Sympathetic to her divorce, but finding it hard to be empathetic

What conditions has she put on them? That she expects an interest in her life and to meet up?

It of course crossed my mind that she was struggling with my life moving on in a way hers hadn’t, and while I haven’t been in the same situation, I would like to think that I would be happy for my best friend (while privately mourning the life I don’t have) rather than allowing it to create distance

You are entitled to end/phase out a friendship for any reason. But I think you're being a bit cold and unfeeling to say you're struggling to feel any empathy for her given her situation. She appears to have struggled to keep contacting going at a time where your life was on the up and hers was simultaneously going down the pan.

How can you possible say how you'd react if the boot was on the other foot?

I have a lot of sympathy for the friend in this case.

I understand that you are upset, but I also let some friendships drift when I was going through a very long and messy divorce.

i loved these friends to bits, but sometimes I only had the emotional space for a couple of friends who lived nearby. I was so exhausted by everything- I had no time to meet friends I was very fond of.

the fact you were pregnant must have made it very difficult for her. I completely understand how hurt you were, and none of this is your fault. But I do think your friend may want to build bridges.

if you do meet up, why not raise the issue with her and tell her how hurt you were ?

It sounds like you don't want her as a friend, and that's ok.

Id give it the same lukewarm response as she did your pregnancy.

I dont think you are really friends at this point. You don't socialise, laugh, speak. You're basically not much more than Facebook friends.

I'd go with something bland like "oh I'm so sorry to hear that" rather than "omg I can't believe this, I'm so sorry, are you OK, do you need support" etc. And I'd respond in fits and bursts so she doesn't get the idea she can suddenly latch onto you for endless calls and dinners given she's little more than an acquaintance now.

Golden rule comes into play here big time.
if someone wasn’t there for you n your time of need then you don’t show up for them.
brutal I know. But self preservation.

To put across another point of view, given all of the shared history, if you would still enjoy her company I would lean in and be supportive and see where you get.

In my opinion these long standing friendships from childhood are often more like family. In that you can go through periods of being closer and less close without it having to mean the end of the friendship.

I think that you can understand the reason for her distance even if it isn’t what you’d hope you would have been able to do in the same circumstances. Why not start afresh and see how you feel?

it sounds like you did the right thing reducing your friendship - not sure why from a human point of view you would not just send her a bland “Sorry to hear that hope you are ok” but just not engage further?” She’s been a lack lustre friend, but not mean to you, so not sure why you would kick the boot in just this minute by ignoring her now when she’s at a low point.
Sure if she tries to engage further be distant but her first message?

Blimey, don't send that... You can virtually hear the door slam!

The fact that you are ready to ditch her over this shows that you are probably a bit high maintenance. Real friendships can overcome things like this.

It sounds like she’s been through a really difficult time. I understand you feel upset about how the relationship has been recently but it depends if you can forgive that.
I have a friend that I was really close to but I found it difficult to maintain contact with as she was at a different life stage to me, I had a lot going on and we didn’t live locally. My situation changed meaning I have more time and we have become much closer again in recent years. I think we have a great friendship which we would have both missed out on if we couldn’t put the past aside.
Id think about the future more than the past as you can’t change that. At the very least meet up with her once, see if she is flaky or not and see if she explains and apologises for previous behaviour.

I suppose it depends on whether you want to rekindle this friendship or not. I can see why she withdrew from you a bit with your baby but also that this would be hurtful. I would respond but then take it from there. Presumably you are pleased she is no longer with him?

It is hurtful to be phased out of someone's life but I'd assume she had a reason and it seems like things have been tough for her. You can feel for her without opening yourself up to potentially being hurt again. Send a message saying ' sorry to hear the news, it sounds really hard' . If I had genuinely liked her before I'd also say 'if you want to meet for chat let me know but no pressure' and have no expectations. Life is complicated, we don't all behave as we should all the time. But if you don't want to open yourself up to disappointment don't add the second bit.

