To leave my husband because of his depression?

Ive been married 20 odd years and my husband has had depression cptsd since we got married. Apparently being loved did it for him. It has been really hard ive often tjought to leave but i took my vows seriously i feel guilt for even thinking it.

Have a chat with him with how it's affecting your mental health as well, he will probably be devastated that it is as he wouldn't want you to feel like he does. I imagine he's in a rut and hasn't even noticed how he is being so negative. Make a plan together for him to get a medication review as whatever he is on just now isn't working so it would be good for him to try something else. There's so many different ones and it took me 5 different ones to find one that worked. Therapy would be good for him on his own and even you both together as well? If he loves you he'd be open to try these things. If he isn't willing then that's different and he can't expect you to live feeling so unhappy. X

What about swimming OP? Can he do that? It sounds like he really needs to be exercising for the sake of his mental health and it is really important for his physical health too obviously. What is the cause of the back pain exactly?

The other thing I'd suggest if you decide to stay is doing some things that he can't/won't do without him so you're less affected by his depression. Take the kids on holiday or for a day out without him if he doesn't want to go, Have a couple of evenings a week where you do a hobby with friends or go to the gym.

Also definitely suggest he gets the meds looked at or upped as they don't sound like they're working. Therapy is also worth trying. I'd throw everything at it and give it a year say, if you're both still miserable in a year then decide where you want to go from there.

How old are the kids?

I do feel your pain but sometimes we enable this behaviour. IMHO as soon as you say you are leaving them, they find their mojo and turn their life around - often finding someone else using their happy self again. You want to be happy. I prayed for 20 years for my exDH to find happiness but came to the conclusion that people can only change if they want to, or forced to.

And also you are not ‘leaving him because of his depression’ if that was the case you would have left years ago when you found out, but you didn’t leave. You stayed and tried to ‘help’ him.
But it hasn’t worked.
You have run yourself into the ground for him.
Has he helped himself?

How proactive is dh @CeciliaMars ?
Or how accepting is he of you being involved?
Sending you a hug and a handhold. Please ignore the meaner posts. It's so hard living the way you are now. Xx

I agree and ‘in sickness and in health’ cuts BOTH ways, it’s not a one way street! The healthy person deserves love too.

I would recommend 2 books to you :
Women who love too much
and
Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Get some therapy and support for yourself.
You don’t have to make any decisions today, this week or even this year. You just need to figure things out. Gather information.
Neither option (staying or leaving) is easy. You need time and support. You also need love, which you will have to give yourself because your husband is unable.

one more thing, those mean one liner posts are just messers. Don’t take it to heart. Take the good stuff from the thread and I just wanted to wish you all the best x

Same for me. I always comment on depressed husband threads as I went through it and it was awful but we got through it. As pp have said, it's hard to get motivated to try stuff when you're depressed so it's appropriate for you to get involved and help him eg research therapists etc. But he has to be willing to work with you on it- if the willingness isn't there then you're stuck. Try everything- if he's long term depressed he probably had some difficulties in his childhood that need unpacking with an expert psychologist. Definitely experiment with different meds too and as pp have said there is microdosing etc- so many things he could try. I would share with him that you're thinking of leaving to help him take it seriously- I did with my dh and he heard me and got on board. Even now that he's mostly better he still practises his cbt skills like noticing when he's getting grumpy and trying to positively reframe his thoughts- he does it out loud to me so I can help and join in. If you approach it as a team I'm sure he can improve but he has to be willing. You only get one precious life OP and so do your kids- I was really firm with dh as my dad was depressed when I was a kid and it really affected me and I'm not having that for my kids. Good luck OP!

You wouldn't be ending your marriage due to hus depression, you'd be ending it due to your resentment .

Could you work through any issues, perhaps have counselling?

It may be beneficial for dh to have a medication review, he may fare better on other antidepressants.

She has been in this situation for 15 years and she doesn't love him any more. He hid his depression diagnosis from her until after they were married.

People can end relationships whenever they want. At the moment, both OP and her DH are miserable.

I wouldn’t leave him in this scenario without trying to help support him to get better. Has he explored therapy, counselling, alternative medication? Sometimes a change in medication is key.

