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AIBU?

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Original poster

DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

839 replies

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 14:14

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

OP posts:
Nessastats · 09/01/2025 20:08

Id bloody love to have free childcare provided by a loving granny 2 days a week.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Malbecfan · 09/01/2025 20:08

OP not RTFT but I mean this kindly.

When DD1 was 18-20 months old, I was heavily pg with DD2. I teach P/T so after working and DD1 being at nursery, I was pretty much done in. Every afternoon we used to watch Countdown together with a drink (and probably a biscuit). One week my DF was staying and watched with us as we had our cuppa/milk and biscuit. DF said "DD1 knows her letters". I was like "what? she's only a baby". DF said "she does, honestly". DD1 was shouting the 1st letter of her name at the TV - like J for Jane (except that's not her name). She knew lots of the letters and all the single digit numbers. She also adored Carol Vorderman.

DD1 is now 25. She's on the home straight of a PhD at Cambridge in a STEM subject. It didn't matter much what she watched - she absorbed everything like a sponge. She went through months of eating pasta and cheese with veg sneaked in, yet she's now running serious distances and is a vegan. What toddlers do and eat doesn't define them or you.

Your DC is spending time with GP. It really doesn't matter what they watch as long as it's not rude or inappropriate. My kids loved Dora the bloody Explorer and knew more Spanish than I did from watching it. Does it bother me? No, It doesn't matter that they are eating nuggets and chips one day per week. At least they are being fed.

I know it's not what you planned, but in the great scheme of things, it's not a big deal. Pick your battles, and this isn't one of them.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/01/2025 20:07

ThatEllie · 09/01/2025 16:22

I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time. However there are always politics around this as MIL would definitely be offended and would miss her time with DS.

I think you just need to do this, to be honest. She can be as offended as she likes but if she’s sticking him in front of the TV then I wouldn’t entertain the “but I’ll miss our time” argument. It sounds like your husband has brought up the issues this is causing and she has brushed him off, so two more afternoons at nursery it is.

I think the OP would be massively biting off her nose to spite her face!!

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 09/01/2025 20:07

ThejoyofNC · 09/01/2025 14:23

So it's alright for him to eat junk when it makes your life easier, but not when it makes life easier for MIL who is doing you a huge favour?

30 minutes of screen time with his granny twice a week is going to do him no harm at all.

You sound ungrateful.

I was just about to say the same thing. Also, until you get there yourself OP, you have no idea how tiring a little one can be at that age. I often used to look after my grandchildren when I was in my mid 40's, and while I did take them out to the park or for a walk or whatever, I still had to put them in front of the TV some times. The older you get, the more tiring young children are I'm afraid. You sound very ungrateful too!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:04

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:03

Whenever anyone bleats “PFB” I always think patronising f…. b….

Show quote history

Sorry mate it was a joke chill out.
I think the phrase you implied was alot nastier!
Edit: and i literally explicity stated it was a joke so no room for misunderstanding.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:04

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 15:49

Out of interest, how much TV do people think is normal for a 2 year old? A hour a day? Maybe I should cut myself some slack as well as MIL?

It's on all day in our house but I monitor the content. No developmental delays or behaviour issues in my two. Please please cut yourself some slack.
I understand life can be really hard- I've been really ill myself and trying to look after kids is exhausting at the best of times never mind when dealing with pain or fatigue! X

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:03

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:01

PFB

You won't be saying all this if you have a second one 😂

Joking aside, yes telly and junk food isn't ideal but it's only for a brief period. I wouldn't worry too much

Whenever anyone bleats “PFB” I always think patronising f…. b….

WhatsitWiggle · 09/01/2025 20:03

@Chilliinitiative look for Little Dish, Annabel Karmal or Cook frozen meals (those are more expensive but fresh and handmade, then frozen - I buy myself for when I'm struggling with mental health and haven't managed to batch cook - the regular portions, not the kid's!).

