DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

Easy answer is to pay someone to look after your child.

If you have been using these sorts of foods yourself to feed your child (and I don't see an issue with it from time to time so I'm not criticising), then it's likely that your child ASKS for these sorts of food at his grandmothers and it's become something he expects to be part of visiting her now.

It will just cement his good memories of his time with her and won't take away from his memories of his time with you.

Be a little kinder to her, just as you wish people could be a little kinder to you.
Getting older sucks, just as having a chronic illness does and energy levels can really plummet at times.
She probably needs a sit down for half an hour and while they might be watching tv, they might be bonding over her knowing the characters, talking about the show they watch etc..
My son loved Bing at that age and still remembers us snuggling up together to watch it even though he is a teen now.
I remember it too, it was a chance for a nice long cuddle and a laugh as there was usually something amusing in the episode.

While loads of tv isn't good for kids, there is a certain amount that your child will benefit from having some knowledge of when he is at an age to mix more with his own age group.
Being the only kid in the class who has no idea who Mr Tumble is (or whatever show is the one they all know in his year) doesn't help your kids social development either.

If she is spending three and a half hours entertaining him and half an hour sat in front of a completely suitable for children show I just don't see why you can't be glad about the three and a half hours instead of focusing on the one eighth of the time she does things that you'd rather she didn't, but aren't that bad.

OP, I think it's reasonable that you're dissapointed that your DMIL doesn't engage more with your son - watching him watch TV is very hands off.

Can you try to get her on board with cutting out TV altogether for a few weeks, on the basis that he's getting a bit obsessed so you need to work together to redirect him? If she doesn't want to cut TV out, then you can reasonably stop using her for childcare, as she's not co-operating to solve a problem.

Maybe it is too much for her, and she could do the odd afternoon trip to the park.

I think if she agrees to cut the TV you could suck up the oven food - it's not ideal, but it's 2 meals out of 21 a week, so not a huge problem. About your son getting pickier with his food, my DS was the same at 3 - he ate everything up to then, nearly all home cooked from scratch, then started not liking different things, I kept most of them on his plate and he did get better after a year or so.

For the times when you want to make a quick oven dinner yourself, you can get good quality oven food - eg chicken gujons or fish fingers, which have decent ingredients, and serve them with some chopped up veggies. It's as easy as putting poor quality nuggets and wedges in the airfryer, but more nutritious, and less guilt inducing.

I think you're getting a really hard time here. You are lucky to have an MIL who takes your son two afternoons a week, but you don't have to be so grateful that you can't be concerned about how your MIL interacts with him and feeds him.

It's 2 afternoons a week, I would let it go, it's not like he's coming to any harm it's just different parenting approaches.
If you decide this is something you can't put up with you'll need to find alternative childcare.

He's 2, it's entirely normal for a 2 year old to start getting more selective about food and more demanding about what they want to do with their time. You're holding MIL to a higher standard than you hold yourself. I also have a chronic illness. I can't expect everyone who spends time with DD to live up to extremely high standards to compensate for that.

There are 2 yos up and down the country eating chicken nuggets for tea 7 nights a week and watching TV for hours a day, and those are the ones struggling later on. Your 2 yo watching an hour or 2 twice a week and eating oven food even as many as 4 days some weeks is not going to kill him and the chances are he'll be indistinguishable from the 2 yos who ate only organic quinoa and watches only 15 minutes of black and white TV a week by the time he starts school.

YABU. If you don’t like how your MIL cares for your child (for free) then pay for childcare like most others have to.

Why can’t you batch cook the food you want her to feed your DS (when you’re well)?

WHO recommends none for under 2's and a maximum of a hour, but preferably less, screen time (that's all screens) for older (aged 2-4).

I'd let it go, it's twice a week. If not then move him to full time childcare.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The WHO recommends no screen (that includes TV) time at all for children under 2 and there is also evidence that UPFs are really not a good idea, particularly for small children.

Unfortunately, given you have already tried sending food with him, she's obviously got some notion that children should be fed beige crap and is unlikely to change on that score.

Have you asked her to avoid TV when she has him, although if she won't listen to you re the food it's unlikely she would listen to you re the TV,

Basically, your choices are:

1. Have a conversation with her, telling her that you are really uncomfortable with the screen time and UPFs and ask her to change her approach. If she doesn't, you either suck it up or move him to full time childcare and ignore any tantrums from her.
2. Send him to full time childcare, telling her why and ignore any tantrums.
3. Suck up the current situation.

Personally, I would go for number 1, with a move to full time childcare if she didn't change her approach.

"I want my kids to be brought up like I was! by my mum!"

Let it go
Made me think of this

I would look at things I could do for lazy dinners myself when I'm tired and let MIL do what she's doing.

Meals I do when I'm lazy are the below. I seek out the best quality versions of the ingredients I can find.

Jacket potato in the microwave with cheese and tuna.

Fish fingers (good quality ones), peas, potato

Baked beans and toast (tesco organic are non upf so I use these. Sourdough bread).

Sticks of carrot, cucumber, pepper and pitta with houmous and cheese.

Pizza (non upf eg crosta and mollica)

But, gently, OP, that’s your choice. There’s nothing actually stopping you from making 20% of your time easy.

👏👏👏👏

OP says she has provided food she would prefer her DS to eat, but it sits in the fridge "forgotten." MIL is presumably not eating the beige food herself, so there's no reason not to give the food OP provides instead of cooking something special for him, or she could just give him some of whatever regular food she is eating.

Look after your own child if you don't like what your mother is doing. There are worse things than watching tv and she isn't giving him cocaine for lunch.

I grew up in the 70s on loads of junk food and tv, I turned out fine as did most of my generation 🤷🏽‍♀️

yes, it does sound like, at the core of this, is feeling bitter about the fact a 61 year old has better health than them.
and you know what. tough. that's life. my 65 year old mum is much more energetic and physically stronger than me, despite recently having and beating cancer a few years ago. I have a lot of chronic pain and fatigue issues. yes, I'm sad that I know at her age I'm likely to be struggling even more than I am now. but I don't resent her her health. I want her to be fit and healthy for as long as possible.

M&S had a good kid's range when dd was little. The list of ingredients was basically same as I'd make

No parent is perfect. Some days we are better than others, but rest assured they will turn out fine in the end no matter what mistakes you make along the way. You care and that makes you a good mum, but also anxious to get it right.
You absolutely need to cut yourself some slack and allow some lazy days with tv and snacks etc, as long as it's not 247 everything will work out just fine x

Mmmm fish fingers chips and beans yes please.
“oven food” 😀😀😀

There are some super nutritious ready meals for kids now from places like Cook, Little Dish or Deliciously Ella. This might make it easier for you OP rather than you relying on oven food when you need a recharge day yourself.

Absolutely agree with PP pointing out your total lack of empathy for DGM life stage and the fact your expectations of her mimic those of a co-parent with whom you’ve agreed mutual parenting choices.

I’d wind my neck in if I were you or you’ll end up with no free childcare at all and be back on here moaning about how DGM has stepped back 🙄 I’d be MORTIFIED to be so rude about my MIL when she was doing me a favour.

You don't want your unpaid childcare to take any easy options so that you can?

thanks. now I really want fish fingers and beans, and I don't think we have any fish fingers right now.