DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

I am the MIL! I look after my grandchild once a week for a long day. We go to the park or softplay, we do crafts but we also watch kids TV and eat pizza/nuggets. However my son and his wife are very, very grateful. I am 62 and although quite fit and walk a lot/swim I find looking after a small child extremely exhausting. It is totally different from when my own children were small. I think you need to be more appreciative.

Nailed it. Give your head a wobble op!

Maybe she struggles too. Just because she's a fit 60 year old doesn't mean that some things aren't a struggle. Maybe she thinks it's a treat for him to watch TV a couple of times a week.
YABVU. If you don't like what she does with him when she's providing childcare then you'll need to make an alternative arrangement.

You are complaining about her giving chicken nuggets and wanting the option to give chicken nuggets reserved for the times when you are struggling. That's just not on at all. You want her to provide healthy food and wholesome activities with no TV so that you can use the easy options when you aren't feeling well. You have absolutely no idea what it's like to be 60. You are saying you'd do this, that and the other when you're a grandma and only have them for a couple of afternoons. You have no idea what you will be capable of at that age. You might want to help out a struggling DIL but not actually be that capable any more and you're struggling already at your much younger age so you could well end up using the shortcuts too.

The whole thing needs a rethink. If you're not happy with MIL's care then you will have to look for a childminder or other provider who will provide the healthy meals and no TV.
If you're struggling you need to find ways of dealing with this with DH, extra childcare etc.

It never stops being true - if you lend some people a fiver they expect you to iron it.

You really cant blame his request to watch tv on your MIL. Why not get rid of your TV ? At 20 months he won't ask for what he can't see.

Chronic illness or not you do sound ungrateful and definately hypocritical if you want to do this yourself but not want MIL to do the same.

Her state of health in comparison to yours isnt relevant. You are just looking to find faults.

His acceptance of a different foods will change over time too. Again, your MIL is not to blame for that.

We're all miraculous and perfect grandparents when it's hypothetical, OP.

I also have a chronic condition so I'm speaking from a place of experience: you are being very unreasonable.

You can do a large amout to offset your challenging days by making food during good periods and freezing it in individual portions, choosing easy but heathy things like stir fries for your toddler and a million other accomodations the rest of us resort to when juggling health conditions and parenthood.

Ditto keeping small children entertained; DH worked awaty during the week for I had to work this out for myself, and it just takes some ingenuity and lateral thinking. A taxi to places they can have fun while you sit down, like library activity times or soft play; having a friend over alternate weeks in a reciprocal arrangement so they entertain themselves primarily and you get a break every other week; playing games outside where they run and you rest... it's amazing how many things a toddler with run to find or race to if you count the number of seconds aloud.

You have a chronic condition and a child. These are yours to manage. Life is tough some time and we just have to step up. Your inlaws are already helping you very much by providing regular childcare.

The 'cost' of two afternoons of free healthcare is beige oven food and telly. That's OK.

You're being very judgmental for someone that's getting a favour / free childcare. Especially since you admit you need to take these same shortcuts yourself sometimes, so quite hypocritical. Your chronic health issues don't somehow make you more deserving of needing to do TV time and oven food, many parents and grandparents resort to this for many reasons. She's not endangering your child so I would absolutely let it go in this situation or pay for additional nursery if you feel strongly enough about it. We don't allow our toddler to watch anything on the iPad or eat chocolate at home but when my mum is with him I know she shows him stuff on the iPad and gives him chocolate and yes it means he asks for it more as a result of that but whatever, I just say no, deal with the consequences and move on rather than dictating to my mum how to spend time with him.

I was just going to say there's significant nuance in this and a lot of debate in the academic world.

The main issue with screen time is 'opportunity cost' rather than inherently anything bad about the screen itself- that whilst watching TV the child is wasting time that they could be using to develop key skills. In the study you linked about 1 year olds I think most sensible parents would agree that 4 hours a day is a ludicrous amount for a baby and that it's unsurprising that would have an effect on development. One study you've shared combines data from children from 0-18- how helpful is that? Not very. Equally for a teenager who racks up lots of time of screens outside of school it's hardly surprising that on average they would be more likely to be obsessed and have problems with sleep.

Here's the nuance- what does all this data mean for your child in the context of your genetics, socio-economic background and parenting style?

I don't believe for one second that my 3 year old child, with two educated parents in a higher socioeconomic group, who every day has an activity like soft play, farm, forest school, playgroup, is then negatively impacted if we sit and watch Moana together in the afternoon.

There is also the question of the quality of programming and the presence of parents. Watching with a parent and discussing the programme can actually be helpful rather than harmful to their development!
It's again the difference between 2 hours of kids YouTube on a tablet and two hours of cosying up with a family member and watching a Disney film, having a dance and a sing song.

I think screen time can be demonised unfairly and it's just another rod for parents (Mainly mothers) backs who overall are doing their best.

You just don’t seem to be getting it OP.

You are making yourself look a-bit of a prick to be honest and I’m embarrassed for you now.

It’s your child, not your mother in laws. Just pay for childcare instead.

I would repeat others and say do not do or say anything that would risk free childcare from a loving grandparent being taken away.

Resentment is so unreasonable. He is your child, and she is doing you a massive favour, for free.

If you don’t like it, go for formal childcare. Agree with the other PP; batch cook your scratch meals for your tricky days, if you have such an issue with oven food. You can’t tell her not to give it, so that you can give it.

