Page 16 | DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

Chilliinitiative · 2025-01-09T14:14:41+00:00

Name changed as outing. DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this. The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example. MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly). Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her. I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour. YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet. YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Brinkley22 · 09/01/2025 19:41

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 16:06

@OTannenbaumOTannenbaum and @ThejoyofNC Can I just point out - that as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM. Obviously this is how it should be, as I’m his Mum. My point is, that I spend lots of lots of hours looking after my son with no shortcuts, no screen time, no junk food etc. But especially with a chronic health condition, it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way. But I find that I can’t or I feel very guilty if I do, as those things have already been used by DMIL. So 100% of MILs time is easy. I’d like maybe 20% of my time to be easy. Does that make sense at all? Sorry if I’m not explaining it very well. My disability is a very big factor in this.

When you’ve said “100% of MIL’s time is easy”, I’m wondering if you’re struggling a bit to put yourself in her shoes. I found it effing exhausting looking after my niece and nephew when they were little; honestly more exhausting than looking after my own kids. It’s a different dynamic and your MIL is in a different stage of life.
I hear that it’s tough for you with your condition and i imagine it must be really frustrating and demoralising at times. And mother guilt is REAL!! I feel it.
At the same time, that doesn’t mean that it’s all super easy for your MIL; it’s bloody tiring looking after other people kids!

Lottie6712 · 09/01/2025 19:40

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 15:57

Also - has anyones child asked for the TV on repeatedly? Sometimes he does it as soon as he wakes up it’s his waking words. Should I be concerned about that? He’s been asking all day today no matter what I try and do with him. Hence me posting.

It's helped with mine that we've always had clear rules (e.g., never after dinner for example) and then she doesn't ask because she knows the answer.

pinkyredrose · 09/01/2025 19:39

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 15:09

@JimHalpertsWife Yes I know this is part of being a mother. I just think when I have more time I’d help my DIL out a bit by not taking anll the shortcuts for the week. Especially if she was chronically ill.

You'd help your son's wife in the future would you?

Oakmoke · 09/01/2025 19:37

Pay for a proper nanny or thank her.

Ellaelle · 09/01/2025 19:37

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 14:48

Wow so many replies already!

I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time. However there are always politics around this as MIL would definitely be offended and would miss her time with DS.

I have pre-made and sent food over in the past. She’s put it in the fridge and then ‘forgot’ about it.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

I do think lots of posters haven’t quite grasped the reality of living with a chronic illness. I’m not hypocritical for giving DS TV and easy food. I’m disabled I sometimes have no choice.

I am very grateful for all the money it saves and I’m so glad DS is loved. It’s just frustrating because DS is asking for TV more and more. We have been playing with toys and playing games, doing crafts, reading books and every 10 minutes he’s been asking for the TV. It just makes me sad. His appetite for a range of food has also narrowed lately.

Why do you resent that your mother in law is retired. She's done her graft raising your husband surely? She's helping you guys and enjoying time with her grandbaby, it's not the end of the world if he happens to watch some ceebeebees

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/01/2025 19:36

Brinkley22 · 09/01/2025 19:32

My mum looked after my niece one day a week when she was younger. She used to fall asleep watching ‘In the night garden’ every time! She is now 18, very well adjusted and about to go to uni.
is she happy there? Does she feel safe? Is she well looked after? Do they have fun and laugh a bit? For me, these things are so important and if it’s alongside “paw patrol” and some chicken nuggets, she’ll probably have great memories of her childhood! I’d much rather a chilled loving grandparent who serves chicken nuggets than a stressed out, cross and dismissive one who serves freshly cooked all-organic food!

My 2 year old knows that after In the night garden/the goodnight song and his beaker of milk that it's bedtime. I love CBeebies.

