DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

As long as the parents appreciate that if those wishes make it too difficult, offers will dry up.

I think you will look back on this thread in a few years time and cringe

OP… I mean this so kindly but I think you are overcompensating slightly. Mum guilt is a horrible emotion and I think in trying to give your DS the best possible life and in tandem worrying that your disability will somehow limit the care you can give him so you are redirecting your worry at DGM over something very small.

Yes there are some (neglected) children out there who never see a vegetable and spend their lives being plonked in front of the TV and ignored all day. But there is also a huge number of toddlers/kids who are loved dearly and regularly fed oven food and given a few hours of TV (sometimes even more) and have lovely lives with lovely families. It sounds like your DS falls into the latter category. If you fed him oven food for a whole week he’d be fine. Try and not put so much pressure on yourself to be “perfect”. You are perfect to him. You do not need to “save” up TV and oven food for your off days. Try giving them to him for a week and you’ll see he’s fine. Things ebb and flow. Release a bit of pressure from yourself because you are putting extra stress on yourself and DGM that you really don’t need to.

@Chilliinitiative Sorry to hear about your chronic illness. Just wondering, is this related to anxiety? Only wondering because you worrying about nuggets / TV a couple of times per week when being looked after by granny is possibly slightly overreacting?

Also, don't underestimate her age. Women after menopause can often feel exhausted (speak from experience!) there is a reason people retire past 60! Plus for most people, a couple of nugget meals a week and a bit of TV is perfectly fine. Plus maybe she feels she is providing him with a bit of a 'chilled' environment and grandparents 'spoiling' kids is kind of par for the course, isn't it (within reason)?

I do think people who worry too much about food etc often end up having more colds/illnesses etc than other people.

I put it down to food anxiety. Any anxiety is bad for you - please get over this and move on and be grateful that your DC is having a relationship with his granny who is happy to have him 2 afternoons (more than most) free.

I’m with you, OP. I think if you’re looking after someone else’s child it’s only good manners to respect the parents’ wishes.

I think your MIL is getting the blame a little for things that are totally normal stage for an almost 2 year old. My 9 month old was regularly having very cultured meals but sadly at 4 he's become a lot more particular and it's quite natural for them to favour bland foods that are always the same. Some kids ask for tv all the time. They are just testing boundaries. I definitely did find it harder with just 1 boy on his own because I had to do a lot more entertaining and then towards 2 mine dropped his nap so a wee bit of tv in the afternoon gave him a bit of chillout time.

Also kids really do love time with grandparents, regardless of the task. Mine loved going to lidls with his gran and then watching escape to the country with a cup of tea! Whilst she may be fit and healthy my mum and MIL both say that they are much more tired in their 60s and a full day of on the go child rearing a toddler is too much for them.

Also - with the screen time thing. We had a similar situation with my MIL but I just thought, she’s raised 4 successful adults and has decades more experience in raising children than me, so I’m prepared to concede a few things I’d do differently for free childcare. She was also really receptive to changing the TV to something we wanted him to watch - educational etc - rather than Cocomelon or something similar which we absolutely hate with a passion. I do think it’s a bit different with phones or tables though - if he was sat with an iPad in his hand for the whole 4 hours I can see why you’d be annoyed, but with TV, it can be a lot more interactive.

YABU.

Just be grateful for two afternoon's of freely given in terms of love and finance, childcare from his grannie.

I am afraid if you were my DIL, I'd ask you straight whether you wanted me to look after him or not. If it came with yiur conditions, I'd let you know that I was taking up politics, bridge or getting a little job on those afternoons.

64 and not a grannie yet.

Maybe I should cut myself some slack as well as MIL?

Yes you should! Honestly OP we all want to do the best for our children, but life can be challenging especially when you're juggling work, a chronic illness and being a mum; just because you can't do everything you want it doesn't mean it's causing your child harm. I'd let it go- 30 mins of tv and freezer food is fine.

It’s barely any time in the week. Send him with a packed tea or a Tupperware meal to be heated up if you don’t want her to cook for him.