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

Did you and your husband talk about the effect of having a child on your lives? I don't know if your disability has only just been diagnosed but if not, did you not discuss the reality of looking after a child and having a job?
Having a toddler is extremely tiring, as you are finding. I am not sure why you expect someone older to find it easier and more enjoyable.

You will look back at this and laugh in a few years OP.

Relax.

I had a child who wouldn't eat at that age to the extent the hospital told me that ketchup definitely counted as 'vegetable' and if all DD wanted was crisps and chocolate at least they were high calorie and she was swallowing something! I'd have been thrilled if chicken nuggets had even got a look in.

DD is now 5ft 7, slim, healthy and eats actual food - although a rather obscure diet.

On the TV side, you could meet her halfway. I hated CBeebies and programmes that had too much noise and endless topic changes, used to give me migraines, so I bought a load of DVDs - things like Beatrix Potter animations, then Roald Dahl films, 5 Children & It, Narnia, Secret Garden.

DD loved them all and had a phenomenal vocabulary because she was listening to programmes with good language and stories.

You say you wouldn't mind TV once a week, but it's only happening twice a week. You can limit his TV time when he's at home to compensate.
About the 'shortcut' food, could you not plan some easy healthy options for the times when you don't feel up to cooking? Eg, hummus with pitta bread and sliced tomatoes, or a heated up tin of spinach with a softly fried egg on top, or even baked beans on wholemeal toast, with fruit to follow? Then MIL could feed him what she has in and can manage. Though fit, she probably finds caring for a small child more tiring at her age that you would on your better days, and may need to conserve her energy too.

Have you been watching to much motherland
This sounds very much like Julia with her mum .
Remember how that went
Marion stopping doing any childcare at all ...

Hello. I’m sorry, this sounds tricky but I wouldn’t worry too much. My DM did exactly the same thing when my DD was young. She didn’t want me preparing food because she felt I had enough on as was working and from her point of view she did just as she did when I was growing up and I turned out ok! My DD now 11 is healthy and has screen time but does lots of other things too. I think when a relative is looking after your child, you have to give them some space and while what your MIL is doing may not be ideal (and I think most people would agree fresh meals and no tv would be great if possible) its not something that is going to be seriously harmful for your DC. The best thing your DC gets from this arrangement is spending time with their grandma. This doesn’t mean they have to be playing all the time. My DD has a really lovely relationship with my DM as compared to my niece who didn’t have the same set up. Maybe your MIL is not sure where to go out or does not feel confident? Maybe suggest eg DC loves going to x park and it’s a lovely day…
Re your own health, that sounds difficult. If your DH is making meals from scratch then he can cook double the quantity. Or a roast chicken can stretch across a few meals. Things like eggs on toast or jacket potato with something and fruit are pretty healthy meals.
None of us do everything we’d like to with our kids, we can only try our best. Your child is loved and fed.

This!

My kids also watched way too much TV (and way, way more than the OP's child is) and ate freezer food 4 times a week at their grandparents, not to mention a vast amount of cake at their other grandparents when they were little. DD watched so many Disney films on DVD over and over again when she was small that she could have chosen that as her specialist subject on Mastermind by the time she was 9!

I'm pleased to report that they are both fit, healthy, definitely not overweight, and currently both at university.

OP: nothing your MIL is doing is going to be in the slightest bit detrimental. If you're that worried about freezer food, batch cook when you are well enough and freeze it for when you aren't. Job done.

Then save the preprepared home cooked meals you tried sending to MIL that she didn’t use for days when you are struggling. If your DH is preparing several fresh meals a week, it’s no more effort to make an extra portion to freeze. Ask here for no effort healthy food ideas that YOU can serve when you are unwell.

You could also ask here for things to do instead of TV when you need a rest eg doctors or vets where you, the patient, lies on the sofa was one of my favourites or “beauty treatments” or hairdressers 😂

If you want her to do activities with him, it might be helpful to send (non messy) things to do with him or pay for a class or day out. Craft and cooking activities with DGC have cost me a small fortune and it probably takes me more time to come up with the ideas than the activity does 😂 It would probably be cheaper for me to pay for childcare than taking them on a day out! Even “free” things like museums end up costing money for transport, drinks and snacks.

I'd also just be appreciative that she looks after him, feeds him and keeps him entertained... whatever that may look like.

Its not the hill to die on.

If you don’t like it pay a professional. They are doing you a huge favour.
Maybe they are knackered and haven’t got the energy to cook more? Why don’t you send them with food?

Its winter so maybe they don’t want to be running around in the snow and ice.

My niece is two and has learnt so much from having some screen time.

Why would you resent that your MIL has more free time and better health than you? Your child is not your MIL child. My Mum and MIL dont do any childcare for my child! I wish they would but they have done their child rearing and are always too busy apart from the odd babysitting. And i am grateful for that. It feels really entitled that you not only resent someone for having more free time than you, but you actually expect them to give up their free time for free, and quibble about how they do it. You are in great danger of your MIL telling you to bugger off!

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

Hold on, it's your child, not hers. She's done her bit.

She is doing you a massive favour, and it's good for your child to have a relationship with her anyway.

No you cannot say anything because you disagree with her parenting/ babysitting skills! You can give strict instructions to a nanny you employ, not a family member doing you a favour.

You could offer to bring food for your child, to "help out" but as you have already tried, you can't force it.

No, you cannot make any comment on how they spend a couple of hours together! How ridiculous. If you want something different, pay for different childcare.