Under the same circumstances EXACTLY the same. In fact it could be a man posting but changing gender for a ‘fairer’ view as MN can be hard on men sometimes in relationship
stuff.
exactly the same. I once shared a flat with someone with depression/ mood swings and I remember the dread of putting the key in the door not knowing which version we were going to get. Friendly, Angry, dismissive, self-pitying, hectoring etc etc
Such a relief when they moved on eventually

A big factor for me in dh's depression was how much he was willing to help himself or let me help him. Or even admit there's a problem.

How much is he helping himself?

For example, with his bad back if he's seeing a physiotherapist or similar, is he doing the at-home exercises they prescribe to enhance movement and relieve pain?

For his depression, has he given up alcohol, reduced sugar and caffeine intake? Does he eat healthily, reduced screen-time and ensure 8 hours sleep a night?

He knows exercise helps him and his mood, so does he ensure that he at least takes a gentle walk each day, getting exercise and vitamin D?

Or does he just sit at home and moan?

I do understand, I have a DH with a medical condition that impacts on my life too.

Have you actually told him that his daily attitude is having such a negative effect on you?

It's not unreasonable to want to end a relationship if it's not working, but I think it's unfair not to give the other person the opportunity to rectify things if they can.

He may genuinely not realise how negative he is being and how this is affecting you.

If you have been down this road with him already and nothing has changed, then it probably never will. But if you haven't voiced your feelings, how does he know?

Living with my DH can be draining at times, but he is aware of this, and is also very keen for me to have time for myself, go away with friends etc. It works because we are on the same page.

I think people are losing sight of one aspect of depression, it does suck all the drive out of a person, so when people are saying he should be doing more to help himself, a symptom of his illness is finding that incredibly difficult.

OP if you love him and feel like he's worth the effort then get all the help, perhaps encourage him to change his medication - what's he taking now? Sometimes people sit on the wrong meds because they're slightly better, there are options which might give him his spark back. I found Sertraline keeps me being myself rather than a zombie like I was in Citalopram. He has options.

Take walks together, try mindfulness classes, these things help and if you haven't already tried them give them a go.

He's suffering. I know you don't have to stay with him, but if there's a chance you can get your husband back then work for it.

This is my Dfriends husband in a nutshell. He revels in it. Although I know that too is part of his depression. It makes him feel important.

Just because someone is divorcing does not mean they should be unsupportive to each other. Staying is teaching the kids that they don't matter because the whole household has to dance to the tune of the one person who is unwell and unwilling to help themselves. It teaches the kids to abandon their own happiness for the sake of someone else. It teaches them to walk on eggshells for the fear of upsetting someone they love who has no capacity to care for them or love them back. Is that really what we want to teach our children. How do you think it might impact on their future relationships?

As far as people citing vows from 1500s... the partners vow to cherish and love each other "in sickness and in health". It's not just one partner who is supposed to be loving and supportive. It very much means that even if I am sick, I am still supposed to be loving and caring to my spouse and not just leave it up to them to do all the loving and caring.

What would the response be if ops husband said he wants to leave because she has depression.

Its not a popular thing to say, but the fact is, some people are very comfortable in their depression, it means they don't have to work as much, aren't expected to pull their weight, sleeping in on demand, their family revolves around them, always trying to please them etc, much easier than facing your shit and dealing with it like a responsible parent and partner. If he had tried everything, I'd have more empathy for him, as I've been there, but it seems to me like he hasn't, and is content to make it everyone else's problem.

Maybe they didn’t say ‘sickness and health’ ‘love and obey’ - we didn’t.
Give her a break. Why are women always expected to sacrifice everything for the family. Men sure as hell aren’t.
Why is she expected to take him to the doctor, explore all that?
Perhaps couples counselling might help, but I doubt it. I can’t imagine he would go. Both parties have to be willing.

How is your husband about helping himself? Does he get his medication reviewed as and when it’s necessary? Would a higher dosage/different medication help? Therapy? Couples counselling? You say he used to exercise a lot and it made him happy which is great, it shows there’s something non medicinal that helped him, he can find something to help again.

I have had depression since I was a child and I see it as my responsibility to know myself- when I’m just having a bad week or when I need to see a doctor. That’s key here I think. If your husband is willing and able to make changes to improve things then imo the relationship is worth saving. If he isn’t willing to deal with things then there’s not much you can do.

Your family finances are going to get a hit with divorce and two separate households. Would you consider going part-time first and see if things improve?

That sounds really difficult.

Does your h know how you're feeling?

Can you talk openly to him about how you feel and what you're thinking?

Is your h doing everything he can to manage and treat his depression and back?