DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

This isn't at all a dig at you as a working mum - I'm one too - but you're not with him 'every day, all week' - you said you pay for childcare for most of the week and then obviously he has this time with MIL. I think if you actually were with him all day every day you'd have already found you'd have relaxed some of your self-imposed rules.

Just to add to my earlier post, I had very strong views about what I wanted my daughter to eat, drink, play with, and watch when she was very young. I went back to work on a very part time and short term basis so I didn't have to repay my maternity pay and my mum looked after her for two days a week. my mum had done ok bringing me and my brother up, and I trusted her implicitly. I took the view that if she was kind enough to look after my daughter, it was none of my business what she did with her or fed her during those two day. She loved looking after my daughter, and if she hadn't have been prepared to have her then I wouldn't have gone back to work, so she saved me a fortune.

There’s an online brand of freezer food in portions called Stocked, comes in bars so 1 bar would be toddler meal, several would be an adult. My children didn’t like the particular ones I tried but it may be worth a go. Like batch cooking but without doing it yourself.

Hi I just wanted to say I live with chronic illness and I see you. I am much better nowadays (still disabled but a lesser degree) than I used to be but your post took me back to a few years ago when my health was much more limiting.

Whilst I worked very hard on gratitude and I am so thankful to be alive etc, it was simply very hard in ways I wouldn’t have imagined before I got ill. It is incredibly hard to parent every single day in ill health and truly affected so many aspects of our family life, there was no leeway, every day, every week was a juggle to such a high degree, pressures on finance and time and partners / relationships. There were so things i could not do as a mother and it can feel very hard as a parent not to be able to parent in the way you want to. I can hear in your post that desire for someone to help alleviate the situation, your strains, the pressure your family in under, in a way that supports you as parents in your values and desires. I wish you all the best and hope things get easier as your child grows older. My experience has been it has improved in time. I’ll try and think if I have any tips and if I do I’ll message them. I just wanted to say from my experiences I don’t feel you are being unreasonable.

Back when I was in that situation I’d have appreciated others to pick up things in ways I wanted and give me some slack for my bad days. I had to lower my parenting expectations a lot, and that included screen time, food (my son actually refused to eat certain freezer food for years once I was in improved health as he had been fed it so much by others when I was sick).

My children seem ok and part of my healing has been a lot of work on how guilty I feel, but it was the situation that caused the problem, not me (not sure if that makes sense) basically had to be compassionate with myself and others and let things go. I see your perspective and wish you had someone outside your immediate family who was fully supporting you in your desired way, but I can see that isn’t a widely held /reasonable expectation or view from the voting score (I haven’t read the full thread).
My DM ‘got it’ and cooked the children home cooked meals, portioned it out to be heated up and dropped them off every week so they would at least get a couple of nights of home cooking, but that’s because she also shared my value of that type of food for my children. (It was the pandemic so she couldn’t help in other ways) My in laws didn’t get it at all really, what we faced or how to help and we had to drop any expectations of them around grandparenting.

All TV is not created equal. CBeebies generally is good. Have you found kidstv123 on YouTube? My son started school knowing all his letter sounds because of the amount of it he watched while his two parents struggled to juggle everything. And the sound of the music is pleasant to adult ears, not grating like so many other channels. It's gentle, slow-moving images you want. Definitely cut yourself some slack. I would send food with him. Why not tell a white lie and say the health visitor advised the lunchboxes.

What? That a retired granny offering two afternoons of free childcare a week should be held to the same standard as an Ofted'd fee paying provision?

Totally unreasonable.
Some childminders would do similar to this.

Its sad to see that so many people think its ok. I am with you, OP.

'as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM.'

however he also goes to Nursery for ? hours a week ?

as you say:

' I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time.'

I totally get where you’re coming from. I was upset when I realised school would be giving my kids chips, beans, pizza, and chicken nuggets as they were go-to cheat meals when I was struggling. I never give them beans now as I want them to have a much more varied diet overall.
I’ve come to terms that I can’t control what others feed them when it’s free…

I had my granddaughter two days a week for ten hours a day from age 1, then twin boys as well two years later. They are now 16 and 14 and have turned out to be delightful kids, but it was exhausting as I was in my early sixties then. She was quite happy I took a few "shortcuts" although we spent a lot of quality time too, doing crafts, cooking and visiting NT places and local parks, etc. My daughter was very grateful and a big believer in "Grandmas's house/Grandma's rules" The whole family moved in with us seven years ago and we still take them to NT places, New Forest, etc. We have such fun, even though I have osteoporosis and a heart condition. I am a firm believer that they keep me young.