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 09/01/2025 19:34

Overall, gently I think YABU OP. Most 2 year olds can’t pay attention/sit still for TV for more than an hour afaik (my 2 year old certainly can’t- we’ve never made it through a whole film yet), so I doubt he’s watching TV the whole 4 hours. Maybe he needs to take more of his favourite toys over with him? My DS can insist on playing the same pretend game with me for what seems like forever with his toys - sometimes I ask if he wants to watch a bit of TV out of desperation🤣 so I can get something else done!

And the chicken nugget/chips thing - tbh even if he’s having it 3 or 4 times a week (because you need a rest due to disability - I get it as I have similar issues too ) it’s not ideal but it’s really not the end of world. We just have to do the best that we can when we’ve got disabilities - and even if it gets to the point that only 2 of his 3 meals a day are freshly cooked/made, I think he’ll survive 😀. Try not to be so hard on yourself (or your MIL). Will he at least eat any veg or beans with the chicken nuggets and chips? Or could you suggest your MIL gives him a toddlers ready meal instead sometimes that contains some veg as well?

Hugattack · 09/01/2025 19:33

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 16:06

@OTannenbaumOTannenbaum and @ThejoyofNC Can I just point out - that as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM. Obviously this is how it should be, as I’m his Mum. My point is, that I spend lots of lots of hours looking after my son with no shortcuts, no screen time, no junk food etc. But especially with a chronic health condition, it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way. But I find that I can’t or I feel very guilty if I do, as those things have already been used by DMIL. So 100% of MILs time is easy. I’d like maybe 20% of my time to be easy. Does that make sense at all? Sorry if I’m not explaining it very well. My disability is a very big factor in this.

Why do you think 100% of MIL time is easy? She voluntarily looks after someone else’s child. She could be watching her own tv shows or meeting her own friends or doing something for her own self care. That would be easy. Going out of her way to feed an entertain someone else child is not the easy option for her. And why so condescending about tv? Many kids tv shows have clear messages about how to be kind and that other people are important and have feelings too and that your behaviour can impact on their feelings and that you should be grateful when other people go out of their way to help you out. Perhaps you could try watching them some time?

Abracadabra12345 · 09/01/2025 19:32

ThatEllie · 09/01/2025 16:22

I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time. However there are always politics around this as MIL would definitely be offended and would miss her time with DS.

I think you just need to do this, to be honest. She can be as offended as she likes but if she’s sticking him in front of the TV then I wouldn’t entertain the “but I’ll miss our time” argument. It sounds like your husband has brought up the issues this is causing and she has brushed him off, so two more afternoons at nursery it is.

But won't DC miss time with his grandparents? Being in childcare is noisy and intense, so he probably enjoys the change of pace and being with people who love and spoil him

Brinkley22 · 09/01/2025 19:32

My mum looked after my niece one day a week when she was younger. She used to fall asleep watching ‘In the night garden’ every time! She is now 18, very well adjusted and about to go to uni.
is she happy there? Does she feel safe? Is she well looked after? Do they have fun and laugh a bit? For me, these things are so important and if it’s alongside “paw patrol” and some chicken nuggets, she’ll probably have great memories of her childhood! I’d much rather a chilled loving grandparent who serves chicken nuggets than a stressed out, cross and dismissive one who serves freshly cooked all-organic food!

Purpleturtle46 · 09/01/2025 19:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable to wish that your child is entertained without TV and also given healthy food, in an ideal world that would be happening. However there isn't much you can do. It sounds like you have hinted as much as you can but I hasn't been taken on board. Unfortunately if you aren't paying for childcare you can't really say much about it.

Uricon2 · 09/01/2025 19:29

I believe there is an evolutionary reason why 61 year old women (I'm one) don't generally have their own toddlers to look after, unless they're the rare maniac who thinks post menopause IVF is a good idea.