I do feel for both of you. Sadly, friendships change and it seems yours has been the victim of you both being at very different places at the same time. But I don’t think your ‘friendship bore the brunt of it’. That’s putting too much emphasis on the place of your friendship in the story of her marriage. The likelihood is that your poor friend has been through emotional torture for years - wanting children and not being able to have them is life-changing. It’s possible her ex husband prevented her from maintaining any close friendships except a few approved ones. It’s possible she was in so much emotional pain that one of her coping strategies was to ‘pretend’ she had a normal life on social media. She might have felt ashamed of the truth. It’s also very easy to say that you like to think you’d have still been pleased for your friend had the situations been reversed. Impossible to know how your emotional pain would have have manifested. You’re the lucky one for whom everything went well. I’m sad for you that the friendship changed/ended. I genuinely feel for you. There’s no need for you to reach out and help now in her new painful position of going through a divorce. I get that it now isn’t your place to do that. But please don’t blame your friend for everything around your friendship breaking down. There are many factors here.

Tell her you’re sorry and to take care of herself

She might just be keeping you in the picture and doesn’t want to take the friendship any further but if she tries to resurrect the relationship then you need to decide if you want to hear her side of the story and give her a chance
if you can’t be bothered anymore then remain distant
You’ve most likely worked out why she let things slide - you need to decide if you care enough to give her another chance

I think it’s probably better she doesn’t maintain the friendship with you, it sounds like she has had a really difficult time and you have no empathy with her situation - not even being sure how serious the issues were with her husband or if she was suffering abuse there.
Every sentence from you is countered with a ‘but’ about you that in reality dismisses her. ‘I don’t doubt her divorce is hard, but why did my friendship suffer.’I’m sure it’s hard to watch my life move on when she wanted kids herself but…she should have made an effort to see my baby’
I get we’re all the star of her own movies but sounds like she needs a real friend, sometimes that means not hanging onto slights and being kind even when it doesn’t seem ‘fair’.
Not sure you’re able to do that if you feel no empathy for someone who at least for a time was a friend.

Surely you’re old and wise enough to know that social media doesn’t tell a whole story? Maybe those were people who’ve stayed in her her life because they’ve recognised she’s struggling, and have pushed her to go out and spend time with them.

If you can’t find empathy for her then that’s fair enough, but save your sympathy. No one needs that.

I personally feel like both of you are reasonable and not unreasonable at the same time.

You said it crossed your mind that she was struggling with your life moving on, but it doesn’t seem like you reached out to your friend to communicate your feelings. Your friend also failed to communicate her feelings to you - and in stead radio silence after your birth and cancelled rather than tell you how hard she’s finding it.

It’s not unreasonable for you to expect her to check in on you too, or make sure you’re on after birth. It’s not unreasonable to be sad that she acted like your DD didn’t exist. It’s also not unreasonable for her to distance herself if she was struggling with her life too.

I personally would just have a bit of empathy to the fact she was in an unhappy marriage, watching others have kids whilst she couldn’t have that, I would feel sad that she was getting a divorce but also wish her the best for the future. Maybe too much has gone on to reconnect or want the friendship again. Your feelings are understandable too.

I lost touch with my best friend between the ages of 22 and 37. The reason? Her abusive husband isolated her from friends and family, moved her to the ends of the earth and made her change her number. Thankfully she got out, and we got back in touch.

All this to say there's always the possibility that she wanted the friendship but was kept from it. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and restart the friendship. If it ends up going the way it did before, then you know to step away from it.

Well, you'll never know unless you find yourself in that position, so it's pointless to speculate about how you would have maintained the friendship while privately mourning. I lost two good friends when I had a child. They were older than me, and I thought they were happily childfree, as I had been, but it turned out that they'd desperately wanted children and been unable to have them, before I knew them. One of them I've resumed a friendship with, 12 years on, the other has never reappeared in my life.

'Sorry to hear that, take care of yourself'.

This is what I'd do. Kind, but not leading.

Just write back with 'Onwards and upwards.' and leave it at that.

The friendship has run its course.