Sympathetic to her divorce, but finding it hard to be empathetic

One of the things divorced women report is that they re-emerge from their marriages extremely isolated, having lost friends and social life because their dh or coupledom pushed old friends and friends from single days away.

If you liked her once and think fondly of her you might try to reconnect. If you don’t, you don’t.

I’d send her a kind message. I wouldn’t be looking to rekindle the friendship because you’ve obviously drifted apart and if she found it difficult to be around you because you had what she wanted, she’ll probably drift away from you again once she’s through this crisis.

Just adding - your feelings are valid to. It’s painful when a close friend distances themself or doesn’t get involved in something that is a happy event for you. It is hard, it’s ok to be hurt too.

That's for her to deal with. Not to freeze you out.

I'd message a "Sorry to hear that, hope you're doing ok." And leave it at that.

Given your recent update:

Your friend most likely distanced themselves due to the fact your life was moving on, you were having a baby and your friend was in an unhappy marriage where she was desperately wanting to be a mum but her DH wasn’t on the same wavelength.

It must of been incredibly hard for her to watch her friends have children and having the one thing they wanted. You mentioned she had a lukewarm reaction to your announcement, that it took her months to meet DD and that she would cancel often.

Was you empathetic to her situation? Because from your OP “the last straw was because she was too busy and never rearranged” but did you reach out to your friend and make her feelings valid and tell her you understand it must be hard for her. Or did you just never mention it.

One of my best friends distanced themselves from me when I became pregnant with my DS. She was going through infertility and it was just too much, she didn’t meet my DS for months and I told her in private about my pregnancy so she knew I was trying to be sensitive to her feelings.

Obviously you may have been super sensitive to her feelings! I’m not saying you didn’t, I’m just saying that may potentially be why she was distant x

The friendship is over. She may have sent that message to everyone in her address book for all you know.

If I was feeling brave I’d say, ‘sorry to hear that, good luck with your future.’ If not so brave just sorry to hear that.

Don’t give it headspace.

Friendships shouldn't have so many conditions put on them. There are bound to be times where it isn't always plain sailing. People have busy lives. I feel for your friend. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors,

I think a key bit of info here is - did she want children and DH didn’t? As that might explain the distance.

I wouldn't bother to continue the friendship because it wasn't one in the last few years

I'd respond by text and say 'sorry to hear that, look after yourself'

I think you're overthinking this. Just reply 'Sorry to hear that, hope you're doing OK' and leave it at that. It's not some kind of summons back to intense, contact-heavy friendship, and even if it were, you're not obliged to do anything you don't want.

I would send a simple "sorry to hear that type message", because presumably you are, and then see what happens. It would not be surprising if she found your own happiness difficult in her own circumstances, especially if she was the one who wanted a baby. Do you want to get the friendship back on track?

You’ve said she and her DH ‘weren’t on the same page about children.’ I’m assuming that she wanted them and he didn’t? If that’s the case, that might explain why she avoided being around you when you became pregnant.

You don’t need to reply but if you feel you want to just say you’re sorry to hear that.

Do you want a future friendship with her? As you point out, the difficult marriage may have been behind some of her issues before, and it could be that she gets a new lease of life once divorced and is in a better place to contribute to a friendship. So in that sense, it might be a good time to re-ignite the friendship if thats what you want.

But if not, I'd just offer brief supportive message and leave it at that - continue with the fizzle out.

I’d probably respond with a fairly bland ‘sorry to hear that, hope you are ok’ message but don’t make any mention of meeting up or necessarily resurrecting the friendship.