Page 10 | To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

Crazycatlady79 · 08/01/2025 16:42

All you need to say is that you can't go. You don't need to explain yourself.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2025 16:41

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 16:39

It might sound like I have a stick up my arse, but it doesn't change ONE of the reason why I would not attend an horse racing event.

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I wouldn't go either but I wouldn't send a patronising message like that unless I wanted people to think all Vegans were annoying (which they aren't)

saraclara · 08/01/2025 16:41

If you don't want to lie, I'd make another arrangement quickly. Invite yourself to stay with a relative or friend (who'd love a visit). Then say you can't make it as you're already booked up that day.

Don't give her the real reason. If you do so you're basically criticising her and her other guests for going.

thisfilmisboring123 · 08/01/2025 16:40

I absolutely love a day at the races but would never judge someone who doesn’t for welfare reasons.

I’d just be honest and tell her the reason. I don’t think there’s any need to lie.

I wouldn’t reply in the group chat as puts a bit of a downer on their day out.

If she’s a decent friend, she’d definitely understand.

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 16:39

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2025 16:36

God don't say that, it sounds like you have a stick up your arse

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It might sound like I have a stick up my arse, but it doesn't change ONE of the reason why I would not attend an horse racing event.

curtaintwitcher78 · 08/01/2025 16:37

You don't have to reply in the group. That will eventually become a group for those attending to make arrangements, payments, etc.
Just reply privately to your friend saying you're sorry that you're unable to attend and you'd still like to see her and celebrate her birthday with her on another date.
If she asks why, you can tell her you don't attend such events on moral grounds and as a vegan, but you're not judging her for doing so.
If she doesn't ask, it's all good.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2025 16:36

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 16:26

I'd just say something like 'I'm aware that horses love to run, but as vegans, we don't agree with trying to make financial gains from animals', possibly avoid words like exploitation so that she doesn't feel you are judging her.

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God don't say that, it sounds like you have a stick up your arse

ClaredeBear · 08/01/2025 16:35

You should stand by your principles. You don't need to explain why but if she asks I think it's fine to tell her, after all, she may be interested to learn - and I don't think you should lie about principles; rather defeats the object.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2025 16:35

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 16:11

I love going to the horse races. I don't think it's any different to someone sitting on a horse and jumping with them in a show jumping competition.

Just say that you're not free.

It is pretty different, the mortality rate is much higher and the treatment of many ex Racehorses or ones that don'r make the grade can be awful.
OP, I won't go to Horse Racing either, I don't make a big deal of it I just say I can't come.
I did have to explain it at a work even once when I refused to go Greyhound racing and my boss was trying to insist I "rearrange" whatever was stopping me from going.
Once I explained it was on ethical grounds they accepted it (probably slagged me off behind my back but whatever)

caringcarer · 08/01/2025 16:32

MassiveSalad22 · 08/01/2025 16:14

You said yourself she’s asked if you can make it. So say no.

This. No need to make a song and a dance about it just say you can't make it.

pimplebum · 08/01/2025 16:31

Two clear options
fake a previous engagement so you don’t go

make a public stand and tell her why your not going

depends on how close you are and how much she respects you , I would respect someone for making a stand but that’s me
good luck 👍

nonbinaryfinery · 08/01/2025 16:31

You're just gonna have to be honest with her.

5foot5 · 08/01/2025 16:30

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:20

yes this is what I’m wondering. Whether I should just say I already have something booked that day? I don’t really want to lie though, but I suppose it’s only a white lie and isn’t a big deal. There’s something stopping me from telling her the real reason, I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not… I just don’t personally want to go

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I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not…

Well of course she will feel you are judging her if you tell her the real reason. That's not a weird reaction, I think it is predictable that anyone would feel judged.

Absolutely YANBU to not go and tell her you can't make it. But if you value the friendship don't go in to the reasons why unless really, really pressed.

Nobodyknowsitall5 · 08/01/2025 16:28

You sound like a lovely person. Don't worry about. I'm sure your friend will understand x

ilovesooty · 08/01/2025 16:28

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:20

yes this is what I’m wondering. Whether I should just say I already have something booked that day? I don’t really want to lie though, but I suppose it’s only a white lie and isn’t a big deal. There’s something stopping me from telling her the real reason, I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not… I just don’t personally want to go

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Just say that you can't make it, and if pressed that it isn't an event you want to go to. There's no reason to lie.

Delphigirl · 08/01/2025 16:27

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:02

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

No not at all, I would understand perfectly.

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 16:26

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:20

yes this is what I’m wondering. Whether I should just say I already have something booked that day? I don’t really want to lie though, but I suppose it’s only a white lie and isn’t a big deal. There’s something stopping me from telling her the real reason, I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not… I just don’t personally want to go

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I'd just say something like 'I'm aware that horses love to run, but as vegans, we don't agree with trying to make financial gains from animals', possibly avoid words like exploitation so that she doesn't feel you are judging her.

Tubetrain · 08/01/2025 16:26

Dear friend, thanks for the invite - I hope you have an amazing day but I won't be able to join you this time. happy birthday, love @Bumpnwalk

GasPanic · 08/01/2025 16:22

I mean if you have been friends 10 years then I am surprised she would not know that you might be against it morally if you are a vegan and work with animals.

Can't you just tell her you don't agree with racing because you don't like the idea of horses being hurt, but you'd be happy to go out for a meal/drink with her on another date ?

If she is a good friend she should understand/know it is an important part of your life.

Original poster

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:22

Member984815 · 08/01/2025 16:19

Just say you can't make it and nothing more

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We don’t have that kind of blunt relationship. If she invites me to her birthday and I just say “sorry can’t come, but have a great time” she will absolutely call me or text me to have a chat about it and ask why I can’t come. We aren’t best friends but we are still close enough that she would want me at her birthday. If I tell her I already have something planned, she will probably ask if I can rearrange it (she’s done this before) so I’d have to have a pretty solid lie about something that I absolutely can’t cancel

OP posts:

BlueberryShortcakePixie · 08/01/2025 16:20

Just tell her the reason, it’s no big deal. If she’s your friend she should know why you can’t go.

Original poster

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:20

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:17

Prior engagement ? Sick aunt ? I dunno but I wouldn't be mentioning the morality of her birthday activity.

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yes this is what I’m wondering. Whether I should just say I already have something booked that day? I don’t really want to lie though, but I suppose it’s only a white lie and isn’t a big deal. There’s something stopping me from telling her the real reason, I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not… I just don’t personally want to go

OP posts:

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 16:19

Yeah you are vegan and that is a perfect reason not to attend. She might not realise why horse racing goes against your ethics, so if you explain I'm sure she'll understand.

Member984815 · 08/01/2025 16:19

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:10

Do you have to tell her the reason? Just simply say can't make it, hope you all have a lovely time.

Just say you can't make it and nothing more

Bonjovispyjamas · 08/01/2025 16:19

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 16:11

I love going to the horse races. I don't think it's any different to someone sitting on a horse and jumping with them in a show jumping competition.

Just say that you're not free.

Tell that to the two horses who died in one day at Cheltenham last year.