Page 2 | Was teacher wrong to say this?

Whyamisopathetic · 2025-01-08T23:35:15+00:00

Sitting in the staff room today, when one of the teachers came in. I had just opened a Christmas cake and pointed it out to her, offering her some. Her response was “Urgh no thank you it’s disgusting. Anyway, everyone knows that only old people eat Christmas cake” I’m the third eldest, out of a staff of thirty. I worked in her class last year, and she was always making digs at my age. She once told the children I’d reached the end of my lifecycle and made reference to me being around when dinosaurs roamed the earth. She’s also made fun of me being small and laughed when she found out the 4x4 was mine. I don’t know why she does this. AIBU to feel upset and embarrassed.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/01/2025 23:49

Whyamisopathetic · 13/01/2025 23:35

So this happened today.

I walk into the staff room this morning (about six people in there) and start doing my usual of putting phone on silent, making a drink etc. I’d put my bag on the table and realised I’d forgotten to put my perfume on, so get it out of my bag to spray it. She’s there at the sink, turns around and says “Omg! It’s not even a sample, and it’s a huge bottle (Jo Malone) because you’re so rich” She comes to smell it and says it’s lovely. I say “Well it did take 18 months to get, from vouchers for Christmas, birthdays, Mothers Day.

Then at tonight’s meeting she asks if her head is blocking my view. I reply “No! I can see right through it thank you”

The temporary head starts a topic with “At our age…” He’s then interrupted by the deputy head who says “Er…sorry…did you say at our age? I hope you are not putting yourself in the same age bracket as the majority here” Temporary head is 40 and majority of staff 25-35.

So my point is, everyone is ageist, staff, kids, SLT…absolutely everyone.

And she was a total female dog to say that about the perfume. She knows how shit TAs pay is!!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/01/2025 23:48

Whyamisopathetic · 12/01/2025 14:38

I totally get what you’re saying, but the kids love her! She’s their idol. I’m still with the same class that I was with last year. Our new teacher is wonderful. She’s so kind, knowledgeable, caring, respectful and just all round lovely. However all of the class still refer to last year’s teacher, the bully, as their idol, inspiration and the person they want to become. When she pops into our class, it’s like a celeb has arrived.

After she whole ‘glasses’ incident, a lot of the girls asked me if I was ok. They said no one should make fun of you Miss X. However I think that’s long forgotten.

I think whoever said she is trying to be ‘down with the kids’ is spot on because she’ll discuss her tattoos, and where on her body she had which tattoo and what fake tan products she preferred. The kids loved this! I didn’t think it was appropriate, but nothing she does is ever seen as not ok!!!

A few weeks ago i accidentally said the word ‘telephone’ and one of the year six kids said “Omg Miss X…telephone!!! Do you think you’re in the dark ages? No one says telephone anymore” Tbh I felt pretty stupid as it was in front of a group and they all laughed.

I do feel there is an ageist culture in our school and no one would listen to me.

Show quote history

I think there's an ageist culture in general - you see it frequently here. I'm 61 and I often feel invisible and irrelevant, yet I'm still the same person I always was.

If that's the culture in the school, then it is going to be difficult to confront. However my 27 year old is a teacher and the kids treat them sometimes as if they're ancient too!

Make a note of all these comments and raise them! I wouldn't worry so much about the kids - you just need some smart repartee to lob back at them - but when grown adults as treating you as lesser because of your age, you don't have to accept that!

Original poster

Whyamisopathetic · 13/01/2025 23:35

So this happened today.

I walk into the staff room this morning (about six people in there) and start doing my usual of putting phone on silent, making a drink etc. I’d put my bag on the table and realised I’d forgotten to put my perfume on, so get it out of my bag to spray it. She’s there at the sink, turns around and says “Omg! It’s not even a sample, and it’s a huge bottle (Jo Malone) because you’re so rich” She comes to smell it and says it’s lovely. I say “Well it did take 18 months to get, from vouchers for Christmas, birthdays, Mothers Day.

Then at tonight’s meeting she asks if her head is blocking my view. I reply “No! I can see right through it thank you”

The temporary head starts a topic with “At our age…” He’s then interrupted by the deputy head who says “Er…sorry…did you say at our age? I hope you are not putting yourself in the same age bracket as the majority here” Temporary head is 40 and majority of staff 25-35.

So my point is, everyone is ageist, staff, kids, SLT…absolutely everyone.

OP posts:

iamjustwinginglife · 13/01/2025 22:41

Join a union-unison isn't much per year and provided good advice and support. You can join online.

Download the school's whistle blowing policy from the website-they have to publish it. Once you've read what you need to do, follow the policy to the letter.

