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AIBU?

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Original poster

DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

839 replies

Chilliinitiative · 09/01/2025 14:14

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

OP posts:
Orangelight23 · 09/01/2025 20:53

2 afternoons a week with a bit of telly and some chicken nuggets is absolutely fine in my opinion. This wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Startrekkeruniverse · 09/01/2025 20:52

ThejoyofNC · 09/01/2025 14:23

So it's alright for him to eat junk when it makes your life easier, but not when it makes life easier for MIL who is doing you a huge favour?

30 minutes of screen time with his granny twice a week is going to do him no harm at all.

You sound ungrateful.

Exactly.

OP you’re being utterly ridiculous.

Especially this bit - “These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling”. Can you actually hear yourself?

Mamaghanouch · 09/01/2025 20:52

Biffbaff · 09/01/2025 14:36

There aren't any studies that show that screen time is bad for kids. It's just snobby. How is sitting and reading a book/going to a play OK but sitting and watching TV the work of the devil?

The vegetative state we get when watching stuff on telly or instant fixes of clickbait act like drugs on the brain with shots of delicious dopamine hits. This is why toddlers and teens go bizirk when suddenly denied the screen and they go cold turkey. This is why it's so easy to binge watch entire series of stuff as adults. We don't yet know the long term impact of all the babies on the bus watching rubbish on their mum's phone or kids gaming as a daily passtime. It's not snobbery. I look at all the California techie parents who draw red lines for their kids to avoid phones and screens; whilst getting us hooked to our screens!

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:52

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:49

It literally means precious first born so of course its only said about new mums, it wouldnt make sense otherwise would it?! But I've only ever known it said in a kind hearted way and never known anyone to be offended by it. If you are, il take that on board. But please don't insult me by saying you weren't implying fucking bitch because if you weren't what were you implying?

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It’s never ever said in a kind hearted way. It’s said as an insult.

Playgroundincident · 09/01/2025 20:51

I don't think that it's okay for you to make your life easier sometimes by giving "oven food" and not allow her to do the same. I think you need to leave off her and either pay for childcare or give them food you've made for hem to warm up.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:50

If you're going to insult me at least type it properly and own it instead of acting like a child and pretending that's not what you meant.

PurpleAxe · 09/01/2025 20:50

Mate, relax.

Chuck the TV in if it makes things a bit easier.

It just doesn't matter in the long run. As long as the oven food and TV are in the mix with other stuff then it will be OK.

If he is safe and loved with his grandparents then leave that alone as well. It will be OK.

I was like you 20 years ago, then I relaxed. He is now at uni, kids a genius, and plays a stupid amount of sport even though he ate oven food and watched TV.

Chill out. It will all be OK.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:49

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:46

Using it against yourself is up to you, but don’t insult other women with it. It’s only ever directed at women who are new mums, and it’s used to patronise and undermine them as mums.

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It literally means precious first born so of course its only said about new mums, it wouldnt make sense otherwise would it?! But I've only ever known it said in a kind hearted way and never known anyone to be offended by it. If you are, il take that on board. But please don't insult me by saying you weren't implying fucking bitch because if you weren't what were you implying?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/01/2025 20:48

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:40

PFB is the ultimate dismissive, patronising and misogynist comment that Mumsnetters use when they deem themselves to be oh-so-experienced and try to talk down to new mums, to put them in their place.

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It's incredibly accurate though....!!!

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:47

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:44

You called me a fucking bitch. Tell me that isn't misogynistic

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No I didn’t…

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:46

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:43

In YOUR OPINION.
How on earth is it misogynistic?
I've used it about myself loads in a good humoured kind of way.
I went through hell with my first and it was my way of making light of it.

Show quote history

Using it against yourself is up to you, but don’t insult other women with it. It’s only ever directed at women who are new mums, and it’s used to patronise and undermine them as mums.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/01/2025 20:46

BrotherViolence · 09/01/2025 20:27

I stand by it, I'm sorry! Obviously it's not everyone by a long shot but when I was growing up most parents fed us kids processed food for tea, as a separate meal from the adults, and loads of juice and snacks all day. This was basically all my aunties and uncles and my friends' parents, as well as my own. Their Millennial/Gen Z kids have then had kids and are comparatively, generally, super uptight about nutrition and kids eating "grown up food", and it's a bit of an adjustment as the norms have shifted a lot. My mum always says that there just wasn't the emphasis on nutrition back then that there is now, at least not in her experience. We ate veg, sure, but the awareness of stuff like UPFs being bad wasn't there at all.

