You're going to struggle when class parties come in to play...

Just prep some meals for those difficult days when you are able to, problem solved. Then you know he's only having these meals twice a week....

You have absolutely no idea what you will (or won't) be able to do by the time you're a grandparent.

But kindly, you can’t even do that for your son 100% of the time.

Why on earth are you comparing her to your imaginary version of yourself as a grandparent? I'm sure you're a very different parent to the one you thought you'd be (I know I am) and it's impossible to know how you'll be in another few decades. It's also irrelevant. You have a mother in law who will provide free love and care for 8 hours a week. This involves tv and beige food. Either accept it with grace or make alternative arrangements.

I'm still unclear why mil is bearing more of the brunt of the blame for the impact of your ill health than your child's father. Surely he can batch cook some healthy food you can pop in the microwave?

But again, you have no idea how you'll feel and what you'll be capable of in the future. Especially as, with a DS, his window for having children is longer. It's quite conceivable that he'll have them during a period of your life when you've got the energy and stamina to have oven food and TV snuggles time, but not enough to provide the standard of care you expect of a grandparent now.

As a grandmother you will presumably be chronically ill then too?

This.

Your MIL doesn't "need" to feed him nuggets, but nor do you.

And tbh if you pop a couple of frozen veg on the side of the nuggets and oven chips it's hardly so terrible that it's a problem a few times a week.

Your MIL may only be 61, but most people in their 60s are starting to slow down a bit and looking after a toddler is knackering even when you're in your 30s. Cut her some slack.

Chilliinitiative · Today 15:09

** Yes I know this is part of being a mother. I just think when I have more time I’d help my DIL out a bit by not taking anll the shortcuts for the week. Especially if she was chronically ill

What’s that saying about good intentions?

Youll maybe feel differently in 20 years.

I'd try asking her if she would consider helping you broaden his food horizons by serving him some good quality left overs (then she will probably cook for him) but I'd not worry about tv

Very easy to say op when you aren't in the situation. Not to be rude but it's your choice to have children, not hers. She doesn't have to do you any favours looking after your child and you sound more ungrateful with every post.

Get your DH to batch cook so DS can have healthy reheated food at MILs house and you can all eat it when you are struggling. Why isn't he doing that anyway?

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

I'm sorry but you signed up to have a child, not her.