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:01

Take a meal over for your child when he’s going to grandmas and a box of activities. Or pay for childcare.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:01

PFB

You won't be saying all this if you have a second one 😂

Joking aside, yes telly and junk food isn't ideal but it's only for a brief period. I wouldn't worry too much

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/01/2025 20:00

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 16:06

@OTannenbaumOTannenbaum and @ThejoyofNC Can I just point out - that as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM. Obviously this is how it should be, as I’m his Mum. My point is, that I spend lots of lots of hours looking after my son with no shortcuts, no screen time, no junk food etc. But especially with a chronic health condition, it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way. But I find that I can’t or I feel very guilty if I do, as those things have already been used by DMIL. So 100% of MILs time is easy. I’d like maybe 20% of my time to be easy. Does that make sense at all? Sorry if I’m not explaining it very well. My disability is a very big factor in this.

It's not a competition between you and your MIL! Give the woman a break - she is doing you a huge favour!

You have to find a way that works for you and that may mean relaxing the rigidity of your attitude to accommodate your disability.

buybuysellsell · 09/01/2025 19:59

Oneflightdown · 09/01/2025 14:25

Look at the Royal College of Paediatricians info on screen time, and then stop worrying about that all together.

You are being unreasonable (and somewhat hypocritical) to say that as it's "only" twice a week your MIL should be able to manage without oven food. If it's "only" twice a week, it shouldn't matter. Provide food yourselves if it's a critical issue to you (it wouldn't be for me) or pay for alternative childcare. Those are you options - but trying to control your MIL's choices is not one of them.

Do you have a link for the Royal College stuff please? I have googled but can't find much? I am interested in this topic as my kids definitely get lots of screen time!

Greenllama123 · 09/01/2025 19:59

This is why free family led childcare only works if you have a good and trusting relationship. I have not yet let my in laws look after my child as I know they would not look after them in the way I would like and It would be difficult to say anything if they are helping me out. My own parents look after them regularly but listen to any requests I have (not really any tbh!) and check with me about things like TV time, treat foods etc therefore I know I can have an open and honest conversation about how I'd prefer my child is cared for. I think you either have to send your child with food you want them to have and just suck it up re screen time or find alternative childcare arrangements if you're not happy.

Loub1987 · 09/01/2025 19:58

@Chilliinitiative , I think you need to cut yourself and your MIL a bit of slack. A bit of TV combined with other activities and a stimulating life won’t hurt. my 2 and 5 year old probably have watched way too much. However, I feel because they were allowed it, they are now not really bothered with it. They would rather draw and play with other toys.

In terms of the food, it’s two afternoons a week and grandparents are notorious for wanting to treat their grandkids and that’s lovely. My MIL takes my DD out about once a month and it’s all chips and ice cream (and they have a lovely time!).

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2025 19:57

I think you can't control what mil does annoying as it is.
I used little dish ranges if I was poorly or similar. Also used to freeze down toddler portions of spag bol/curry with rice etc so I could just microwave them

TammyJones · 09/01/2025 19:57

pizzaHeart · 09/01/2025 15:19

I absolutely get you OP and you know, you are not unreasonable, you are absolutely right in your expectations.
Your MIL is not doing this only to help you - as I understand she wants to spend time with her grandchild. And he is not spending quality time with Granny as such as it seems he is spending a big chunk in front of TV.
At this age spending time with Grandma should be about play, walks, various experiences…I’m sure you won’t mind them doing egg and soldiers together, you are not demanding complicated food.
People who don’t understand why you use the shortcuts yourself but object her MIL using them don’t understand that it’s your necessity and it might come to the point when it will restrict your child opportunities so you want them to have as much as possible at this stage with healthy fit Granny who has free time as not working.

A few of my friends have grandkids if a similar age and look for them one or two afternoons or a day in one case. They all try to spend time playing and having fun, cooking them interesting food often together.