With food I don’t care as long as you provide whatever it is you want me to feed them and don’t expect me to slave over the stove making a gourmet meal.

Unbelievable! I feel sorry for your MIL. I'd be very happy with the meals she's cooking.

In my opinion you are taking advantage of free child care and moaning about her "babysitting".

Give MIL back her life and find a person qualified to look after your child who will charge you money to deal with your complaints. Take it out of your child allowance money.

A lot of carers use tv to get some calm and respite so absolutely I think that if I am caring for your child out of the kindness of my heart, it’s a bit off for you to tell me I can’t take a break for half an hour. Some kids are relentless and ultra high energy and it really is exhausting caring for them for several hours.

YABVU OP
Abit of TV and a few chicken nuggets and oven chips, sounds lovely.
I r very fortunate that MIL is involved and caring. Don't spoil that

A) I think you are being U given that, as you say, it's free childcare so you can't set the terms. Also at 61 I imagine it's bloody tiring looking after a 2 year old so of course she doesn't want battles, just an easy life and a happy grandchild.

B) I think you are being doubly U for wanting to take these shortcuts and cop-outs yourself when it suits you, but begrudge your PILs the chance to do the same when it suits them. It seems hypocritical. You are basically saying 'I don't want to have to do things the hard way all the time, but I want things done the hard way most of the time, so you should do things the hard way all of the time, so I can have an easier ride.

I find this odd that if you’re not paying you can’t discuss childcare with the volunteer carer? If I was helping out by looking a friends child I would check on do and don’ts and follow them. No tv not a problem, home cooked meals I would ask them to provide if it didn’t fit with my cooking (I cook to different requirements) etc . @TheKeatingFive

This!!!

So you are the only one allowed to give him TV time and oven food? I think you need to give your head a wobble. Its 2 afternoons a week! A bit of TV time with his nanny and a little kids TV when he is there will not damage him. You are lucky that she has him for you. She is doing you a massive favour having him and he probably loves the time he spends with her.

Let it go. If you can't then pay for childcare. Problem solved.

Instead of taking the meals to MIL why not make extra for you to just microwave when you’re having a tough day? So instead of you feeding him chicken nuggets and chips you heat up a healthy meal and he can have the nuggets at grandmas

Not sure if anyone has already suggested this but the Little Dish ready meals are fab - low / no salt and sugar and at least 1/5 a day (the spag Bol and risotto are 2/5). You get them in Asda. You could also supplement with children’s gummy vitamins on days you can’t cook, just to give you peace of mind they’re definitely getting their vitamins. To be honest just be glad you’ve got a 2 year old who will eat what you give them, it’s a constant battle with mine - “oven food” is quite often all he’ll eat! I did a lot of reading into this and was reassured by what I found - the Instagram page Feeding Littles was helpful.

I agree, this isn't better.

Cultivating a lovely, close relationship with his granny is of huge value. Don't throw that away because you can't deal with some chicken nuggets. The food situation is in your control to change anyway. A little reminder to keep the tv in check and job done.

They sound like lovely grandparents, my MIL has never offered to have my DD!

My grandson is likely autistic and a very fussy eater. We are just happy when he eats a meal at this point.

However, if my son or daughter in law asked me to cook him healthier meals or brought something round for him to eat, I would do my best to accommodate it. I feel lucky when I get to spend time with him, it's a blessing so would happily go along with it.

I don't think it really matters though, OP. Your son will be fine.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

Not to sound harsh but you know you’ve got a chronic illness, you choose to have a child it’s no one else’s responsibility other than yours and your DH to juggle anything.
It’s unfair of you to resent your MIL just because you have to do those things and she doesn’t. She has done it all before when bringing her own DS up, why should she have to carry on doing that now she is retired. It’s lovely she wants to help so you either accept it or pay for extra days in nursery

Because presumably if op paid a nursery /childminder she would be paying for her child to be educated/entertained?? So if she doesn't like him watching TV she needs to pay for someone to provide the service.

How would this be better?