Worrying not heard from husband

I used to work with someone who had to regularly check in with his wife. Telling her he'd got to work OK, checking in every hour or so, telling her when he was leaving. She was severely agoraphobic and wasn't just scared of leaving the house herself, but was terrified of anyone leaving the house.

I could tell it was exhausting for him, but she just refused to get any help or acknowledge that her behaviour was out of the ordinarily.

Well done for acknowledging that your feelings are out of the ordinarily and that you need some help.

Best of luck OP (bloody peri hormones are fuckers aren't they??)

I don't think you are crazy. I am always baffled by the amount of people on here who never contact their husbands ever.
Glad you got in touch with him 💜

On the face of it, this seems ok to do, but I think it would increase OP's anxiety and need for reassurance for her to have another avenue for contact.

I would suggest cold turkey on the WhatsApp and calls during the day, it only increases the anxiety levels and both of you need to be able to work without this going on in the background.

God there's some really shitty responses on here.

She’s posted on Aibu - people are responding that yes she IBU. No one has called her names (as she is doing in response) but are pointing out that’s she acting in a damaging and hysterical manner which she needs help for.

Don’t ask people a question on AIBU and then get angry and defensive when you’re told “yes, you are”.

OP, you've had some real dickheads pile on, don't take it to heart.

Glad you have gotten to the bottom of it and can relax now.

Good luck with the GP

God there's some really shitty responses on here.

OP I have a friend who is usually a little anxious in nature but perimenopause has made it rocket. She told me a similar scenario to yours and could not focus at work at all, becoming teary until she could get hold of the person eventually. It sounds wild to people who don't have these issues but sitting listening to her describe what she's feeling - and she, like you, knew it was irrational - was awful, she didn't choose to sit there spiralling and people being horribly judgemental is not going to help anyone.

I would recommend you speak to your GP about your symptoms, you are not too young for HRT if you are peri. I really hope you manage to bring some peace back to your mind.

Have a look at the book ‘Needing to Know for Sure’ by Martin Seif. There are a few chapters that could be helpful OP. I use the book to help with health anxiety but feel like it’s relevant to what you’re facing.

More of an issue with the brother thinking you knew, though as well as hospital not contacting NOK. Either way, as insensitive as it may sound, learning about it 6 hours earlier would have made very little difference. Of course shit happens, I am not suggesting it doesn't. But spending your life checking in with your significant other multiple times a day or tracking them on 360 is not going to prevent accidents from happening. What it is going to do, though, is create unnecessary anxiety.

OP you are being quite defensive to some posters. There may be several reasons why you are catastrophising - bad previous experiences or losses, under too much stress, feeling things are out of control, feeling excessive sense if responsibility. Look at your current stressors and past stressors, try any daily activities which help eg mindfulness in. Stirs, daily walk. Try psychological approach ' check the facts' ( eg only a couple if hours had elapsed most people don't even check their phone in that time) and trusting all will be well. Reassuring yourself and self soothing.

Tip for you OP: You clearly have issues and need help for them, you have posted in AIBU for some reason which probably wasn’t a good idea and are responding to posters telling you YABU with personal insults and getting yourself wound up even more.

AIBU probably isn’t the right place for you - try the MH board.

Get on with your work. Your husband will be fine.

OP is in AIBU. On paper yes it IS unreasonable to worry to the extent of catastrophising and getting a stomach ache about an adult who has not been in contact for a couple of hours.

It might be understandable in OP's case because she's clearly still suffering from terrible anxiety - which is what needs to be addressed here - but we can't say that the level of anxiety she is displaying is reasonable.

It’s not even lunch time 🧐

I think you should see a Dr!

Left his phone on the train?

I'm glad all is well OP.

Don't beat yourself up about it. I have similar feelings when I can't get hold of my DH, this came on after I couldn't contact a relative, only to find they had actually died (so whilst my reaction to the death is probably quite understandable, the resulting anxiety is hard to deal with)

Aw bless you OP, this sounds so much like me. I'm currently in therapy myself! Sending hugs xx

(Just saw the update - glad all is well)

Wow @Polkadotbabushka there are a few nasty idiots on this thread! I’m glad your DH is safe and sound. Don’t feel any guilt or shame for having anxiety, just begin to explore ways to support yourself.

This must be horrible for you, OP. It isn't a case of Oh, just calm down, or Don't worry, or It'll be fine or my personal favourite just change the way you think.

You sound a lot like my mum in this. She has huge anxiety and takes a little something (like me not answering the phone) and within an hour has convinced herself that I've had a heart attack and am lying dead in my house.

It is sad to hear the panic and upset in her voice.

It's like a nasty little worm burrowing into your brain and whispering and it's not something that's a choice or that you can just decide to stop doing. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I completely understand how you were feeling op and I am so happy your husband got in touch with you.
I have GAD and lots of my anxiety is about my husband and his safety. Calling him
a lot is what the professionals call ‘ safety behaviours’ and I do this to my husband. Just to have the reassurance he’s okay.
I also suffer utterly crippling anxiety. It’s so debilitating and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.

I suggest to go back to your GP. Explain the impact it’s having on you and ask for more support. It’s great you are able to work and hold down a job. I can’t do that.
Take care of yourself and please take care no notice of the posts who were not necessarily empathetic.
Unless you have had it personally and have experienced how terrifying and debilitating anxiety can be and to what extreme, then people can find it hard to understand.
Take care 🩷

So why were you contacting him? If it wasn't about anything important or specific and you regularly message or phone him for reasons that could easily wait until he is home, then my guess is he finds it intrusive and he is choosing not to answer because it's not appropriate or convenient when he is busy at work to have you calling him or messaging him up every day (or even several times a day) for no good reason. Has he told you this in the past?

Anything can happen at any time, my adult male partner got hit by a car that went out of control around a corner and taken to hospital, and I didn't find out about it until about 6 hours later when his brother messaged me assuming I already knew.

So I used to be a bad worrier and have been a lot better lately.

No, I think it's fair to say that you are still a very bad worrier. The man is at work. There are dozens of non-serious explanations for why he may not be looking at his messages or not answering your calls. Please find something to distract yourself with and make a pact with yourself that you will only look at your phone in 30 minutes time, then another 30 mins etc, until he eventually replies. He may even be deliberately not opening your message because he's sick of you obsessively contacting him all day every day when he's just trying to get on with his work, undisturbed.

Rest assured if there is some grave and serious reason for his lack of reply you'd know about it by now.