To leave my husband because of his depression?

… bullshit. Sorry but that really is. And it doesn’t sound like he’s contributing in the way of ‘supporting if any kind.

It's not going to be enhanced by breaking it up. With two parents who support each other when they can it surely has to be better than making life harder and more miserable for the pair of you. It also tells your kids that they must never become unwell or vulnerable, which they will learn if you abandon your partner.

Leave. You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

Dfriend is trapped in a similar situation. Her life is a misery. Her DH got far worse in his late 40s, his health now means he barely leaves the house. He’s a misery, and his moods affects everyone - including their now teen children. They too are having depression and anxiety issues and refusing to go to school- basically they are starting to mirror his behaviour.
And friend? She’s working, doing most of the kids stuff, liaising with school, dealing with him, responsible for everything from shopping to cooking g to organising. She’s trying to be ‘cheery’ to counteract his overwhelming negativity.
She was always afraid if she left he’d harm himself and that would be on her somehow, that she’d let the father of her children hurt himself and therefore them.

Leave. He’s not happy and perhaps NOT being in this relationship is the thing that will motivate him to make changes.

Leave, before you are trapped, and before your kids really start to suffer.I do think friend will leave him and it’s just a shame that she didn’t do it years ago and live her life. She’s so exhausted most of the time, I honestly do t know how she does it. If she comes out with us ( rare) or does something for herself ( rare) she’s punished for her absence and freedom by this miserable man with sulking.

Leave.

My mum was sick for the last fifteen years of her life and my dad didn’t leave her. It just wasn’t mental health that was the problem. He gave up a lot to look after her and didn’t have a lot of enjoyment either.

In this instance it ultimately comes down to how much of your wedding vows you want to live by. And only the OP can answer that. The sickness but can hit one year, forty years or never in a marriage and the promise isn’t based on guarantees.

I would leave him (I did leave mine). He was miserable and grumpy when we lived together and remains grumpy and miserable post divorce. I feel sorry for him but I don't want my life to be like that.

I think you are starting to check out of your marriage mentally. You need to make a decision but given what’s at stake I think you need to try everything you can first. First of all his anti-depressants don’t sound like they are working. He needs to go back to the GP and discuss this so they can tweak it and discuss any I try we therapies. Then get some more counselling so you can communicate how you are feeling/that change is needed for you to continue in your marriage.
Even if this helps, a part of you will have to just put up with this to a degree. The thing is, when someone has suffered with depression their whole life it becomes impossible to distinguish between what is the depression and what is just their personality. If he’s never been a joyful person he probably just isn’t. It’s just exacerbated by the depression.
If everything fails then you need to think about what your life will look like in the future when your kids have flown the nest. Does this life seem unbearable? What about if you got into poor health yourself and couldn’t distract yourself with hobbies etc. will he be able to pick up the slack when your own mental health is in decline?
How long can you realistically wait to leave? What are the financial implications of staying now vs. Leaving now or later?

If you’d posted about what a selfish man he is, that he doesn’t help with the kids, all the usual MN tropes people would be straight on to the LTB. But what people who haven’t lived with a partner suffering depression don’t always understand is that depression is by its nature a very selfish illness. The person suffering isn’t selfish but the effects of depression are. You need mental and emotional support too, you are human, but when someone is severely depressed and always has been then their mental health always takes priority. No one is caring for the carer.

If his depression is getting to the point where your own mental health is at stake then you do need to think about leaving. Your children need one parent in good mental health.

OP ignore all the people blaming you for either marrying him or not blindly staying with him. You matter too.

Living with someone with depression is awful in my experience . There's no joy, no fun, no kindness, affection or support for you, there's indecision, inability to help you bring up dc as they are unable to do basic admin tasks. Often anger or stonewalling towards you. In my experience all the things that make a marriage a marriage had gone.

I think you need some counselling on your own to help you decide. It doesn't sound like things will change for you but you and the dc matter.

My own moment came when ds asked me why his Dad never laughed or joked around like other Dads. I couldn't do it after that.

Depression is awful, but if you are depressed and have a young family then doing nothing to try to change or manage it is awful too. I would leave if he didn't care about the impact on you.

If he does care, then you can work on it together, and that's different.

I worked with a woman once who told me that her mum had stayed with her dad throughout a seven year depression, and that she wished she hadn’t. It was the only personal thing she ever disclosed to me. How do your children feel?

I'm shocked by how many people are saying leave without actually trying to fix things but I suppose this is Mumsnet.
Talk to your husband. Go to the doctor with him. Have couples counselling. Help him consider alternative physical exercise that he can manage. Look at the various different therapy options (counselling, NLP, CBT). Discuss hobbies.
Once you've fought as hard as you can to change things, if nothing has worked then yes that's the time to leave, and there should be no guilt on your part. And if he won't engage at all, then that will tell you that he's not interested in fixing things. But fight first because you might end up with a sparky happier man who you do actually love. And because trying to fix things is the right thing to do.
Edited to add: And I'm so sorry you're in this position, OP. But by taking action, you're forcing a change one way or another, so there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Sending a hug.

So cruel to the OP, ffs.

He didn’t disclose his depression ubtil
agter they were married. And it’s got worse and worse.

The OP's husband isn't lighting up her life though, and your attitude of blaming his depression on her isn't one of someone who understands depression.

Wow you really sound very unkind, do you realise that? Your guilting, passive aggressive, unhelpful, spiteful comment speaks volumes about you and does nothing to help the OP’s situation at all.

