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AIBU?

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Original poster

Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

285 replies

ThePond · 09/01/2025 13:29

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
LookItsMeAgain · 09/01/2025 16:25

Based on the floor plan, am I to understand that the extent of your back garden area/yard would be if you were able to draw a line extending to the right of the galley kitchen and towards the downstairs bathroom? Is that it? Do you use that space for anything, do you sit out in it in the summer?

If you don't use it for anything (except for the bins) I'd seriously consider extending the house to use it. You paid for it, you might as well use it.
If you got planning permission, you could extend out that distance on the ground floor and upper floor and you could install an upstairs bathroom (rather than just have the downstairs bathroom) and the space it would release downstairs could be made into a lovely snug for you.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 09/01/2025 16:17

Is that a big cupboard with a window downstairs? Could it be repurposed as your personal den? Or are you after something bigger?

If so, what about installing folding doors across the open plan bit to close it back off when you want to?

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2025 16:13

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 09/01/2025 16:09

go in the living room or kitchen
also , very unreasonable. You have only 2 kids and 3 bedrooms and additional room in the loft. Not many people have this

Yes this is true. I thought when the title said 'everyone has a room except me' it was going to be about someone in a 2 bed flat sleeping on a bed settee in the living room so the 3 kids had bedfooms.

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2025 16:10

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2025 16:05

There’s also a real introvert v extrovert thing on this thread. Extroverts aren’t going to get it.

I'm not so sure. We all want and need solitude from time to time. The practicalities of living with others mean this isn't easy. The op has said she hasn’t broached this with anyone. I think it is entirely possible and reasonable to just tell spouses, kids whatever that you're watching tv and want a bit of peace.

AsmallabodeIsallweWant · 09/01/2025 16:09

go in the living room or kitchen
also , very unreasonable. You have only 2 kids and 3 bedrooms and additional room in the loft. Not many people have this

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2025 16:05

There’s also a real introvert v extrovert thing on this thread. Extroverts aren’t going to get it.

LivingInaBuiltSite · 09/01/2025 16:04

I have actually had this conversation with my DH. He has a home office, kids all have their rooms. I’m the only one without their own space. It drives me nuts sometimes.

My DH recognises that sometimes when I’m watching tv in the open plan living room, I actually am having some me time and he goes off to his office to potter.

Just wanted to say that it’s not just you.

ruethewhirl · 09/01/2025 16:03

HeeleighWay · 09/01/2025 14:15

Not what I said. Walking off saying nothing is what I said. Shutting yourself off alone is fine. Saying nothing before doing that isn't. However, as OP has pointed out she didn't say she wants to walk off without saying anything.

Show quote history

So... what if a person doesn't happen to have anything to say at a given moment? Are they supposed to say 'I'm going now' just to have something to say? Seems a bit redundant.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2025 16:03

I can really understand this OP. I’m now a single parent following a divorce (also lived with exh before marriage). I couldn’t go back now to not having my own bedroom and my own space. I’m like a dog who needs a retreat!

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2025 16:02

ThePond · 09/01/2025 15:58

I adore my husband and we do everything together. I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself well enough for that to come across. I’m mainly worried about this situation because I don’t enjoy feeling irritated with him. He’s a lovely, kind man.

Show quote history

Ah right well that's good! It's hard living in close quarters at times, you just have to plan your me time and communicate it.

So 'hey guys I'm watching a film this evening so please anyone who wants showers etc get of sorted now I want peace from 7 til 10pm'.
Just tell them.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 09/01/2025 16:01

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2025 15:51

Sorry but I don't think it is the ensuite, the teens, the disturbances when you want any me time that is the problem. You just don't seem to like your dh.

So rather than trying to think how to politely keep him out why don't you try to spend more tome together and see if you can learn to enjoy his company again.
So, watch tv together. Chill together?

Oh what bollocks.

Everyone needs time alone occasionally, no matter how much they love their partner. Solitude is good for the soul.

Original poster
ThePond · 09/01/2025 15:58

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2025 15:51

Sorry but I don't think it is the ensuite, the teens, the disturbances when you want any me time that is the problem. You just don't seem to like your dh.

So rather than trying to think how to politely keep him out why don't you try to spend more tome together and see if you can learn to enjoy his company again.
So, watch tv together. Chill together?

I adore my husband and we do everything together. I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself well enough for that to come across. I’m mainly worried about this situation because I don’t enjoy feeling irritated with him. He’s a lovely, kind man.

OP posts:
Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 15:54

Sheneversaidthat · 09/01/2025 15:43

I have also felt this irritation, and forgive me but I haven’t read everyone’s responses, have you looked into HRT?
it definitely helped me not want to poke my husband in the eye.

It must be the hysterical womb 🙄

WoolySnail · 09/01/2025 15:52

@ThePond I understand what you mean much better since your recent posts. No solutions for you, but glad you could vent on mumsnet and maybe someone can use your floor plan and come up with some ideas for you ❤️

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2025 15:51

Sorry but I don't think it is the ensuite, the teens, the disturbances when you want any me time that is the problem. You just don't seem to like your dh.

So rather than trying to think how to politely keep him out why don't you try to spend more tome together and see if you can learn to enjoy his company again.
So, watch tv together. Chill together?

Original poster
ThePond · 09/01/2025 15:47

pandarific · 09/01/2025 15:40

Can you draw us a floor plan please? I bet there is something that can be done.