Emmz1510 · 13/01/2025 21:14

Whyamisopathetic · 09/01/2025 23:49

I haven’t no because they think she’s wonderful! She only says stuff like this when there’s an audience.

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That makes it even more shocking that no one has called her out for it! At least if you report you’ll have corroboration- as long as you by audience you don’t mean the children of course!

NavyTurtle · 13/01/2025 20:55

For Petes sake stand up for yourself. Why are there so many weak people who allow themselves to be walked over. You know what you have to do.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 13/01/2025 20:49

Whyamisopathetic · 12/01/2025 14:38

I totally get what you’re saying, but the kids love her! She’s their idol. I’m still with the same class that I was with last year. Our new teacher is wonderful. She’s so kind, knowledgeable, caring, respectful and just all round lovely. However all of the class still refer to last year’s teacher, the bully, as their idol, inspiration and the person they want to become. When she pops into our class, it’s like a celeb has arrived.

After she whole ‘glasses’ incident, a lot of the girls asked me if I was ok. They said no one should make fun of you Miss X. However I think that’s long forgotten.

I think whoever said she is trying to be ‘down with the kids’ is spot on because she’ll discuss her tattoos, and where on her body she had which tattoo and what fake tan products she preferred. The kids loved this! I didn’t think it was appropriate, but nothing she does is ever seen as not ok!!!

A few weeks ago i accidentally said the word ‘telephone’ and one of the year six kids said “Omg Miss X…telephone!!! Do you think you’re in the dark ages? No one says telephone anymore” Tbh I felt pretty stupid as it was in front of a group and they all laughed.

I do feel there is an ageist culture in our school and no one would listen to me.

Show quote history

I work in HR and you are in no way being unreasonable! Her behaviour towards you is unacceptable and the topics she is discussing with students highly unprofessional.

Speak to your line manager in the first instance or if you don’t feel comfortable then go direct to your HR team. Tell them about how she has behaved and explain it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Also just because a SLT appears to think someone is amazing outwardly doesn’t mean they actually do, if as you’ve said she enjoys an audience then I’d imagine this behaviour will have already been noticed.

You are entitled to work without the worry of harassment and your employer has an obligation to address and prevent it.

Gardenbird123 · 13/01/2025 20:30

She sounds very rude. I worked with colleagues whose mother was my age, but they didn't make an issue out of it.
You can either- ignore
Laugh
Get in first - 'Well, back in the 19th century we did....'

Some day she will need your experience, just wait xx

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/01/2025 20:04

You are not unreasonable to feel upset but you are unreasonable to feel embarrassed. She should be feeling embarrassed about her daft theories. Everyone eats Christmas cake provided they like the taste and are not on a diet!

Brinkley22 · 13/01/2025 19:58

So unfortunately there are some people who can really detect those of us who (for whatever reason) are not likely to stick up for ourselves and are likely to internalise the shit that’s thrown at us.
These will pick on ANYTHING about the other person to mock to gain a feeling of superiority; to feel better than; to feel in control; to feel powerful.
You need to (and I know it’s bloody hard) show her you are not to be messed with; show her that you have boundaries which must not be crossed. It’s really hard to do when it doesn’t come naturally and when you are someone who is sensitive and may doubt yourself.

EasternStandard · 13/01/2025 19:41

Whyamisopathetic · 11/01/2025 16:10

As I’ve said before SLT love her. I honestly don’t think anyone would listen to me because they think she’s fantastic. She even retold the comment she made to me, about being at the end of my lifecycle, in front of the head and the head burst out laughing.

Show quote history

This is awful. Ageist bullying

SheilaWilde · 13/01/2025 19:41

The next time she's rude tell her not to be so pass-remarkable. The time after that, tell her to fuck off.

YenSon · 13/01/2025 19:40

This is bullying behaviour that needs addressing. Age is also a protected characteristic. Imagine making homophobic comments of a similar ilk and it not being reported or addressed
Let their line manager know and the Head. Ask to read the school’s bullying and harassment policy so you can decide what to do. Speak to your line manager too.

Todaywasbetter · 13/01/2025 19:39

If you feel you can, I would approach her while she’s on her own maybe doing prep at the end of the day. Id just tell her that while you appreciate that it’s great to have fun at work but a lot of her jokes and her comments are based on making fun of you.
And this sets a bad example for the children and it is deeply upsetting to you that you don’t want to report to management you’d rather deal with it face-to-face with her but you will not tolerate any repetition.

Navyontop · 13/01/2025 19:34

Start treating her like a child.
Tell her ‘careful’ a lot,
if she picks up a pair of scissors say ‘don’t run with those, it’s dangerous’,
patronise her, assume she doesn’t know anything,
ask her if she picks out her own outfits,
Just really the age difference home until she never wants to bring it up again.

