DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

I understand you have a disability and it is hard, and I do get where you are coming from. My DH has a chronic health condition so I understand. I was raised on chicken dippers and unlimited 90's TV/ video games so I totally get the damage of that as well - I don't think it did me much good. In truth, your MIL probably could do a bit better. But will she? Probably not, by the sound of it. So you are in the situation you are in.

At the end of the day, I really don't think this is going to do your son any long term damage. Many kids have childhoods which are 100% crap food and loads of screen time, which isn't ideal, but also not that uncommon. Your son is getting a mostly good diet and spending lots of time away from screens. It's not perfect, but it's not that bad, and it's better than many.

It sounds like your DH is great and you also do everything you can, and your son is certainly getting better than the bare minimum. He is loved and it sounds like all in all you are giving him everything you can, and a good life, with a pretty good balance of healthy food and activities.

All the important bases are covered here, you are doing your best, and although yes perhaps your MIL could do more, he is not going to be harmed.

It's hard to aim for perfection - aim for what you can realistically achieve. You are doing well, OP.

OP how many stay at mum homes have 4 hours of quality time EVERY day with their DC doing crafts, baking, playing games, reading books, going to the park etc? They will be doing chores, cooking, looking after other DC, going shopping. You are asking a lot of your MIL on her days when she is doing you a favour. More than most parents do. She is a babysitter, not an educator.

I do all those things with my DGC but it is exhausting and expensive! Their parents don’t expect it of me though… They do what they can to make my life easier because they are grateful for the help. They take responsibility for making sure their DC have balance in their lives, whether it is screen time or chicken nuggets. That’s their job as parents.

Any toddler who has ever watched TV or eaten chocolate cake (or chicken nuggets) will try their luck at some point and want cartoons and sweets for breakfast every morning 😂 Why do you think being a fussy eater with square eyes comes from your MIL and not your “shortcuts”?

I and other PPs have made plenty of suggestions of how to make your life and MIL’s easier.

Another suggestion… you could tactfully reduce MIL’s childcare to 1 afternoon a week under the excuse of nursery advising it as they start on preschool preparation activities now he is older. She might have more energy for activities if it is only once a week. The benefits of 4 hours bonding with his DGM, even if it involves watching some TV and eating chicken nuggets, will outweigh the negatives.

As a reasonably fit and healthy 60 year old who nonetheless has seen her energy levels plummet since hitting the menopause I heartily agree with this. I am sorry OP, I understand that you have a cronic condition and I know how frustrating that can be but you have to take responsibility for your own decisions and be grateful for the help you are getting. If that help is not to your taste then you will have to rethink those decisions.

When you're well, batch cook so you;ve got something in you can heat up easily for your DS, then you'll know that most of the time, he's getting good quality food.

It's hard to imagine, unless you've been there, how much your energy levels go down as you get older (apart from for a lucky few). At 60, I was fit and well, and working, but I found my dgs absolutely exhausting. I love them dearly, but when they were toddlers, I struggled to cope sometimes. It's the mental as well as the physical stress. I suspect this is one reason why 60 year old humans can't get pregnant. They don't have the stamina for childcare.

They might be the type to get up at 5am!

I think this guilt is your problem not what MIL is doing. She can take shortcuts AND you can take them too. They’re not mutually exclusive.

Well, obviously they didn't NEED to. They enjoyed it. I liked (still like) having the TV on in the background. It's just how we chose to do things. It doesn't seem to have had any ill-effects on my now adult children.

M&S fishcakes are my go to lazy meal. Serve with frozen peas. Everyone loves them.

I'm not that poster... But is it?

Say they have been up at 7.30am, got dressed and breakfasted then gone to playgroup 9.30am-11.30am. Then to cafe for lunch and to the supermarket and post office with mum. Then at home they've come in at 2pm and played with toys and then put shopping away. Mum gets play doh out and they play together for a bit. TV goes on about 3pm and mum sits and has a cup of tea, chats to DC while they watch it- say they watch the gruffalo followed by the gruffalos child. Mum goes to prep tea about 4pm and DC potters about with toys and has Cbeebies on. TV goes off at 4.30pm for tea time and mum and DC eat together at the dinner table. They go back into the living room and put cbeebies back on until 6pm when it's time to go up for bath etc. Dad comes home during this and DC tells them about the day.

The TV has been on for over 2 hours but the child has done lots of developmentally appropriate activities and has lots of loving care, but towards the end of the day they are more tired and getting frustrated with their jigsaws etc.

(That is not a untypical day for my non napping child at the moment!)

@Chilliinitiative I understand that you don't want your child fed chicken nuggets and chips. However, oven food has definite advantages when looking after a toddler as you don't have to stand at the stove whilst also looking after a toddler - it can be left unattended (whereas both the stove, and the toddler, can't). So if you want to change something then I'd suggest you bring oven food that you prefer she cooks instead. Sweet potato fries, a mini fish pie or shepherds pie etc?

"When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her". 🙄🙄. Let me guess...first child?

It doesn’t have to be chicken nuggets on the nights you’re unable to cook though. What about jacket potato with beans or something on, that’s easy to make. Or simply beans on toast. Or sausage and sweet potato chips….bot grwt admittedly but you’re getting some variety. Or why not have a kids ready meal in the fridge, just in case, there’s a range called Little Dish that aren’t horrendous and have veggie in, we keep one in the fridge as an emergency for if we’re late finishing work, it takes less then 2 minutes to cook and I usually do some frozen sweetcorn or peas with it. Or pre-make a few meal that you can quickly heat up if need. There are plenty of quick and easy alternatives to an oven tea.

Are you anticipating not being ‘chronically ill’ when you become a grandparent then?

Unless you are able to spend every hour looking after your child then I think you have to allow for these little differences, it's not all day every day it's 2 short afternoons a week and nothing she is doing will actually be detrimental or harmful to your son.

In fairness, why would kids even need to watch one hour tv in the morning?
You don't need tv to "wind down" either.

My kids didn't watch tv at that age, and didn't miss it - neither did I, and I am the least involved parent 😂

But even nurseries have tv and let kids watch them at some point...

M&S do kids ready meals too.

But you don't even need these, just really easy options like pasta/pesto/sweetcorn or a jacket potato and cheese.

I think OP I would put him in full time childcare so you can have those shortcuts that are so vital to you..
There's no other way around it if she won't feed them your prepared food or cut down on TV.
I found with my toddler what stopped the constant asking for TV was cutting it out completely for a while and then we reintroduced it less often and it stopped that.

And @Crazycatlady79 wait until you hear about the weeks DD spent in a hospital bed - that was 12 hours a day!

I’m also disabled, and I don’t begrudge my parents giving DD fish fingers and alphabites when they look after her, even though I too rely on freezer food. They’re doing me a massive favour. If she’s fed warm and loved, having freezer food several times a week is fine. I send a healthy snack box with fruit and veg in with hoummus and yogurt. She has low UPF breakfasts and so on. I think you need to let it go. her giving freezer food doesn’t mean you can’t. Alternatively I batch cook so I essentially have homemade ready meals. We also do easy teas like homemade baked beans, cheese and tomato pasta with the Jamie Oliver seven veg sauce that I batch, egg and soldiers, and so on. You’ve got this.

Plenty of people leave the TV on in the background.

Agree with this. MIL is probably just giving him something different, and something to look forward to that he doesn't often get at home. My GPs used to do the same for me and I loved it!
Op your son has a loving Granny who wants to spend time with him. She is worth her weight in gold and your son will benefit.
My dc are older now but looking back, many of the parenting rules that I thought were absolutely non negotiable have been completely debunked. By the time op is a granny, everything will be different again