To leave my husband because of his depression?

Some people will insult you on here OP, with "you made your bed ", "in sickness and in health " etc as though you haven't already spent years in exactly this mindset. Living it.
I feel sorry for the daughters of these women. I hope they can express a little more humanity with their own daughters living in misery.
You matter OP. You deserve to happy. After all this time, you can leave if you want or need to.
Good luck.

What a sad situation

some people are comfortable in their misery and it’s very hard to accept this. They don’t actually want to change. I am not sure if this is the case for your dh and the reasoning behind this can be so complex but what can you do live a life of misery too

I can totally understand why you want to leave and feel you need to for a life that isn’t so heavy all the time and you deserve to be happy too

This is really sad to read, OP :(

My husband has depression too and I do worry about him a lot and our future. However, perhaps the difference is that we do have fun together still, and we have a good life, so maybe it is milder than your husband's. It's still hard at times though when he is down after work for no obvious reason etc.

I suppose you need to reflect and think about how much you love/ care for him and how how much you want to be with him, and of course the impact on your family of you separating. Marriage is hard and you are right, it's very different in your 40's with all the responsibilities than it is in your 20's. It's common for people to feel a strain at this point in their marriage, and the depression is putting an extra pressure on your relationship.

Is walking away from it the right solution for you? Only you can decide that but I think I would want to exhaust all of the options first, and see if I could make things better (assuming you still love and care for him underneath it all).

What kind of help/ support is he getting - does he recognise the issue and want to improve, or is he resigned to being this way?
Have you really talked about it with him properly and how it is affecting your marriage?
Have you considered couple's therapy? Has he had/ is he having his own therapy?

I just think it might be worth trying these options - but it really depends if you feel there is something there worth saving or not.

I do feel for you, this is really hard. I hope you find the right solution for you.

Magic mushrooms and truffles can help no end with mental health problems. You can order truffles from Amsterdam shops. I'll probably get banned for this. Or take a weekend break to Amsterdam where it's legal and see if it helps
I grew up with a mother who suffered from mental health problems and all I remember of her is this woman in bed all day never speaking, always miserable. There was ever any fun in our house. I couldn't wait to leave home for a new life.
Have all the medication options been explored?

Maybe our OP said “in sickness and in health but only for as long as it suits me”.

OP I'd try two things:

Get his medication adjusted/try new meds, get a specialist involved if feasible

Couples therapy. If he hadn't even told you about the antidepressants until after marriage communication is clearly not great, and you sound like you have no hope of communicating your needs to him. Possibly individual therapy too

If neither work, yes if course you're free to leave. He can't just dump his feelings on you forever more.

Living in misery isn't great for your kids.

What happened to "in sickness and in health"? You can't just bail because your spouse is ill.

Sounds like the family life is kind of wrecked anyway. Imagine the kids living with that level of misery day in day out.

Is your duty to the marriage vows more important than the children’s wellbeing? I would say the kids actually take priority.

That being said has he seen a psychiatrist? Has he got the best treatment? Is there anything else that can be done?

I left mine in the end. He had the ability to make even the best experiences miserable. For example, once we went on the trip of a lifetime, we talked about it later and he said he hated that trip because all he can remember is being hungry 🤨 we were a bit restricted on where we could eat because of my dietary issues but we saw all kinds of amazing sites and all he could do in retrospect was moan! It was like the opposite of rose-tinted glasses. I encouraged him to try counselling and to change antidepressants but he wouldn’t engage. It felt like he just wanted to be miserable and drag everyone around him down as well. Yet when I was upset about things, I was being dramatic or he just didn’t have any empathy for me. The competitive misery as well- no matter what you say, they are worse. Your work day was busy, there’s was worse. DD and I caught a cold, we were on holiday so we calpol/paracetamoled up and got on with it. The next week he caught it and it was full blown man flu. No-one had ever been as ill and suffered like he did! I remember when he started to moan he was tired when DD was a baby and EBF, I did all the night feeds..I said ‘don’t even try to do competitive tiredness with me, no-one will ever win!’
Splitting up was tough initially. Obviously monkey doesn’t go as far and I had to learn how to do DIY and be more independent. I had to clear out a lot of crap he left behind.
It gradually got easier. 3 years down the line, DD is far happier, I’m far happier. I’ve been promoted, I’ve met a lovely fella (not planning to move in for a while). XH is still miserable sod but somehow met someone else within a couple of weeks. When he told me (I had already guessed), genuinely my first thought was ‘Oh good; he’s got someone else to moan at now!’ 🙄😆
LTB is easier said than done, but I think you should consider it. Sounds like you do most of the donkey work anyway. I left not because I thought I’d be better off with someone else, but because I thought I’d be better off alone than in that miserable marriage. I was already happier but meeting DP was the icing on the cake.

If you can afford it, leave.

Don't underestimate how difficult/expensive it is to be a single mum. I co parent with a fully functioning, happy man. It's still hard work. Teenagers eat you out of house and home. Mine at 15 and 16 eat a lot, the price of food is high. House maintenance is also an ongoing concern.

If you can afford to be single, do it. You are no one's Florence Nightingale

The stress of a young family is a difficult time for most couples. Add in a medical condition or lack of mobility and it really is at breaking point.
The way I have coped is by carving out time for myself. Appreciate you work long days so maybe the weekend. Can he watch them while you get some alone time. Even a walk alone followed by a coffee and a book will help. I’ve honestly found the more time I get to do this the happier I feel. It’s time to concentrate on you, you don’t need to divorce to do this.

I’m struggling to understand why you would even marry someone thats never had a good day or smiled let alone have kids with them.

Talk to your husband first. Tell him you empathise with his physical and psychological pain but be firm with him about him needing to do everything he can to feel better for the whole family : seeing a profesionnal for his back and for his mental health. Also, try to have a life outside the family unit. If DH is better at home with DC then you go out and have fun with friends.

I am on medication for my mh but I keep my low mood to myself. I encourage DH to go out as much as he wants since I'm too tired in the evenings. I don't share my mood with DH and I don't complain. Why bring anyone else down? So there are ways to live with depression without being selfish.

Have you spoken to him about your feelings?

Life is too short. I stayed with my depressed DH because it was a short term depression brought on by something in particular that he took steps to deal with. It was still 2 years of awfulness that nearly broke me too.

I couldn't have lived long term like that.

I’d have a conversation about unhappy you are and what needs to change. Suggest counselling. Individual and couple. Give a time frame for improvement. Then if nothing changes leave.

Try looking into.microdosing or MDMA

OP has said he's always been like this. Why did she have children and partner with a man who never smiles or has a good day, he hasn't changed. OK he can't exercise now as his back is worse, but I think surely it's better not to wreck the family now, this is the bed you chose to lie in. It says to the kids that it's fine to abandon people when the going gets tough, and imagine their partners left them for similar reasons? You already work long hours, is that going to improve if you're a single parent? Will the kids not be with him a large chunk of the time?

I agree with checking he’s on the right medication at the right dose. My DP has depression but on the right dose is bright and funny and enjoys life. Give your DH an ultimatum about going to the GP with you. Your current situation is intolerable. If that doesn’t work then of course you have a right to leave

But the OP is stating that there isn't any 'health' is she just expected to give up enjoyment in her life also?

I find myself really envying people with husbands who smile. Who have hobbies. Who get some kind of enjoyment in their life.

Ones that aren't in constant pain, you mean?

Only you can decide OP but I don't believe marriage is an alter you sacrifice your life on.

Is he currently having therapy? Doing something about his back? Seeking alternative meds?