MillyHilly99 · 13/01/2025 19:30

She's literally bullying you.

CheekyRaven · 13/01/2025 19:14

Ask her if she thinks it's funny as you don't think her remarks are to be laughed at.

Poppyfun1 · 13/01/2025 19:11

Head teacher here. I would want to know if this was one of my members of staff. Ageism is real and will not be tolerated.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 13/01/2025 19:09

Ageism is a form of discrimination in the workplace. Please make a formal complaint and if the head teacher won’t do anything about it complain to the chair of the governors. Can you imagine them ignoring any other form of discrimination?

itsmylife7 · 12/01/2025 17:20

She sounds like an attention seeking arsehole, and she's got an issue with older women.

She's definitely a bully and takes advantage of your much nicer personality.

I can imagine her having real issues as she ages.

Maybe you can point that out to her " you'll too be older one day "

Penguinmouse · 12/01/2025 17:10

Whyamisopathetic · 12/01/2025 14:38

I totally get what you’re saying, but the kids love her! She’s their idol. I’m still with the same class that I was with last year. Our new teacher is wonderful. She’s so kind, knowledgeable, caring, respectful and just all round lovely. However all of the class still refer to last year’s teacher, the bully, as their idol, inspiration and the person they want to become. When she pops into our class, it’s like a celeb has arrived.

After she whole ‘glasses’ incident, a lot of the girls asked me if I was ok. They said no one should make fun of you Miss X. However I think that’s long forgotten.

I think whoever said she is trying to be ‘down with the kids’ is spot on because she’ll discuss her tattoos, and where on her body she had which tattoo and what fake tan products she preferred. The kids loved this! I didn’t think it was appropriate, but nothing she does is ever seen as not ok!!!

A few weeks ago i accidentally said the word ‘telephone’ and one of the year six kids said “Omg Miss X…telephone!!! Do you think you’re in the dark ages? No one says telephone anymore” Tbh I felt pretty stupid as it was in front of a group and they all laughed.

I do feel there is an ageist culture in our school and no one would listen to me.

Show quote history

I would report this and if you have a way to report low level concerns I would. Conversations about tattoos, fake tan etc are not appropriate for the classroom. A teacher should not be friends with pupils and the way this teacher acts is not particularly appropriate.

jackstini · 12/01/2025 17:10

The more I read the worse she is 😢

Glad you are going to say someone OP - it's absolutely not acceptable for her to belittle you in front of the children or other staff. She 100% needs shutting down

Just keep in mind all of us who will be cheering you on

WeeOrcadian · 12/01/2025 15:12

She's a bully and needs to be reported

JLou08 · 12/01/2025 15:11

Whyamisopathetic · 12/01/2025 14:38

I totally get what you’re saying, but the kids love her! She’s their idol. I’m still with the same class that I was with last year. Our new teacher is wonderful. She’s so kind, knowledgeable, caring, respectful and just all round lovely. However all of the class still refer to last year’s teacher, the bully, as their idol, inspiration and the person they want to become. When she pops into our class, it’s like a celeb has arrived.

After she whole ‘glasses’ incident, a lot of the girls asked me if I was ok. They said no one should make fun of you Miss X. However I think that’s long forgotten.

I think whoever said she is trying to be ‘down with the kids’ is spot on because she’ll discuss her tattoos, and where on her body she had which tattoo and what fake tan products she preferred. The kids loved this! I didn’t think it was appropriate, but nothing she does is ever seen as not ok!!!

A few weeks ago i accidentally said the word ‘telephone’ and one of the year six kids said “Omg Miss X…telephone!!! Do you think you’re in the dark ages? No one says telephone anymore” Tbh I felt pretty stupid as it was in front of a group and they all laughed.

I do feel there is an ageist culture in our school and no one would listen to me.

Show quote history

People will have to listen if you have experienced bullying and discrimination and can provide evidence. I would recommend that you carefully pick out what is bullying/discrimination and what is due to your low self-esteem. The bullying may have led to the low self-esteem but I do think it's going to be easier to get your points across if you can differentiate the two, eg children laughing at the older generational is pretty typical and I think anyone working with or even raising children would have experienced this and just brushed it off.
Join a Union, point out and make it clear you are upset with every inappropriate comment from the teacher, record it with the date, exactly what was said by you both and who witnessed it. Get support from the union to make a complaint. Maybe reach out to any employee support available, I work for a Local Authority and there is a wellbeing line we can call that provides free advice, counselling, therapy etc, it's independent from the LA and is confidential.

JHound · 12/01/2025 14:39

I would report her to HR for ageism.