To agree with this article on flaking

It's also contradictory. They're not sure why anyone would agree in the first place, yet clearly they did since they pride themselves on taking any excuse to cancel. Talk about a lack of self-awareness (on top of the selfishness). I get the impression that there's something almost performative about this "self-care" - you have to be seen to be doing it, and make others know that your temporary comfort is much more important than their planned occasions.

The quote is also contradictory. If you don't want to agree to gather in the first place ... then why are you doing so? Surely it's even better self care to realise you don't want to do something and therefore not commit to doing so ...?

”Unless it’s a significant birthday or wedding, I’m not quite sure why one would agree to gather in the first place. These days I’ll take any excuse to cancel last-minute and it feels like self-care.”

I found this comment from the article particularly gobsmacking.

If you can’t be bothered to invest in friendships good luck being invited to big birthdays or weddings or ever having anyone to invite to your own. What a sad loser.

I also think that we form habits and newer, smaller comfort zones very easily. If you stop doing things, the idea of doing things becomes less and less appealing. As those who have had anxiety will know, giving in to the impulse to make your comfort zone smaller can end in a very restricted life.

I’m not begging people to be my friend. If they’d rather do something else and flake on me then that’s their choice and a clear sign of the effort they’re planning to put in. I will match that effort.

I do lots of things on my own too, and have done for years. I've definitely noticed a lot more women doing the same. When I first stared doing this (25 years ago), I was pretty much the only woman on her own in the cinema, theatre or restaurant, or travelling alone. Now there are loads of us. I'm not sure that it's entirely down to flakey friends, though - it would be interesting to know why there are so many more women doing things solo.

This happened to me 30 years ago—I cooked a gorgeous birthday meal for 12 and I think over half no showed. It really didn’t occur to people that I had gone to any trouble or expense for the party. That was my conclusion, anyway. I stopped throwing myself parties then.

Flakey or late people are giving you a message - I listen to this message- I am not important to them - so I bin them

I just don't commit to anything at all now
My condition means I can be fine and then 10 mins later needing morphine for pain so obviously I would have to cancel if I booked something
So I just don't book or do anything for the time being

“(S)he travels fastest who travels alone”

I genuinely love my friends but I do not bother inviting them along to anything because of the flakiness, last min cancellations, requests to change dates and general faff. I go to the theatre/cinema alone, art shows, anything really. I also go on the famous MN cure all, spa breaks, on my own and love it. I just have less patience as I get older and if someone lets me down once or twice I don’t bother meeting up with them anymore.

The only friend who is consistently reliable is child free and I’m sure the two factors are related (I have two young DC of my own in case anyone things I hate kids😂)

It's appallingly rude. If you don't want to go or think you won't want to go, just say no from the get-go. And I say this as an off the charts introvert who doesn't always feel like going to things but would never blow off a commitment at the last minute. Not to stereotype, but I'm 60 and sucking it up was dinned into me from an early age, so is this more generational?

We're all busy, we're all tired. Lots and lots of us have health issues. No one seems to want to commit to do anything anymore. Barring genuine emergencies and serious illness it's lazy and rude to flake out.

“I think the main driver of flaking is that everyone is burnt out,” Tim said.

Everyone seems to think they are ‘burnt out’ these days, it’s become the latest word to be overused to the point of being meaningless, like ‘mental health’, ‘depressed’ and ‘fascist’. Heaven knows how a lot of people in this country would cope if they had to do live the kind of life many people in poorer countries with little in the way of employment rights or safety nets do. You know, the way people always used to manage in the UK, until the past 100 years.

So many people seem to have lost any and all resilience. Life is tough. You won’t always be happy. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean you have a mental health problem or are burnt out.

Problem is that there is a valid argument for people putting themselves first when they really need it, but this is becoming a convenient excuse for the lazy and self-centred. The article quotes someone saying it was a good development that people weren’t “roughing it out” to attend “inconsequential” things. Which raises the questions of what constitutes “roughing it out” and to whom the event is “inconsequential”! It doesn’t feel inconsequential to have your time and company valued at nothing.

I’d expect dropping out of an event to involves weighing up the consequences for me of going against those of the other person or people. Seems like the woman quoted above stops at the first part.

Good one!

The article mentions Gen Z and Millennials. I’m a Gen Z who always said no upfront and don’t understand why flaky people don’t do this.
Do they intend to go then change their mind on the day or do they say yes in case they feel like it on the day?
I have Aspergers so understand feelings of anxiety around socialising but I find that not being at least a bit social increases those negative feelings so I have to stay in the routine of putting myself out there to sone extent. I am not super sociable but I like being invited.

Another thing I meant to add is that staying at home is much more enjoyable than it used to be, in that you can be entertained 24/7 by what's on TV.

Remember that 1980's parenting platitude - "you'll enjoy it when you get there"? Well 90% of the time it's actually true. If I only went to things when I actually felt like it immediately beforehand my life would be pretty small and boring. Similarly with my kids, quite often they moan and say they don't want to do sports training when they get out of school tired, but as soon as they get there and see their mates, they're as happy as Larry. I'm trying to get them to understand that "Motivation is a flaky mother fucker, but habit is your homeboy". If it's in the diary, just do it. You'll probably be glad you did.

Yes, of all the people quoted in the article, Kevin stuck out for me too. If you've arranged to go out for a walk with someone and on the day it's absolutely heaving it down, just meet for a coffee instead. It's not rocket science!

I got commended by a close friend recently for always honouring commitments. It is important to me to keep my word as integrity takes a long time to build, but can be demolished quickly. However, no one has ever commented on it in the past, I think it is becoming a rarer quality!

Regarding getting a better offer: I have a rule to stick to the event first agreed to. There has been the odd time where I have had to renege on an arrangement, but we're talking about being offered a free holiday versus a weekend away with friends. Plenty of notice time to rearrange the latter, and abject apologies. Being good friends, they understood.

To the poster who said none of her friends are flaky, you are very fortunate.

My mantra is unless you are covered in blood, unconscious, projectile vomiting or dead, you show up.