Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

The kids could also bucket "shower" if you can't get one installed. We did that for years until I was 18 and we moved properties. Was all I ever knew and did the job and leas water wastage.

I completely get where you are coming from & peri menopausal too. Time alone keeps me sane but can be challenging & you want to do it naturally without any issue-as at the time you need it the last thing you want is any further issues trying to get it. Try bringing it up when together and explain that recently you have felt the need for this. I find thinking of yourself as another person helps as then you don’t feel as guilty discussing it. Some people need the gym, a holiday, to buy something new, to smoke, have a drink or see a friend and sometimes we need some time alone and may need this more at certain times of life. A “bath” can sometimes work with the locked door and taking some reading in there. We all need to respect reasonable human needs including our own, and sometimes it takes a little discussion and effort to get there.

If everyone is in their own rooms then the lounge is free..? And surely during the day kids are at school DH is working or maybe you go out to work 5 days, sorry if missed that. That’s where I get my space, or if kids are on holidays I get out for a walk with a podcast between showers 🌦️

Perimenopause is a rough time for all of us, but your description of what is happening in your own home doesn’t seem to be due to that.
i wouldn’t definitively lay down some house rules about respecting a closed door. I would also put in a shower over the bathtub and get some sort of device which limits the time on use.
Perhaps your husband can watch tv in the living room? I guess that situation depends on the time he wants to watch it.
If this is the way you’ve always done things it will be hard to put change into place. Lock the door when you’re changing.
good luck!

Hi @ThePond - I’m not married so difficult for me to fully comment but I do remember the anger and frustration of the perimenopause - it comes from no where!. It’s not your fault and it’s not your husband’s fault.

In addition to the many practical suggestions on this thread - I think it’s important that you look at how you’re looking after yourself and that your husband understands how you’re feeling. When you and your husband have some time, and aren’t tense, can you explain how menopause is making you feel and how this anger is frothing up and how angry you feel with him at times. 18 months after my last period I literally thought I might kill someone!!… if I’d had to share a room not sure how I would have coped!!!
HRT helped me, exercise, meditation etc. I’m much more patient and calm now. Can you explain this to your husband? Perhaps a visit to GP too?
and then try and implement some of the great ideas on here but with his full understanding and appreciation of why you’re doing them.

Although you said that the architect took a dim view of a windowless bathroom, think again. It would be a shower room and it may shorten the period of time your DC spend there. Moreover, I know plenty of people who live in flat that have windowless showers.

That doesn't sound very private!!

I think part of the issue is that when children are small they, by necessity, need to be near you all the time and generally, although not always, it is the mother who is the go to person. Always there, always willing to pick them up, dust them off. When you are younger you have all the oxytocin to power you through this. With menopause the levels decrease. Not only that but it is at a time where teenagers tend to withdraw slightly into their own space. Your dh perhaps always withdrew slightly but with the unpredictable teenage rages he withdraws even more. You are left with a less active role at times so sometimes you are on the sofa alone as they have all retreated. Other times they are all on top of you expecting you to be the same as you always have been.

They may feel a little offended at first because they have been used to having mum on demand. They probably don't even realise the luxury they all have of having a space to escape to. I would start with Dh and having an extra TV in his den.

'think you need to create some rules around your bedroom space'

Yes. It is absolutely fine and normal to want private time, space and peace. In the absence of extensions, sheds, understairs cupboard conversions we just need fo communicate our requests. 'Have your showers before 7 as I'm then watching a film/listening to music and do not want disturbing'. It's what parents up and down the country do.

I think you need to create some rules around your bedroom space.

• Perhaps in the first instance, remove the television and say to your husband if he wants to watch television for long period. He could be downstairs or in his den.
• Say you want the bedroom as a place of quiet and that when you are in it and the door is shut could he knock in the first instance and not just barge in, and leave quietly closing the door nicely
• Similarly, you need to explain these rules to the teenagers as well as give them specific times they can use the shower room, otherwise they must use the bath, and also give them limits on their showers given the intrusion into your quiet space.
• Would they all tolerate you sitting down around the family Table and you nicely explain explaining to them how you’re feeling at the moment and the changes you propose?
• Could the second bathroom have a showerhead fitted?

You need a summerhouse! There are often free/cheap ones on marketplace if you have transport.
I have a tiny one, painted it and decked it out with goodies and plants, just how I like it.
I spend loads of time there just chilling, reading, having quiet time.

This is the type of thing I'm suggesting (sincere apologies to all architects out there - this isn't as easy a thing to draw as I thought)

So downstairs gets extended from the existing kitchen wall all the way outside across the width of the property. Your new kitchen space will encompass the footprint of the old downstairs WC/Bathroom. You install partition walls between the new kitchen and what will become your craft space/den. The living and dining rooms remain as is.

Upstairs, the master bedroom remains as is.
As you're extending at the back, the second bedroom now moves to be over the downstairs craft space and Bed 3 moves over the new kitchen. That leaves you with space at the top of the stairs which could house the bathroom or you could use space over the dining room as the new family bathroom. You could also switch Bedroom 3 with the new space that has been made by moving Bedroom 2 further back and then where I have shown Bed 3 in the image would be the new bathroom (with window) and you would have an electric over the bath shower (or you could have a smaller bath and a shower cubicle - depending on space).
I've also indicated that you could have a hotpress/storage area at the top of the stairs.

