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AIBU?

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Original poster

Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

285 replies

ThePond · 09/01/2025 13:29

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

OP posts:
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BeAzureAnt · 09/01/2025 14:22

You need a she-shed in the garden.

Starlight1984 · 09/01/2025 14:21

MasterShardlake · 09/01/2025 14:02

on a sofa in the living room

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But it's his room too. Why can't OP go in the living room?

ExtraOnions · 09/01/2025 14:19

What is stopping you from saying something? I’ll say to my husband “I’m going upstairs for half an hour, need some time in my own …please bring me a brew in 30 if you are having one”

cookingthebooks · 09/01/2025 14:19

ThePond · 09/01/2025 13:42

Gosh - that’s a lot of replies fast! The shower is a problem - but it’s not THE problem - bluntly I want to effectively put up a do not disturb notice for my husband on his own bedroom. I don’t feel like that’s a healthy marital stance but I also think I’m getting resentful, which isn’t healthy either.
i just want to be alone a lot more these days.

Honestly OP focus more on what makes you happy and less on what is a ‘healthy marital stance’ your marriage isn’t healthy if you’re not happy, even in you perceive your acting reasonably. FWIW we have a guest room that is really just my room. I sleep in there, shower, keep my stuff and decorated it in my taste. Best thing I ever did. It’s probably not a ‘healthy marital stance’ but it stops me acutely resenting DH so much!

Lionbaby · 09/01/2025 14:19

In the short term can you just disappear for a long bath with a book as PPs have said?
A quick comment to your husband about needing some space and peace for a bit shouldn’t be a big deal. You deserve a break!

SnapdragonToadflax · 09/01/2025 14:19

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 13:43

YABU. Married life isn't about shutting yourself off alone without saying anything, that's weird. Shower over the bath, quick fix.

It definitely is if you want to stay married to me 😂

OP, I have a potting shed. I appreciate that wouldn't be everyone's preference and it doesn't solve the getting changed problem, but I can hide myself away in there and no-one bothers me. It has lights and I don't mind being cold. On summer mornings it's utter bliss.

ghostofadog · 09/01/2025 14:18

What's your downstairs layout like? Any way of carving out a bit of space somewhere? I have a small desk and chair in the utility room so I hang out in there if I need to escape. Dog comes with me but dogs are OK 😀. I also go to bed later than everyone else so I can be alone. Luckily DH is a morning person and I'm a night owl. Teenagers sometimes get kicked out of living room when I need space, they've got a room each so not a hardship.

mrsm43s · 09/01/2025 14:18

Honestly, if my DH tried to ban me from our shared bedroom or put up DND signs, it would be a real sign to me that there were deep issues in our marriage tbh.

Surely children having a bedroom each and parents sharing a bedroom is the standard set up for families up and down the country? I don't think your DH putting a desk and chair in the loft to work from means that you are entitled to kick him out of you shared bedroom (and presumably you are welcome to use the loft room outside of working hours, it's just that you choose not to).

magicstar1 · 09/01/2025 14:16

Is there room in the office for a comfy chair? Then you could take yourself up there, and have some time alone with a good book or just a chill out. I know you said you hate ladders, but maybe you could put a sturdier one in, and you'd get used to it in no time.

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 14:15

ruethewhirl · 09/01/2025 14:13

So people should never need space or solitude once they get married and have kids??

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Not what I said. Walking off saying nothing is what I said. Shutting yourself off alone is fine. Saying nothing before doing that isn't. However, as OP has pointed out she didn't say she wants to walk off without saying anything.

LassoOfTruth · 09/01/2025 14:14

YANBU - this is why I knit sitting alone in my car. Sometimes I can get away with hiding in there for 20 minutes! Bliss

Miepmiep · 09/01/2025 14:14

It doesn’t sound like his office is much of a chill out space. Why don’t you just explain how you feel in the same way you have written and implement a “do not disturb” sign for both of you to use the bedroom for me time?

Electric showers don’t cost much, could you add one to the family bathroom?

Is a proper loft conversion out of the question?

