Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

I could have written this OP. My kids have their own bedrooms, their private space decorated in their choice with their stuff.

DH has the study because he worked FT and I worked PT. Now we both work PT but he has the study still because it's been his for years now.

I have no space that is just mine. Nowhere my specific things that I can retreat to. I have half the master bedroom but DH is messy and leaves his crap absolutely everywhere and the kids are constantly in and out.

I just want a sanctuary!

YANBU.

Fortunately, we have enough rooms for everyone to have their own space. I quite often close myself in a room with a bottle of wine and watch what I want, whilst DH is in another and the kids are gaming in their rooms.

Everyone needs time alone now and then. Close the door and hang a keep out sign off the handle... joking, not joking.

TOTALLY get this. My MH has massively improved since I got my “own” office at home where I can leave stuff (not just work related stuff) out and it doesn’t get touched / annoy others.
is there anyway you can carve out a nice space for yourself, even a cosy little shed?

In your shoes I would get a shower over the bath, remove tv from your bedroom - communal viewing can be done downstairs, if you want to watch TV in bed you do it on a tablet - and invest in a “Please Do Not Disturb” sign. Explain the sign to your DH before using. If he’s decent he will get it.

Is this your forever home @ThePond ?

If it is, I'd do everything in my power to reconfigure the layout so that it works for everyone in the family and not simply the majority of people.

If that means that you get a shower installed over the bath, then do that. At least that will curtail anyone walking in claiming they need to have a shower in the en suite.
Then I would try to work out the layout so that you can have a craft room (or snug or similar), enough for books, a sofa and a decent floor lamp with some electrical points so that you can plug in a laptop or television or whatever. Is there anywhere that this space could be found downstairs? Anywhere that you could set up a small room to become your study and you have a door to it? If there isn't space yet, you say you have a handkerchief of a back garden, could you use any of the space there and get it built on to the house (subject to planning permission).

The alternative would be to get a sign that you can hang outside your bedroom door saying Mum needs to be left alone for the next 1-2 hours.

I'm guessing that if it comes down to cost, your DH will go for the latter and not bat an eyelid about it and your marriage will be just fine!

If your

Isn’t he letting out the heat every time he leaves the door open?

We try to limit the heating to just mornings and evenings and really rely on closed doors to retain heat.

This would drive me nuts- I think agree with your husband after a certain time if he wants to watch stuff etc he needs to go downstairs or to his loft room. The kids can go to their rooms. We have two sitting rooms and a spare bedroom and my introversion still sees me hiding in my bed sometimes.

I like my car for this reason. Its my own space. Sometimes when I get home I park up and sit there listening to music or whatever is on Radio 4. If my husband and the kids notice I am back, they come out onto the drive and look at me quizzically.

Is your garden big enough for a summerhouse? They come in all sizes. I got an enormous one on Ebay for 1K and put insulation and wall panels in
I've moved since but it was the best thing ever, I had a woodburner, electricity and a reclining armchair. It got me through the menopause without killing anyone. 😂

I'm in the process of designing a space for myself under the stairs.
Nice wallpaper, rug and coffee table with a comfy chair, cushions and a pretty lamp. I'm going to hang voile across it to give me a visual barrier so that when I want alone time, I can read a book in peace. Would something like that work?

Just chiming in to say that I understand the need for some personal space, OP. I sometimes feel the same way in our house, I’d also love to have an office or woman cave to have some alone time in.

Re the shower you don't have to put up with them spending hours in there. We've always knocked on the door saying enough now. You're the one paying for it.

Im baffled that you can't just say. I'm going upstairs for a lie down, bit of peace. In our family young and parents do this.

You need to get out more.

No, she doesn’t need to get out more, she says she feels stressed and needs some space on her own at home at times.

Can you get a good garden room installed??

Woman cave in back garden can be made from a potting shed which has a nice big widow. Insulate it and then put board over the insulation. Lay down carpet. Get a small heater. They warm up quickly. They get a padlock!

Scratch that, pp have mentioned a do not disturb sign which would work without having to tell them you want to be alone 🙂

I think it's a feeling more than anything and its natural, but in reality no one has their privacy. The kids and husband have their rooms, but anyone in the household could knock on or walk in on each other at anytime, the same as they do to OP in her room.
I'd have a shower put in over the bath and a door closing mechanism (like on a fire door) fitted on the bedroom door so it closed after hubby went out of it, but but can't solve the issue of wanting to have space without physically asking for it.

I'd get rid of the bedroom TV, as long as DH would be able to use the one downstairs (and it's not always commandeered by kids, for example). I refuse to have a bedroom TV, despite DH wanting one, because we have 2 TVs downstairs already and one of them is almost always free.

My actual solution may not be helpful - but just to let you know you are not the only one. I got an allotment. It was great when I needed it - about 10 years. I could just pop up there. Sometimes I just went up and had a tea out of a thermos.

The kids have grown up, we've moved to a house that has room for us to have our own space and a garden now. So we can have a bit of chill alone time as needed.

I don't think it's unreasonable to sit down with your DH and saying that you are struggling with a lack of privacy and personal space. I doubt it's unusual in any house where kids are now teens and taking up all usable communal space until you go to bed before them. He's sort of part of the problem but he's also trying to find a quiet space too sometimes.

Funds permitting there are options -
If no-one takes baths, rip out the bath and put in a decent size shower cubicle and probably more storage and the usual stuff that helps manage mess and clutter with teens.
Can you afford to redo the loft - is there space to put in a proper stairs. If it was an office come sitting room would that work better?
Could the downstairs layout be changed? Is there a garage mostly full of stuff like kids bikes which are not used any more? Some friends had a huge clear out split their garage and converted half of it to a little office.
When does the first child go to uni? That might help?
Is there an opportunity to relocate and buy a bigger house? No one planned for full time WFH when they purchased a home prior to the pandemic.
Do you work? Is it worth changing jobs/getting one to be out of the house a bit more [mind you other people are still damn irritating]

Last solution - book yourself a night away once a quarter. DH optional.

Ps. Get a showered fitted in family bathroom x

As you say op, it's a you issue. Things have changed! The peri/menopause can be brutal to your mind. You need to have a chat with all your family and explain. Get them clued up on the changes you are going through.
Your dh probably does not have a clue what's happening to you. If he's as lovely as you say he is then he could be great source of support to you, if only he knew how you were feeling.
Communication is key here.
I hope it's just a little solitary time you need and not a want to shut yourself away more often than not.
If it's the latter, please see your GP as you may need some extra help.
🫂 n x 💐

I am so with you OP on just having an overriding need to just have one small space you can absolutely call your own.
I came to realise over the last few years that everyone in the family had a space that was basically their own except me. (DH & 2 children).
It is affecting me quite badly but will change in the future due to changes in the house.
I'm not sure what to suggest - sensible to get a shower in the bathroom and maybe a do not disturb sign for your bedroom door. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just having some withdraw time that you know won't be disturbed.
I presume there is no way of children sharing a room or dividing a room at all to create a little space just for you?
It is perfectly healthy and natural to need your own space - not a reflection at all on the state of your marriage.

@Starlight1984 as long as DH has somewhere else to go and isn't being shut out in the cold, and it has been discussed beforehand, and it isn't happening 24/7, don't see the problem with it.