All of this though would depend on planning permission and how much you could afford to do and it is a very vague drawing by someone who has zero knowledge of plumbing or electrics/gas lines. But it does show that if you look at the floor plan of your house as a blank canvas, you really could do anything you want with the house you have.

Or you could move to a bigger home - that's always an option, maybe???

I think you'd be surprised how much difference keeping the teens out will make as a start, by putting the shower above the bath as many have said. Your bedroom probably feels like an open house and you're focusing on your husband because he's there the most, but cut the access down to you two as step one.

Why don't you book yourself into a cheap hotel every now and then to just have a glass or wine and read some magazines and a night's sleep on your own. I know a few friends who ask for hotel vouchers as their birthday or Christmas presents....the gift of time and space. Even just a Travelodge etc....works a treat for feel refreshed .

That's why I won't buy and open plan house. I love the versatility of a dining room being whatever room you need most. Would you want to put that wall back in?

Get one of those fire door things that shits the door automatically. That way when husband leaves it open it will just shut itself. Maybe consider some floor to ceiling built in storage to hide the clutter? I've got a wall of Kallax units that hold sooo much but look so tidy as it's all hidden in smart boxes. There is even a hack where people use kallax to divide a room. You could section off a corner of the bedroom or living room to hide in.

You could look into a better loft ladder so you can hide up there when husband not using it. I once had one that was like a mini staircase that folded down nothing like a ladder but fit in a normal loft hatch opening. It was very steep though.

How old are your teens? Maybe you don't have long until one of them is off at uni or moved out so you can use their empty room for some space.

Ultimately I think you should talk to your husband. Phrase it all about how you feel and make sure you say you love him. Don't let him feel rejected.

Could you put the walls back in downstairs soits not open plan anymore?

I love sharing with DH and struggle to sleep without him, however recently he has begun to snore and the spare bed is winking at me 😆

We've discussed this.. love my husband to bits but hate sharing me sleeping space!

Does it have to be a room with a closing door. Can you take a corner of the living room or dining room? Get a chaise and a screen. Have a talk with your family that when you put the screen in front of the chaise, it is your time to decompress and recharge.

I understand what you mean about sometimes needing somewhere you can be alone. I’m also perimenopausal and I find that I need more time to myself than I did before. I work in a profession that requires a lot of interaction with people. I also have a lot of talkative teenagers and a very talkative DH. I love them all more than life, but sometimes I need a bit of time to myself.

We don’t have any spare rooms in our current house. Everyone is also sharing bedrooms, but they are pretty good sized bedrooms. I’ve created spaces for each of us to retreat to when we need alone time. My space is a chaise in the corner. Everyone knows that when I go there, usually for about 20-30 minutes a few times a week, that I am decompressing and they leave me alone.

I hear you OP. Before we separated, I would get so annoyed at H commandeering not only the tiny third bedroom (only one child) but also taking over the lounge all weekend. At one point we were considering converting the garage, and he declared it would be his music room. I pointed out if it was his room, I wouldn't be putting my money into the building of it.

I'm suggesting getting rid of the downstairs bathroom and if you build a two storey extension (so ground floor and upstairs) what is now the back of the house would be reconfigured to have the bedrooms and a family bathroom upstairs and you would still be able to utilise the drains and possibly have the bathroom with windows too - just takes a bit of imagination. I'll try to draw it later and upload what I'm suggesting as I'm on my way out for dinner this evening

Also, plenty of houses have windowless bathrooms but they do have excellent extractor fans!

I had this exact conversation with DH recently. I said I wanted even just a cupboard to sit in alone, I find sharing my personal space to be excruciating at times. I now tell dh I need some time alone so has the chance to take anything he might need from his room and gives me an hour. I then lock the door, he is fine with it and understands it's important for me.

I recently banned my kids from using the en suite, they have their bathroom with a shower over the bath and they were told they could grow up move out buy a house and then they can have an ensuite!! They protested a bit but it's worked out fine.

I still would rather a room to myself but it's the best I can do.

Do you have two living rooms?
I don’t, live alone is that the answer, maybe?

OP, it is perfectly reasonable to have a calm chat with husband first then kids.
Decide first what works for you.
Showers during the week, baths at weekends.
No showers after 8pm.
Tell husband how you feel that you are feeling the lack of down time and space.

Any good decent adult man should be able to understand this.

This is about basic consideration for you, just asking for a bit of space and privacy.

My husband will sometimes say that he is going up for a snooze.
I have done likewise.
Its a bit of time out in a busy home.

How about you have a safe word that the family know you are taking time out.

In our house, my bedroom door means I'm having time out.
Unless they are on fire, they know to let me be.

You need to do likewise.
Mind yourself.

Now the adult DCs have their own homes I have the third bedroom as initially my office but, now retired, it’s my crafts room. I also had a summerhouse built last summer so I actually have two spaces that are generally all mine. I absolutely get where the OP is coming from.In my case it’s saved my sanity.

I feel your pain. I did up a downstairs room to be "my" room and it was commandeered by DS2 for tv.

Did up the kitchen and added a sofa now everyone joins me in there!! I need my own space!!!!