DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

Good to see you are going to work on being more grateful because you really need to.

No, of course I'm not joking. An hour in the morning over breakfast, an hour in the evening to wind down after a full day at nursery.

You can think it's an insane amount if you want. I'll ask DS and DD whether they think it had any damaging effects when I take them back to their respective unis this weekend.

I don't really understand the moral panic about TV. It's just stories. Good quality advert free children's TV like CBeebies teaches them all kinds of things.

The BMJ link says that high screen tIme is moderately ASSOCIATED WITH other concerning things, not that it CAUSES - there’s a world of difference.

Not used these myself, as my child is older, but friends buy the Annabel Karmel ones from supermarkets - still essentially a ready meal but they look less beige. Might be a good thing to stash in your freezer for when you’re having a tough day x

you are explaining it well, but you are having it completely wrong.

100% of MILs time is easy yes? So? It's irrelevant, that's how it should be.

Stop comparing and look at it the right way: He's at MIL, that means YOU are having an easy time when it's there. Period.

It's great to have ambition and want to be a good mum, that's a lovely attitude, but don't become a martyr. You are unwell, then yes, cut corners. It's pointless to try to be SuperMum. The less stressed you are about it all, the better.

it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way.
what's stopping you? Maybe re-asses your expectations and your ideas of being an ideal mum. Your kid will be happy to potter around and come and get a cuddle with you when he feels like one, he has no idea that's not part of your ideal vision.

The food is easy to solve, look at all the advice above (dad, batch cook, freezer and so on)

I'd take Liz over MP any day of the week.

My ex mil used to have ds1 for 1 day a week and he was probably fed on junk and watched a lot of tv. I never said anything because she was helping out but it did annoy me at the time.

My dc are now 9 and 6 and now we are out of the toddler stages I can fully appreciate my ex mil's perspective. She is the grandparent not the parent and didn't have the same level of knowledge and confidence with him as we did because she wasn't with him all the time. It wasn't as intuitive for her as it was for us. I watched my friend's 2 year old for a couple of hours recently and had to keep reminding myself that she needed watching at all times! And it really hasn't been that long since my children were that age.

It's our responsibility to do the parenting. Grandparents are babysitters. Maybe the reason your mil feeds your child chicken dippers is because she worries about her ability to watch him whilst cooking something more elaborate. Or because she wants to spend quality time with him rather than in the kitchen. Or she knows he will eat it and doesn't have to worry about returning a hungry child to you.

I think you need to take a step back and realise your child is fed, and loved, and played with, and entertained, and he has grandparents that want to be involved in his life.

She's not putting him in harms way, she's just treating him because that's what grandparents do. They've done the parenting bit and now they want to do the fun bonding bit with their grandchildren while they're in the winter of their lives.

If she was not chopping his grapes up or was strapping him in a chair in front of the tv while she goes off to do her own thing then I'd say wow that's neglectful but this really is not a hill to die on.

If you’re not happy with the childcare you are receiving….for free…then find alternative.

I'm not convinced this is really about your mother in law.

You have an image in your mind of how to bring up your child. Due to your disability this is not always possible. I would also like to point out that parents without disabilities are not always the parent they want to be. Most of us set out to be Mary Poppins but have moments of Liz from motherland.

Your child will happier with happy parents. Not everyday will be a good one. Children and adults need downtime. Trust me, although we want to promote a healthy lifestyle, when your child is an adult they will only really remember being happy, loved and safe as a child.

2+ hours a day for a 2 year old? You're joking, right? That's an insane amount. 😳

How about looking at it from your MIL's point of view .....
I have recently retired after bringing up a family and working.my fingers to the bone for years. I was really looking forward to having a well-deserved rest taking up some new hobbies and travelling, with the few precious active years I have left.

Unfortunately all my plans and dreams have been destroyed because I have been asked to look after my grandchild two days a week. I have agreed to make this sacrifice purely because of the deep love I have for my family and especially to help out my DIL who doesn't have the best of health.
However, since this arrangement began, she has done nothing but criticise, undermine and lecture me, AIBU to tell her to sod off and find alternative childcare?

