To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

I struggle to believe many people couldn’t understand why you’d not want to go, maybe the odd thicko, but I’d assume for the vast majority it’s fairly obvious.

I wouldn’t use the word patronising but understand the ‘stick up your arse’ comment, your wording made you sound like you do consider yourself morally superior to others who don’t have the same opinion, I think a simple, ‘I don’t agree with horse racing’ would suffice.

I think in these situations it is best to be honest as to why you can't attend. Imagine if she makes it an annual event to which you are invited and you are having to come up with excuses for the next 50 years!

Yea, it is surprising. I wonder if it’s just an oversight on her part? Like once my friend cooked chicken fajitas for me and another friend of ours who is vegetarian. It’s like she knew she was veggie, but it hadn’t clicked. It was a bit of a face palm moment for her.

I think OPs friend will probably apologise and say she feels a bit silly for not thinking it through!

The amount agonising and fretting in your opening thread alone made it clear why you are the subject to such manipulation.

Just put on you big girl pants and text the following:

Tubetrain · Today 16:26
Dear friend, thanks for the invite - I hope you have an amazing day but I won't be able to join you this time. happy birthday, love

No need for further discussion.

My SIL arranged greyhound racing for her hen do
think she knew I wouldn’t go ( we don’t get on, she’s not a nice person )
I met up with them after
Maybe suggest this OP, if it’s possible

This 💯
Remember it's an invitation not a summons 😀
You don't need to give a reason.
She might feel you are being judgmental.

Another vegan who’s worked with animals for a long time here. I’ve turned down a few invites to horse (& dog) racing in the past. I feel it’s fair to let your friend know why you’re not attending. Just something along the lines of ‘I’m not a fan of horse racing’ & say you’d love to celebrate with her another time/way. Have a read up on some of the research by Animal Aid & League Against Cruel Sports in case your friend asks you why. She might not know about ethical implications of horse racing.

I am also vegan, and wouldn't go - I have been vegan so long, people know not to even bother inviting me to such things - actually, I don't even think I have any friends left who would want to go either.

Just say you don’t enjoy racing and will be declining the offer. I find it’s either freezing or sunburns weather and not much in between. Bad back from wearing heels also day unless you have a guaranteed seat too

I’m surprised this is seemingly so hard for some people to just tell the truth to an old friend.

I’d definitely just say briefly - “I can’t make it, as you know I’m both a vegan and animal lover, and it would be massively hypocritical of me to attend as I don’t agree with the it. However, if you’re doing anything else for your birthday let me know. If not we can meet up for coffee and cake at another time”

If she gets offended that’s a reflection on her.

The issue with this, having had to decline invitations to the races on many occasions, is people wanting to know why it isn't your thing - for some reason, people can't see the conflict there. Telling people the reason why is not patronising. I don't feel superior to my friends, and to be honest, none of my friends would be offended by my ethical beliefs either.

Say 'I'm sorry I can't make it' in the group chat and when she asks say what Vimesandhiscardboardboots posted 'it's a vegan thing'.

It's true without being judgmental.

Just tell her OP
I wouldn’t go to the races for anyone.
You have a perfectly valid reason

This is a great response. If it upsets her, she isn't a great friend.

If she asks, just say "It's a vegan thing". This is what my SIL does. People get what she means but it lacks the judgement of "I don't approve of..." or "I don't support ..."

I would definitely not go.

I wouldn’t do anything that goes against my morals.

I don’t watch horse racing either and many of my friends do and they are very respectful of it and gives me a heads up that it will be on Tv etc if I’m planning to go around.

Any friend would absolutely not have an issue with you and your morals.

I would politely decline and say why.

Oh this is difficult. You're stuffed whichever way you look at it.

1. Go to the races.
2. Lie about having plans/can't make it. Continue to lie when asked about it.
3. Tell the truth and risk offending friend.

I'm honest so I'd go for 3. I'd be as diplomatic as possible though. It's difficult to tell someone that their chosen day out compromises your values without sounding judgemental.
It IS risky but better than outright lying and taking your friend for a fool or spending an entire day betraying yourself just to please someone else.

Fwiw, I wouldn't want to go to the races either. It's not just the animal welfare angle, I'm not interested in betting, prosecco or posing in fancy hats either.

"not my thing, sorry"
happy to help

The Grand National is a 3 day 'festival' with the main race on the final day. Maybe I should have just said 'on average' because between 2000 and 2024 there were three years with no deaths at all.
However for this period there were 65 deaths in total across all festival races. I don't think this is an acceptable number.

Id maybe say i can't make it, as a pp said - no point in starting a debate or making her feel bad about the choice of venue, especially if she's a friend xx

Edited as just seen your other posts

Maybe say gently how much of a friend she is to you but you just can't stomach it, but you'll absolutely find another way to celebrate and expect to see her to give gifts etc x

Don't lie! It's fine to say "I'm sorry, I can't abide the horse racing industry. I am sorry to not be celebrating with you but I would be so uncomfortable there!"

It's a common outlook, not something to be ashamed of! And the average reasonable person would accept it. It may feel uncomfortable to say but it does not imply you are judging her - your vegan for years - are you taking her over the coals for every pair of leather shoes and handbags she owns? - no - this is not different, it's OK to decline on animal welfare.

In that case , she knows you're vegan I presume, I'm sure she will understand why you don't want to go , can you call her and explain?

You can't possibly go to the races feeling as you do, and need to tell her that. Why should you lie about things that matter to you so much? If she's really a friend she'll respect your choice.

Just say the races aren't your thing, what with being vegan etc, but you'll meet them for drinks/dinner afterwards. The races don't last all evening so you should be fine.

Just say “Have a very happy birthday, sending you lots of love. Horse racing not my thing but I’ll be raising a glass to you having a great year”

If she asks further just say ‘it’s not a relationship with animals that I enjoy, an extension of being a vegan I suppose , but no judgement on anyone else, have a great day “ (privately, not in the group chat)