This isn’t our house but it’s a previously identical one in our street. Ours is open plan downstairs
but the galley kitchen remains.

Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.
OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 09/01/2025 15:45

ThePond · 09/01/2025 15:26

I’m not sure how relevant it is but his den thing isn’t just a cubicle that he works in anymore. It’s full of instruments and boys toys and he actively likes to be up there when he doesn’t strictly need to be. So I know he gets it, up to a point.
To be clear, I’m never denied any time alone and everyone gets along just fine. I’ve just recently come to want a haven like everyone else here has. And as this is currently impossible it’s unreasonable. Our bedroom is pleasant enough but he’s got piles of books and papers and bits and bobs on his side, and has every right to - it’s his bedroom. It’s not messy, it’s neatly organised, but it’s hardly feng shui. I’ve got stuff on my side too - cook books and odds and ends that I clear out sometimes. If I suddenly started advocating minimalism in our bedroom I’d actually be asking for something he a) never saw coming and b) something he’d struggle with. As I say, it’s not untidy, but everyone treats our bedroom as a second living room. Until very recently all four of us would sit in there to watch films or Friday night telly and it was lovely. The kids have withdrawn a bit as they’ve got older but they still like to watch 8 out of 10 cats or whatever with us every so often. I don’t think there is a solution without magicking another room because I’m not craving down time by myself - that’s freely available, but my own tiny bit of territory I think.

You need to to do two things.

A. Sort out a shower for above the bath, and
B. Talk to your husband.

If he has no idea that you have an issue, he can't help solve the issue.

We have a similar situation in our house. DD has her own room, I have the "office" because I work from home and also game on my computer, play the piano etc, and it has various geeky posters etc in there that I like and DP doesn't. DP has the bedroom.

I get a quarter of a wardrobe and a bedside table in there, and she graciously let's me sleep in it ;) , but it's very much her space. It's full of her stuff, it's decorated to her tastes, and it's where she escapes to if she wants some space.

And yes, really it's "ours", but if the doors shut I always knock gently, and if I get a bugger off or no response then I leave her to it. I don't feel rejected or annoyed or anything like that because I get that people need peace and quiet sometimes.

Admittedly she's always had occasional debilitating migraines, so maybe the letting her have her space has come from that, and had that not been an issue we'd have had an actual conversation about it.

But right now, you need to have the conversation, because you've built up an issue in your head that may not even be an issue. Have the conversation, and go from there.

JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 15:44

How old are the kids?

Sheneversaidthat · 09/01/2025 15:43

I have also felt this irritation, and forgive me but I haven’t read everyone’s responses, have you looked into HRT?
it definitely helped me not want to poke my husband in the eye.

Original poster
ThePond · 09/01/2025 15:42

My house is a 3 bed semi ex local authority, reasonable size double, slightly stingy double, box room. Open plan ground floor. Two tiny gardens. Loft full of crossing structural beams apart from one bit in the centre that’s now an odd box structure - looks quite alien 🙂 not enough landing space for a loft conversion - we had loads of architects round and they all said it wasn’t feasible. Ho hum. I guess I just have to stop moaning. Maybe buy a camper van.

OP posts:
pandarific · 09/01/2025 15:40

Can you draw us a floor plan please? I bet there is something that can be done.

Jingleballs2 · 09/01/2025 15:38

I don't know but I feel your pain! I Like to relax sometimes, watch tv in peace, maybe fall asleep and have a nap.. everyone is in and out the room all the time for something, sets the dog off jumping round every time, leaving doors wide open so the noise comes in, or closing them completely so the dog suddenly decided he wants out.. drives me insane. I had thought of a garden hide out myself to be fair, but don't really want to spend the money 🫣

AlltheClocks · 09/01/2025 15:37

Starlight1984 · 09/01/2025 13:56

I love the posters who have suggested her sleeping on the landing or going out in the garden (when it's in the minus temperatures across most of the country) 😂

As others have said, shower above bath in the main bathroom. But tbh it sounds more like it's your husband you are frustrated with.

I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open.

No you're right, you can't. If you genuinely can't handle your husband coming into his own bedroom when you're in there then you need to take yourself out. Gym, coffee shop, walk, kids bedroom (if they're out), kitchen... You can't dominate a (shared) room and be angry that he dares to walk in to it.

He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed

And......? How else is he meant to watch TV? Curled up in a ball in the corner of the room?

Why can’t he watch TV downstairs or in his man cave? The only time I watch TV in bed is if I’m ill and watching on my iPad. We don’t have any TV’s in the bedrooms.

I feel for you OP. I hate feeling cooped up with no privacy and find hotel bedrooms quite restrictive for that reason.

We moved out of a city to somewhere very rural so that we could afford a much bigger house and garden and I highly recommend it. We all have our own hobby rooms inc. the teenager which is handy as he plays bass guitar with a loud amplifier. Nearest neighbour is about half a mile away. Our bedrooms are just for sleeping in.

rainbowstardrops · 09/01/2025 15:35

I think you need to install a shower in the main bathroom and DH could make his loft space more appealing, so that he can go there if he wants to but the main thing here is communication!
He doesn't even know you're irritated that he comes into the bedroom, so how does he know not to do that?!
You don't need an elaborate flounce off to the bedroom, just a quiet, 'Just going upstairs for a bit of quiet. See you in a bit'.