I didn't like the way my MIL looked after my daughter. Lots of TV, lots of treats, rarely went outside. But she is a kind, loving grandmother and a good source of support to me. It's also for a very brief time, they start school before you know it.

Let it go.

I think you are CHOOSING to make life difficult for yourself and in danger of martyring yourself entirely unnecessarily. That's your lookout but please don't make someone else have to martyr themselves too.

OP, unless you are finding that your son is having health or behavioural issues connected to the food/screen time, I think you need to cut both your MIL and yourself some slack.

My DD is the same age as your DS. She has a lot more screen time than what you have described in your post (no tablet, just the TV, and a lot of the time she just likes it on in the background while she plays, she isn’t glued to it constantly) and I would actually be incredibly grateful if she would eat some oven food, and we’re having serious problems getting her to eat anything outside of a handful of foods.

I think with the rise of social media and the mountains of available information (both factual and not so factual) floating around on the web, there is so much pressure on parents these days to do this, don’t do that, etc etc. Unfortunately, Mumsnet is also very guilty of this. If you dare to allow screen time or allow your child a chicken nugget, there will be posters here down your throat, and so once again the pressure to be the ‘perfect parent’ appears.

I realised very quickly with my daughter that so many of these things that I ‘should’ be doing, simply do not work for her. At first, I found myself panicking, stressed all the time, because ‘it says she should have x and shouldn’t have y’, but then I realised that as long as she is healthy, happy, and we have a decent balance, it really, truly doesn’t matter.

2 days a week where your son has a higher than normal amount of screen time and chicken nuggets for dinner is absolutely fine. It’s not going to damage him or affect him in any significant way in the long term. And if you then need a ‘shortcut’ yourself, so it ends up being 3 or 4 days…who cares? It’s all about balance. If one week 4 days of ‘shortcuts’ are needed, just try to make sure that on the other 3, he eats healthy and spends lots of time out and about being active and away from the TV.

My daughter is currently ill and has been all week, so she’s had a lot less active time and a lot more screen time than normal. Do I feel bad about it? No, absolutely not, because I know it’s what she’s needed this week, and when she’s better we’ll be back to going out and about every day, running round the park, toddler classes and soft play. It all balances out. Don’t stress.

I agree with others comments regarding cooking your toddlers food and sending him with. meal for GP to simply reheat - at least granny wouldn't be cooking twice would she?
As for screen time - I hardly think TV falls into the screen time category, that is most referred to as tablets, PC's etc. If he is watching 30 minutes out of a 4 hours visit I dont see that you have much to complain about.
Alternatively, pay a qualified childminder.

Why make your life so difficult?

FWIW, my lovely granny used to plonk me in front of Thundercats with a can of coke for weekends at a time. I've got a PhD now. Just anecdotal but this existential dread of the telly really doesn't make sense to me. If I were your MIL and you started on with all this I'd be pretty stunned by the ingratitude tbh.

I don't think you can dictate how they take care of him when he is in their care. As long as they aren't neglecting him or putting him at risk,which they aren't, then I think you have to let them manage however they see fit. It's tiring taking care of a 20 month old at any age but that triedness does increase as you get older.

I do see where you are coming from though as my sister has a chronic illness and my mum minds her kids 2 days a week. She is slightly younger than your mil but makes sure my nieces get homecooked meals for tea. Their afternoon meals are quick so things like sandwiches, wraps a jacket potato rather than nuggets and chips. This is partly because we had homecooked meals as children, usually leftovers the next day and so it's just the norm to my mum. She also appreciates that when dsis is struggling she will give the kids oven food so tries to avoid it when they are on her time.

I get where you are coming from because I sometimes feel the same about my MIL. But I don't think you can really say or do much as she's not doing anything dangerous. Maybe if there's a particular programme you would like to avoid or sort of food?

Is your MIL the sort to take your son out when its nicer weather? Just wondering if the weather might be a factor at the moment.

I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time. However there are always politics around this as MIL would definitely be offended and would miss her time with DS.

I think you just need to do this, to be honest. She can be as offended as she likes but if she’s sticking him in front of the TV then I wouldn’t entertain the “but I’ll miss our time” argument. It sounds like your husband has brought up the issues this is causing and she has brushed him off, so two more afternoons at nursery it is.