If this is your concern why don’t you just keep a couple of healthy meals in the fridge or freezer which you can just reheat on the days when you have a ‘tricky day’? This seems like such a simple solution.

YABU if you are expecting her to cook for him twice a week. Why aren't you sending "approved" food with him that she can heat up just as easily as nuggets? Yes, she may well cook something for herself and her husband, but she probably doesn't want to eat when a toddler eats and doesn't want to cook twice in a day.

Also, why not send him with jigsaws or craft kits or a train track or whatever you want him to play with that day? Or pay for swimming classes or softplay sessions if you want him out of the house. The weather has been dreadful - the whole world watches too much tv in the winter.

I think you are asking a lot without providing and solutions.

You are obviously trying really hard to do all the right things. Part of doing the right thing is giving everyone, including yourself, a bit of grace.

The developmental benefit of a 3rd carer in his life for 8 hours a week vastly outweighs the chicken nuggets. Having a someone who loves your child that much, makes them feel safe and cherished if you can't be there is priceless.

Meanwhile, the fact that she forgets the home made food sounds like she is not happy being told how to babysit. I'd leave it alone.

The constant interest in tv, the narrowing in tastes, these are part of coming up to 2 years old, welcome!

It will blow your mind, but all the advice is based on averages and statistics.

I have 2 boys. My eldest watched HOURS of TV. Hours. He is also very bright, sociable, and at 19 is in his final year of uni, has a job, a girlfriend, and next year is starting his masters.

My youngest wasn't interested in TV for a long time, probably not until he was 4 or 5.

The pc and ipad are now his only real connection to the outside world. He is autistic, probably has the highest iq of anyone I've ever known (and I work with physicists and doctors), and I'm grateful every day that he can learn and have a life, if 2nd hand, through the screen.

There is only one thing you're doing wrong that you absolutely have to stop now. Do NOT push yourself when it's clearly not sensible. If you have a chronic condition, it will get worse, if gradually. You have to pace yourself, let go of perfect, and give yourself and the others a big clap on the back for the amazing team you are.

I was very ill when my eldest was small, I'm not as unwell now, but I also have a chronic condition that, in my 50s, is starting to impact me daily. You need to start making peace with the idea that you probably won't be that perfect active granny, but you can be that loved and wanted granny.

Uncrease your forehead, drop your shoulders, breathe. You have what you need to make this a very happy family.

Personally I wouldn't look on 4 hours a week spent with grandparents as childcare really. I would consider it quality time with grandparents. And they have their own home and culture there, any of us lucky enough to have had time with our grandparents know that their homes were always different to ours. I don't think your little boy picking up on TV shows is bad per se, and I think you really do have to allow his grandmother to establish her own relationship with him and do things her way when she has him. I would leave her to it, it is very limited in time, only 4 hours, and he's full of it and talking about it because he's having a lovely time with her. So I'd be grateful for that and just let go.

OP if it makes you feel any better my 2 year old called me Mummy Pig today. Parenting fail.

Oky doky

What's funny to me is, as a child raised on deep-fat fried and microwaved foods, oven food was the more time consuming and healthier option. 😅

That is a reach and you know it. But whatever makes you feel better after being called out for patronising a concerned mum.

It genuinely doesn't matter. Really.

It's what you meant though isn't it?

(though I thought you meant fuck buddy 😂)

I beg to differ. To me it encapsulates the anxiety of being a first time Mum and that second time around we tend to be a little bit more chilled out, and to cut ourselves some slack. So in a roundabout way it's encouraging women to basically cut themselves some slack and to try not worry as much. That's what it means to me. I'm sorry if your experience of it is totally different. That's a shame.

You're getting free childcare and seem so ungrateful. Batch cook some food. What's hard about that?

It's not only directed at "new mums" - it'd directed at mums of 1 who are spectacularly uptight in their views about rearing that child.

Most get it firmly squashed when faced with the rearing of a second child!

I don't know why you'd get your knickers in a twist over that!

We all start out with lofty expectations and the "my child never will....." shit and then reality bites!