Original poster
ThePond · 09/01/2025 14:13

To be fair on him this is a relatively recent thing and he has no idea because I’ve not broached it yet. But I can feel myself getting irritated with him - last night he came in - I was writing a letter, and left the door open when he left, which isn’t at all unusual. I genuinely don’t think he thinks anything of it - if I’m wearing clothes he will just walk out again. If I’m actually in bed or undressed or something of course he’d shut it. He’s not horrible to me. He’s not clocked yet that I’m not just in the bedroom, it’s that I’m trying to be on my own. And to be fair I’ve not yet told him.

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 09/01/2025 14:13

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 13:43

YABU. Married life isn't about shutting yourself off alone without saying anything, that's weird. Shower over the bath, quick fix.

So people should never need space or solitude once they get married and have kids??

TheRoundaboutHadLovelyFlowers · 09/01/2025 14:11

Could you agree a code word with your DH so you just have to say that and go? I just point to the ceiling in the direction of the bath and DH nods, and that is our sign that I am off to spend an hour in the bath. It's the same thing as you are looking for.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 09/01/2025 14:11

I totally understand - I would just love a private bathroom with a cabinet for my stuff and my stuff alone.
So I can have a bath without someone having a poo next to me and I can find my face cream....

redskyatnight · 09/01/2025 14:09

I'm in a similar position OP.

I think the problem is exacerbated by the fact that your DH wfh as he will probably be more wanting time with you to make up for lack of socialisation at work. And some of this will coincide with you feeling you want space for yourself.

My life got better once DH's work mandated they had to be in for 50% of the time. I realise that's probably not something you can enforce, but could you encourage DH to work out the house say, once a week, or to meet up with friends after work so you have some space/time then?

Wildwalksinjanuary · 09/01/2025 14:09

I second the lock and a sign on your bedroom door for now, he needs to stop barging in.

useitorlose · 09/01/2025 14:09

I get it - DH works from home and I don't, and it often felt like he had a space that I didn't. I study and occasionally I'll work from home, and I do dressmaking, and I need space. We have a set up you would love - since I have to get up and leave the house but he doesn't, and I am up at 5am, I use the spare room as my study, sewing room, chill out space etc, and it has an ensuite so I get ready there in the mornings and he can sleep on without me crashing around and turning lights on. I will miss it when it's time to downsize.

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 14:08

Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 14:06

It seemed a bit weird to focus on OP walking somewhere without speaking.

Agreed that the door thing is a dick move by him.

And phone use with loud noise or bright glare is not fine. If he is doing this.

Edited
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Not really interested in derailing a thread for no good reason. Enjoy your day.

DarkForces · 09/01/2025 14:08

Could you put a comfy chair in the attic and use that when dh finishes work for the day on the understanding you're dnd during this time?

Wildwalksinjanuary · 09/01/2025 14:08

Most won’t tell you this but after a certain age all of my friends moved into their own bedroom for this very reason. I know it’s not possible for you but the craving for quiet space is natural at this age.

I have taken a day off to have a quiet day today, I am burnt out. Decades of child rearing, working and family demands take a toll.

I would have a place in the garden with blinds and a lock. That is heated and spend my life reading books and painting. You deserve your own down time and peace.

MyDeftDuck · 09/01/2025 14:07

Put a lock on your bedroom door - encourage the family to knock and ask if it is ok to use the shower and do encourage shorter showers which will save water and energy.
This is probably the only way your family can be educated to respect others peoples privacy and to accept boundaries.
As for your OH - try speaking to him.........your menopausal journey is his journey too.

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 14:06

JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 14:04

At no point has the OP said her husband walks out of their bedroom leaving the door open.

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Quote from OP....

if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open

ManchesterLu · 09/01/2025 14:06

Firstly, get a shower installed in the main bathroom.
Then, agree on some quiet time for yourself. And yes, that can include a do not disturb sign if you want one. So long as DP gets some quiet time too, I don't see an issue with doing this. I like my alone time, so I send DP to play video games in an evening sometimes. It's no hardship for him lol but it really does strengthen us as a couple!