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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH

122 replies

colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 08:43

So two months ago I had an injury that put me in hospital for two weeks, I'm still recovering I'm off work and can't drive.

It's been tough dh works full time and has suddenly had to be main parent to our disabled son and do all dog walks. But we have had a lot of help. Dsis has stayed with us for several weeks doing most of housework, some school runs and running errands for me whilst working too. Dd has also been off sick but has helped alot with supporting me and with our son.

Nonetheless I recognise it's been tough on dh. One thing I asked was that he run my car once a week. We have two cars and are both on insurance . A few months ago I had flu and my car was stationary for a week the battery died and needed replacing. I didn't want my car sitting for months.

Dh agreed to run car although he said it would be fine. I went to check it yesterday and engine is dead. It transpired that in two months dh has started the engine once and not driven it at all.

He's going to try to jump start it this weekend.im really annoyed but when I said something he was angry because he has been doing so much and I am ungrateful.
He's adamant it's the weather that's caused issue with the car not it sitting stationary for so long .

Furthermore he's refusing to drive it going forward as he says it doesn't need to be driven. I have no one else to ask (dd doesn't drive, Dsis leaves today)

Am I right to be annoyed at him?

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 11:18

colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 11:15

He has had a rough time but he has also had two adults living with him and doing the majority of the house/care stuff. He has worked full time though, done some school runs and most dog walks.

Show quote history

Two women. Classic.

Barney16 · 09/01/2025 11:17

I would turn the engine on and sit on it as others have said. But if you can't because it hurts then he could of but honestly it's just sounds like you are both at the end of your tether. I hope you feel much better soon.

Original poster
colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 11:15

Wonderfulstuff · 09/01/2025 10:20

I'm currently ill in bed and have been since Christmas. My house is an absolute tip - imagine a 'before' image on some house cleaning/hoarders type show - but DH has cared for me, DC and worked full time whilst also not being 100% himself so I haven't said a single thing (even though I'd really like him to put away last week's food shop rather than having it out in bags all over the kitchen floor for example).

If the boot was on the other foot and he complained that the house was a mess whilst I had been flying solo I'd be furious. And whilst a car battery is annoying it isn't the biggest deal in the world and not worth falling out at a time where I'm sure everyone is feeling stressed and worried.

He has had a rough time but he has also had two adults living with him and doing the majority of the house/care stuff. He has worked full time though, done some school runs and most dog walks.

OP posts:
Original poster
colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 11:13

@BigMingeEnergy love your user name!

So I couldn't walk for about 8 days and then it's been rehabilitation to get me moving and able to sit for longer periods. The issue with getting in a standard car is the bend you have to do to get in and out. It's a lot harder with reduced mobility. My painkillers impact me too, headaches, nausea, grogginess. Plus when you lose the ability to walk/move your muscle mass drops very quickly. You become weaker.

My physio started with practicing pointing and flexing my toes and lifting my foot an inch off the bed. It's been an extremely slow journey.

OP posts:
Original poster
colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 11:06

@SecretSoul
So I'm on opiates, some days my pain is more manageable than other days, sometimes my side effects are more severe than others. The physio is helping me regain mobility, yesterday was the first time felt able to go try the car. I can't drive it yet but I was able to sit in it for a few minutes. I also feel capable today but my rehabilitation so far has had progress and setbacks and more progress. It's not a straight line of improvement. So tomorrow it may be possible, it may not.

OP posts:
Original poster
colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 11:00

Curiossir · 09/01/2025 09:27

If you were able to check it then you were able to start and run it yourself.

It was the first time I was able to

OP posts:
Original poster
colinshmolin · 09/01/2025 11:00

Notawildswimmer · 09/01/2025 09:21

Temperatures are low here which often lead to flat/defunct batteries. On a scale of what you’ve all had to deal with, a car which won’t start and which isn’t needed must be quite far down the list, surely? I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you

OP posts:
NachoChip · 09/01/2025 10:53

I'd say totally understand your frustration, but I wouldn't pass that onto him (or in fact to anyone who is working to support you at the moment). You've been through a lot and you must be feeling a bit helpless in some ways, but people are rallying around and doing their best, so maybe exercise a bit of tolerance right now. Hope you feel much better soon

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2025 10:44

Mounjarry · 09/01/2025 10:38

Well yes, OP can't even sit in a stationary care so presumably isn't able to do anything at all really. Doing housework and some errands is helpful sure but not really the same as 2 parents equally pulling their weight?

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Did he equally pull his weight before? Do we know?

CeffylCoch · 09/01/2025 10:44

YABU. You didn't need the car and it will be easy enough to get it going again when you do

Mounjarry · 09/01/2025 10:39

Honestly if a bloke was injured and the woman was doing everything with a few weeks of some help and he moaned about this small thing that let's be real he could have done, i don't reckon he'd have a fun time on here.

Mounjarry · 09/01/2025 10:38

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2025 09:50

Lion's share?

I think the OP's sister took quite a load off whilst working in someone else's house at the same time.