Get/make some prepared meals to send with him and know that a few hours in front of C Beebies is not abusive, it is designed for tots, weird as it is, it is not Reservoir Dogs. I am told I stood transfixed and as unto stone in front of very limited 60s childrens telly (probably Camberwick Green or Bill and Ben) while Mum crammed my arms into a coat so we could go for a health giving walk in the park. We all survived.

wombat15 · 09/01/2025 19:27

TheKeatingFive · 09/01/2025 18:18

There is lots of amazing educational content on CBeebies. I do sometimes wonder about people's expectations 🫠

Yes, I considered a lot of CBeebies quite educational when my children were young.

ShalalaIa · 09/01/2025 19:25

This. Either prepare food to take or Let It Go. Its tiring looking after a toddler, let him watch some tv with granny. How often do YOU sit with him? Or do you park him and do something else? No one will love him like his nanny 😍

soupfiend · 09/01/2025 19:24

WaneyEdge · 09/01/2025 19:22

I absolutely need TV to “wind down”. I really struggle to sleep without watching a bit of TV in bed. There was a survey done a few years ago now, a big % of adults said they liked having TV on, even just in the background, especially if they lived alone. I no longer live alone but did for many years and it was a comfort to hear other voices.

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Me too, I have it on in the background in the say way people have a radio on

Namechangedforgoodreasons · 09/01/2025 19:24

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 16:06

@OTannenbaumOTannenbaum and @ThejoyofNC Can I just point out - that as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM. Obviously this is how it should be, as I’m his Mum. My point is, that I spend lots of lots of hours looking after my son with no shortcuts, no screen time, no junk food etc. But especially with a chronic health condition, it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way. But I find that I can’t or I feel very guilty if I do, as those things have already been used by DMIL. So 100% of MILs time is easy. I’d like maybe 20% of my time to be easy. Does that make sense at all? Sorry if I’m not explaining it very well. My disability is a very big factor in this.

It makes sense, but it is unreasonable. It is you who are making an arbitrary decision about how much "easy" time per week is ok for your DS. You are the one choosing to fix it at a limit that is used up by your MIL.

You could choose to have some easy but nutritionally more sound meals ready to bung in the oven for your son, from extras made when you or your DH cook from scratch and frozen as little portions. You could choose to extend the total number of tv hours allowed per week. A few more hours a week of CBeebies if you feel the need won’t kill him (preferable to YouTube imo as no ads).

LoveHearts69 · 09/01/2025 19:23

I do get why you’re not keen. I’m super strict on screen time, however we don’t have any help at all with our kids and I would really appreciate if we did and so probably wouldn’t feel I could make an issue of it if I’m honest.

Our freezer is full of leftover portions of cooked meals, can you and your partner make extra on your good days so on a bad day you can just reheat those?

With screen time if you do really hate it the best thing to do is probably never have it on at your home (if he’s used to it at your MIL’s that’s a different environment) and eventually then he will stop asking or expecting it. We have tonie boxes instead which are really popular with our kids. Or you could have a basket of special bits that can keep them occupied for longer like playdough or magnatiles that only come out when you’re having a bad day?

soupfiend · 09/01/2025 19:23

Ive read all your posts OP but not the thread.

You are being unreasonable yes

Its irrelevant that you have a disability but relevant that she is providing free childcare. The relationship is far more valuable than chicken nugget free meals

Is your husband unhappy with the child care provided?

WaneyEdge · 09/01/2025 19:22

TooManyChristmasCards · 09/01/2025 16:34

In fairness, why would kids even need to watch one hour tv in the morning?
You don't need tv to "wind down" either.

My kids didn't watch tv at that age, and didn't miss it - neither did I, and I am the least involved parent 😂

But even nurseries have tv and let kids watch them at some point...

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I absolutely need TV to “wind down”. I really struggle to sleep without watching a bit of TV in bed. There was a survey done a few years ago now, a big % of adults said they liked having TV on, even just in the background, especially if they lived alone. I no longer live alone but did for many years and it was a comfort to hear other voices.

timeforachange999 · 09/01/2025 19:17

Gjki · 09/01/2025 16:38

I'm not that poster... But is it?