Lovely post.
Can't believe half these posts.
If I was asked to look after my grandkids, I'd follow the instructions to the letter.
My grandmother used to look after me a lot.
She'd cooked nutritious food (farming family).
We did all sorts - baking, Scap booking , walks in nature, singing etc loads
Yes we did watch some tv, but back then it was only on for kids for about 2 hours and we did spend 5 full days a week with her.
Gm was a similar age and some what older by the time I got ti secondary.
There was some of the happiest moments of my childhood with her.
If your mil can't follow these simple instructions at this stage , I would be very concern about the future going forward.... is she respectful in other ways.
Doesn't matter what your rules are , you are the mum (and dad has your back )

Nollybolly6 · 09/01/2025 19:56

hazelnutvanillalatte · 09/01/2025 19:50

Buy healthy frozen meals for her to make with him - you can find them in the supermarket. Brands like Kristy's, or the specific ones for kids (name escapes me).

annabel karmel ready meals?

SchoolDilemma17 · 09/01/2025 19:56

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 15:03

The trouble is - if 2 nugget meals aren’t the end of the world. What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7!

Can you batch cook and freeze healthy meals? Not all oven meals are unhealthy, you could chuck some salmon in the oven and give that with peas and carrots.
or precook some healthy pizza dough, freeze it etc

stichguru · 09/01/2025 19:53

Find other childcare if you want and probably pay for it.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 09/01/2025 19:50

Buy healthy frozen meals for her to make with him - you can find them in the supermarket. Brands like Kristy's, or the specific ones for kids (name escapes me).

Twirlywurly2 · 09/01/2025 19:50

She's retired. She deserves a rest and easy life after years of working and bringing up children. You can't compare her life to yours. She's retired and done her bit. She's allowed to take the easy way out.
My DM lets my DD watch TV too, but I don't care really, because she's doing me a massive favour.

MrsMitford3 · 09/01/2025 19:49

But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else

You sound terribly ungrateful and with the statement above a bit of a passive aggressive martyr tbh.

Lucky little boy to get different experiences and lots of ppl who love him. The narrowing of diet might be a phase completely unrelated to the nuggets and chips.
It all goes so quickly-you'd have a happier head space if you let go a little.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/01/2025 19:46

NoCheesesForTheMeeces · 09/01/2025 15:40

This is absurd. Are you actually claiming that reading with a child and dumping them in front of the TV are of equal value to their development?

OP, I have more sympathy than most in this thread. Your MIL shouldn't have agreed to look after your son if she wasn't prepared to attempt to do a decent job of it.

Show quote history

She is minding the child free of charge and keeping him safe. How do you know she isn't doing a "decent job" of it? Presumably she is loving and kind, as well as building a lovely bond. A few chicken nuggets and a bit of Cbeebies is nothing in comparison. I doubt at his age he even sits down to watch it.

Your "sympathy" is entirely misplaced.

I'd fussy eaters grown up to eat most things and one who insisted on watching Barney on repeat now a qualified professional.

Onlyonekenobe · 09/01/2025 19:45

The mother-child relationship is very different from the grandmother-grandchild relationship, and rightly so.

It won't be difficult for a child to understand that what happens at grandma's house doesn't happen at home.

It sounds like you're resentful and disappointed and upset at your MIL that in the 2 afternoons a week she gives you a break from your son, she's not being the mother to your son that you are. She's being his grandmother. She doesn't "owe" you this time, and she shouldn't be a stand-in/replacement mother. She should be his grandma, and SHE gets to decide what that is. If you don't like it, don't send him to her, that's YOUR right.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your disability. It's not your MIL's job to parent your child for you, the way you tell her to, because of it. It would be nice (although I'm sure I'd feel extremely jealous if she did it as well as or better than I did!), but you can't expect it. It's for her to offer, not for you to demand. And she's not awful for choosing to be the grandmother instead. She'd probably be a stand-in mother if you were her daughter, but you're not.

Your DS will be fine for a while with chicken nuggets and CBeebies. It could be a lot worse, and I'm afraid that's the way you'll have to look at things given your circumstances.

Surroundedbyfools · 09/01/2025 19:42

Let it go. I can only assume you only have one child so are coming across a bit precious. If ur doing all these activities with him I’m sure a little bit of tv and nuggets won’t hurt