OP I would definitely try speaking to him with a counsellor and then for me the next step would be a trial separation to give him time to focus on changing. Ultimately he needs to help himself and he does not get to drag the whole family down with him. As adults our primary responsibility is to ensure we are as well as we can be to face our own life and no one can do that for us. He is abdicating his adult responsibilities to himself, his children and his wife.

My partner has depression. He's a joy to be around as he got on the right meds for him. He lights up my life. There are still bad days but he's wonderful.

A lot of shitty attitudes towards depression in this thread. Anyone reading with depression, I hope it doesnt get to you.

OP, leave him if youll just be in misery too and end up resenting him. Maybe he will be happier too, if this marriage isn't helping him be happy maybe it's a bad situation for him too, and by letting him go you're setting him free to find an environment where he can see some improvement to his mental health.

What help has your husband sought for his back? My husband hurt his back in 2023, suddenly just went one morning. He was in agony. We bypassed our GP and booked a chiropractor appointment. I knew the GP would give him pain killers, until a chiropractor/physio appointment came through - which would have been weeks. My husband lost 3 stone in weight, and once his back was rested, he started light exercise that the chiropractor gave him. I appreciate not all back issues are the same. Is it something that could get better with the right support? Perhaps tackling the back issue, if that could improve, would help your husband's mood? If he's on medication, is this the right one for him/correct dosage? Has he sought help through counselling for his depression? He's stuck in a vicious circle, which is dragging him down further, but with it, you as well.

It sounds like there is more he can be doing with the GP in terms of more/different anti depressants/talking therapy and input for his back. Can you encourage him to do that?

My DD was with a man for 8 years who had depressed. He wasn't good at taking his meds though. He too was always 'down' and it affected her day to day life. She became a shell of herself, but on weight etc. eventually she decided she couldn't do it anymore (they were still young, not married, no kids) and left. The change in her was immense. She became a happier, brighter person. Lost all the excess weight. Much more positive now.

There will be people on this thread who don't understand the reality of living with someone who has this illness, and will berate you for wanting to leave. Ignore them OP. It's your life. It's unlikely to change. You don't have to martyr yourself and stay. You're right in that leaving will likely bring emotional and financial struggles, but you will find a way to overcome them. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

comoatoupeira

People on mumsnet will just tell you to leave, it’s their stock response.
Talk it through with a couple’s therapist.

I agree to try something first- add to this almost everyone I know in real life has a dh who is finding life tough/ has found life tough recently- as in close to depression/ depressed - I think we’re talking about menopause more now but men have some midlife things too and feel wrecked and hard done by and add stupid testosterone etc and the result is misery. Also talk to him, your friends, your family, his family. This is something that has to change. Then obviously look at leaving and whether you’re happier as you being without him. Best of luck op, myself and dh are having problems and I’m definitely looking at other couples thinking ‘god what must it be like to be able to smile so easily’ x

It’s a sad situation and sad you feel like this. There is a real mental health crisis in this country and lack of help for those who need it, and there will be so many more men like your husband struggling. These other smiling husbands you see could well have their own struggles behind closed doors that you aren’t aware of, but may be better at keeping up appearances with those around them.

I think there is a chance you could regret leaving. Has he sought help/physio for his back? If he has and it hasn’t helped, then have you tried gauging from him whether other hobbies that aren’t so physical may help with his depression? In addition, does he get his antidepressants reviewed? Sometimes the dosage requires review or if not working well then a change in antidepressant. I had a review when I was on them at least every 6 months.

Gonna piss off some people by this, but I wouldn't wish a depressed person on anyone. My partner has depression and it is so far from a life I'd wish for.

Don't get me wrong, I love my partner, and no doubt anyone with a partner who has depression also loves them, but it's like being a carer with the added bonus of fear (if they're the 'un-aliving' sort). Every day is spent picking them up, every effort is met with a blank face, you yourself get no comfort or acknowledgement because they are always the priority... and if you're like me, there's that additional fear EVERY time you come home that they might not 'be there'.

You desperately cling on to those days that there was some iota of happiness or normality as if this is the 'real' them, but it never is. Affection, sex, etc (for me) is off the table too, and you get this lingering feeling that they purposefully try not to be happy, and avoid anything that picks them up.

If it gets really bad, you even get desensitised to the feeling that they might not be there tomorrow. Is that a person you want to be? Go beyond that, and you might even wish to be free of the situation.

My experience might not be yours. My advice would be to remember the freedom and happiness you have with friends and colleagues. This is the happiness you CAN have.

Another thought to add to my previous post - has he also had all the help/ intervention that he can get for his back?

It must be quite extreme if he cannot exercise at all. There's usually something that people can do to mobilise a bit more and make things better. Has he got a good physiotherapist/ osteopath/ personal trainer involved who understands his injury and can help him exercise safely? Or is it really so bad that he just can't?

What's the issue with his back? If it is musculo-skeletal he absolutely can exercise and it is advised you should. A physio can give advice on the right exercises.

What’s he actually done to rectify his problems? If nothing, I’d leave as it won’t get better, just worse.

I disagree. He hid the depression until after they were married.

Of course you can. And she is not bailing because he is ill, she is bailing because the relationship doesn't work for her, because she is miserable and because she doesn't love him. The OP deserves to think about her quality of life rather than being an emotional support animal to someone who is disengaged from life.
My ex was also depressed and had chronic pain. When I had a conversation about our relationship, he actually wasn't really in a place where he felt it was beneficial staying together. The guilt of seeing me unhappy and being unable to meet my emotional needs was making his situation much worse. So he was happier single and without having this pressure on top of everything else he was going through. We are much much happier as friends than partners.