Say they have been up at 7.30am, got dressed and breakfasted then gone to playgroup 9.30am-11.30am. Then to cafe for lunch and to the supermarket and post office with mum. Then at home they've come in at 2pm and played with toys and then put shopping away. Mum gets play doh out and they play together for a bit. TV goes on about 3pm and mum sits and has a cup of tea, chats to DC while they watch it- say they watch the gruffalo followed by the gruffalos child. Mum goes to prep tea about 4pm and DC potters about with toys and has Cbeebies on. TV goes off at 4.30pm for tea time and mum and DC eat together at the dinner table. They go back into the living room and put cbeebies back on until 6pm when it's time to go up for bath etc. Dad comes home during this and DC tells them about the day.

The TV has been on for over 2 hours but the child has done lots of developmentally appropriate activities and has lots of loving care, but towards the end of the day they are more tired and getting frustrated with their jigsaws etc.

(That is not a untypical day for my non napping child at the moment!)

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How about if they've been up since 5.30 am. Then it would be even more likely that the TV was on for at least 2 hours a day.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/01/2025 19:10

Cailleach1 · 09/01/2025 16:44

I think you may be agonising too much about this. How lovely for your son to have this time with his GM. It is capital in his emotional bank, and will pay dividends throughout his life. Ok, oven chips and chicken nuggets/fishfingers aren’t the most nutritious meals out there. But it is better than a mars bar and a coke with crisps.

Would he take a stir fry with noodles, I wonder? Easiest ‘from scratch’ meal on the planet. Cut up onions, peppers, garlic, tomatoes, protein of choice. Add or omit anything of choice. Fry meat/fish first, then do the veg. Dunk the noodles in simmering water for 3 or 4 minutes.

The air fryer is brilliant for one pot meals. Do the chicken legs/meat first, then add small chopped potatoes to roast, with any veg of choice. This is as quick as putting nuggets and oven chips on, turning them over etc. And it’s real food.

I think the benefits of an interested GM really outweigh any concerns with your ds’s care. He’s a lucky little boy.

@Cailleach1

…or you buy a bag of pre-chopped stir fry veg, open that bag and chuck the contents in a wok.

what’s up with that?

Damsonjam1 · 09/01/2025 19:08

Grandmother here and I'm with you OP. I may bend the parents' rules (no screen time and no cakes, biscuits etc) but only very slightly. I consider it a privilege to look after my dgc (albeit free of charge) and know how quickly they grow up, so small sacrifice to keep to parents rules for a lot of pleasure, and in time happy memories and a closer relationship l.

PounceDown · 09/01/2025 19:08

I don't have any advice for your actual question but also a disabled mum to a young child and we keep some Stocked frozen blocks in the freezer for when I'm not well and my husband is working. It means she can have a relatively healthy meal on her plate in only a few minutes. They do a children's range as well which I think is maybe blander flavours or smoother but ours loves strong flavours so has the adult ones with no issues too.

MMUmum · 09/01/2025 19:05

I don't know ehat it's like now but when DD was little we watched a lot of CBeebies together because it was educational and we interacted with it together. She had a varied diet including cook from scratch and convenience foods if necessary and she turned out fine, has a law degree and is training to be a Solicitor. As someone else has said don't turn down free childcare, especially with someone you are confident with

Celestialwish · 09/01/2025 19:00

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 15:03

The trouble is - if 2 nugget meals aren’t the end of the world. What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7!

There are plenty of quick and easy meals for you to make that aren't nuggets, you know. You could easily make Cheese Quesadillas, mini burgers, pasta, sausage rolls, rice dishes. The list is endless and Its super simple to add vegetables and change meats. You could also buy Quorn nuggets, or hidden vegetable nuggets to make it healthier.

YABU. Enjoy the activities you do with your child and let MIL enjoy what she does.