I don't think lots of TV and junky food is great when you only have a kid for two afternoons a week, I don't think that's particularly sanctimonious. However it is very kind too offer free childcare, and I do agree that's the most important thing. And 20 month olds for sure aren't always easy. I do think we current generation of newer parents can be too uptight about stuff like this, myself included, so meeting in the middle seems fair. But I don't think that means abandoning all standards either. Kids that age really shouldn't be watching screens at all, so the implied hours at a time here seems excessive.

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Well I at that age group and I am here to tell you that this is complete nonsense.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:44

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:42

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I don’t think it’s me that’s had a nerve touched judging by your reaction to a suggestion that you were patronising.

Edited

You called me a fucking bitch. Tell me that isn't misogynistic

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/01/2025 20:44

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv · 09/01/2025 20:24

Just reading the responses and wow - never realised so many people would be ok with this!

My PIL are older and we would not consider leaving our toddler with them - but when we visit, I expect the toddler to continue to have a varied diet, and TV only when other kids are watching TV (we do not tend to have screens at home). If this was possible, I would love to be able to leave the toddler with PILs for a few hours, but would not be doing so if he is fed UPF and allowed screentime. Going for a walk or making some scrambled eggs and veg is minimal time and effort and yes, I would expect this of a grandparent.

Probably for the best that you don't leave your kids with their grandparents then.

onwardsupwardsandbeyond · 09/01/2025 20:44

Brinkley22 · 09/01/2025 19:32

My mum looked after my niece one day a week when she was younger. She used to fall asleep watching ‘In the night garden’ every time! She is now 18, very well adjusted and about to go to uni.
is she happy there? Does she feel safe? Is she well looked after? Do they have fun and laugh a bit? For me, these things are so important and if it’s alongside “paw patrol” and some chicken nuggets, she’ll probably have great memories of her childhood! I’d much rather a chilled loving grandparent who serves chicken nuggets than a stressed out, cross and dismissive one who serves freshly cooked all-organic food!

This 100%
Rather someone liberal with love and laughter than a food Nazi.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:43

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:40

PFB is the ultimate dismissive, patronising and misogynist comment that Mumsnetters use when they deem themselves to be oh-so-experienced and try to talk down to new mums, to put them in their place.

Show quote history

In YOUR OPINION.
How on earth is it misogynistic?
I've used it about myself loads in a good humoured kind of way.
I went through hell with my first and it was my way of making light of it.

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:42

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I don’t think it’s me that’s had a nerve touched judging by your reaction to a suggestion that you were patronising.

Topjoe19 · 09/01/2025 20:42

YABU. Don't let a few chicken nuggets & tv come between your DC & grandparent. Honestly you've got a long road ahead...

Gogogo12345 · 09/01/2025 20:41

devilspawn · 09/01/2025 14:42

It's interesting that the Royal College of Paediatricians has a different take on it than all the other leading bodies (World Health Organisation, American Academy of Pediatrics etc) who say that under 2 years old there should be no TV time at all.

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So would that mean a parent can't watch TV while breastfeeding for example. ? And TBH most toddlers I I know don't sit and watch TV for very long at all. Don't generally have a long attention span

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:40

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:37

And I was the worst "PFB" in the history of "PFB"s hence why i was trying to make light of it. No idea why it's touched a nerve with you! I wasn't being mean to the OP

PFB is the ultimate dismissive, patronising and misogynist comment that Mumsnetters use when they deem themselves to be oh-so-experienced and try to talk down to new mums, to put them in their place.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:40

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:38

I don’t think I did?
And besides, you said it’s alright to be rude/ insulting if you say you’re joking, right?

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Well you didn't say you were joking at the time did you? Can you tell me why you find the term PFB so offensive?

stayathomer · 09/01/2025 20:39

As a 45 year old that would struggle with your aged child now that I’m used to older children, I’d say a ‘fit 61 year old’ would definitely find it difficult to keep up with that age group!!!

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/01/2025 20:38

ThejoyofNC · 09/01/2025 14:23

So it's alright for him to eat junk when it makes your life easier, but not when it makes life easier for MIL who is doing you a huge favour?

30 minutes of screen time with his granny twice a week is going to do him no harm at all.

You sound ungrateful.

This
You're getting free childcare and he's getting time with his granny. This isn't a hill to die on. As others have said, send food with him if you're fussy about what he has

ttcat37 · 09/01/2025 20:38

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:32

And calling me a fucking bitch is ok?
You might have starred it out but it's crystal clear what you meant.

Show quote history

I don’t think I did?
And besides, you said it’s alright to be rude/ insulting if you say you’re joking, right?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 20:37

And I was the worst "PFB" in the history of "PFB"s hence why i was trying to make light of it. No idea why it's touched a nerve with you! I wasn't being mean to the OP

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