Show quote history

Well yes, OP can't even sit in a stationary care so presumably isn't able to do anything at all really. Doing housework and some errands is helpful sure but not really the same as 2 parents equally pulling their weight?

JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 10:32

AvidBee · 09/01/2025 10:29

But it's not "just one thing", he's being the main parent, presumably still working/using up his leave and this is a very insignificant thing, especially as OP can't drive at the moment

Show quote history

The OP seems to manage, when well, to do all the extras he is currently doing, and he has some help too as the sister moved in etc. Which I imagine the OP doesn't require when she is fit and well. She he hasn't taken it all on alone.

I also imagine he could / would ask the OP for help or support in the usual times with things and she does them for him, as we do in relationships.

I get that it's not been done as he is working and minding the children and its a lot. But it's classic, really, isn't it that when Mum is out of action, the help all rallies around and dad is seen to be superman picking it all up.

In reality, all he needed to do was take her car to work and back, in place of his own, once a week. Its poor that he has not recognised that this is important to his wife.

AvidBee · 09/01/2025 10:29

JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 10:27

Maybe it's not about the battery, maybe it's just about that fact that she had one specific request to make of him, which he agreed he would do, and he didn't.

Maybe it's symptomatic of what their relationship is like?

But it's not "just one thing", he's being the main parent, presumably still working/using up his leave and this is a very insignificant thing, especially as OP can't drive at the moment

Magnastorm · 09/01/2025 10:28

Get yourself a trickle charger and use that, if the car is not going to be driven for a while.

If he says he was going to do it and hasn't, then that's a bit annoying but it's not worth starting a fight over. It sounds like a shitty, stressful time for both of you, cut each other a bit of slack.

JimHalpertsWife · 09/01/2025 10:27

Maybe it's not about the battery, maybe it's just about that fact that she had one specific request to make of him, which he agreed he would do, and he didn't.

Maybe it's symptomatic of what their relationship is like?

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/01/2025 10:24

baileys6904 · 09/01/2025 10:20

If this was a bloke posting about his wife not starting his car, he'd be handed his arse on a plate

YADBU

Yeah.
Poor bastard, in this case.
Thank you very much.

Wonderfulstuff · 09/01/2025 10:20

I'm currently ill in bed and have been since Christmas. My house is an absolute tip - imagine a 'before' image on some house cleaning/hoarders type show - but DH has cared for me, DC and worked full time whilst also not being 100% himself so I haven't said a single thing (even though I'd really like him to put away last week's food shop rather than having it out in bags all over the kitchen floor for example).

If the boot was on the other foot and he complained that the house was a mess whilst I had been flying solo I'd be furious. And whilst a car battery is annoying it isn't the biggest deal in the world and not worth falling out at a time where I'm sure everyone is feeling stressed and worried.

baileys6904 · 09/01/2025 10:20

If this was a bloke posting about his wife not starting his car, he'd be handed his arse on a plate

YADBU

BigMingeEnergy · 09/01/2025 10:19

Completelyjo · 09/01/2025 09:09

After 2 months you should surely be able to run the engine yourself for a few mins?

Any reason as to why you can't do this OP?

Butterfly123456 · 09/01/2025 10:16

You can buy yourself a car battery charger online. No need to rely on anybody. or replace your battery all the time.

mrsm43s · 09/01/2025 09:53

Imagine if your DH was out of action, and you were having to cover everything and feeling under pressure, and then he had a go at you because you forgot to do one small, unimportant thing. How would that make you feel?

Mistakes happen, things get forgotten. He's taken on a lot. Let this one go.

Catza · 09/01/2025 09:52

Eyresandgraces · 09/01/2025 09:41

A car should be run for 15 minutes a week ideally and more importantly your tyre pressure will need checking before the car is driven anywhere. Also braking for the first few times needs a bit more distance from the car in front as the brakes can corrode slightly if not used in a while but will be ok after a few uses.

It’s quite worrying the lack of knowledge regarding basic car maintenance on this thread.

It's not lack of car maintenance knowledge, it's being pragmatic. When you are ill, have one sick child and another with disability, have to source help to keep alive and ticking, I am sure you are not going to get your fancy tire pressure gauge and muck about with your car. You just do the best you can and take it to the garage when you are able to.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2025 09:50

Mounjarry · 09/01/2025 09:39

Honestly if partner asked me to do this amongst doing the lions share of stuff because he was injured and I forgot and he moaned I'd be annoyed, especially as there's no reason let's be real you'd be unable to sit in a car with the engine on most likely. He's also offered to try and resolve it, if he wasn't bothered he wouldn't.

Edited

Lion's share?

I think the OP's sister took quite a load off whilst working in someone else's house at the same time.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 09/01/2025 09:43

Yes, I would be annoyed. You aren't asking him to do anything extreme, just swap which car he uses once a week. There's no reason he couldn't have nipped to the shops in your car instead of his on a handful of occasions over a 2-3 month period.