To leave my husband because of his depression?

Well maybe the DH didn’t either. My DH had had one depressive episode before we married and had recovered and put it behind him. He thought and had been given most common prognosis of good job, in time you can probably wean off Anti-DS like the vast majority of people who get depression.

It wasn’t until he had multiple relapses over a couple decades that he found out & doctors admitted he has chronic depression- Major Depressive Disorder- and it will be a lifetime of keeping it in check, and he will need Anti-Ds until the day he dies.

Which is ok. I need my asthma inhaler every day until I die too. Diabetics need their insulin, it be what it be.

I took that out.

OP have a talk with him first. Tell him you're thinking of separating because he doesn't seem happy, like ever and maybe a different path in life might make him more satisfied.

My DH has chronic depression and is on Anti-Ds. It took a lot of cattle prodding but he finally got a therapist (so he isn’t dumping on me) and went to the GP to switch his Anti-Ds because after a few years he needs to switch up it’s like his body gets immune to whatever he is on, and for blood tests & scans about his physical issues (constant really bad back, shoulder, hip, & knee pain). He has a severe Vit D deficiency and rn hoping that the physical issues are down to the deficiency as it could have been some kind of inflammatory auto-immune thing like psoriatic arthritis or rheumatoid arthritis- which came back normal.

See if you can nudge your DH to take ownership of his health. If he can make progress he will feel better.

What is he doing to help himself? What has he done about his back? How is his weight? His sleep? Has he looked at alternative forms of exercise? He can't just accept his lot and expect you to accept it too, if he doesn't want to try and get better that's his choice but it doesn't have to be yours.

Exactly.

OP didn't find out about his depression until after they were married.

It is so hard to live wi the someone like this. I've done it for nearly 20 years and find myself not talking muhh ch now at all because whatever I say he responds negatively

It's not just that though, is it? It sounds like even if you had pots of money, neither of you had to work etc he still wouldn't be someone you could have fun with.

My take on it would be largely driven b his willingness to fully accept that he is ill and take the advice and treatment being offered. I get that being checked out of managing his depression might hinder that, but if he wasn't taking meds, eating the boring health food and taking the mandated walks, I don't think I could support him. There is an element of understanding that he may not always achieve everything every day but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

Edited to add: do you see any path where this gets better?

So did he knowingly have depression before the wedding but only disclosed it to.you after the wedding?

I am the main carer for my Dh with dementia. I will always be here for him, but be under no illusion it is tough going. Whilst I would never leave, optimising meds is very important. Dementia and depression are commonly link so anti-depression medication is very important. Similarly talking therapies (in early stages), can also be very useful. Also make sure that you do things for yourself as well. Your health and wellbeing are important and you need to make sure there is time for you.

It sounds cruel to say this, so I will preface it by saying that I have mental and physical health struggles myself. I think that a lot of these problems are actually incompatible with having any sort of relationship. I left my partner when my illness struck as I felt it wasn't fair to inflict my problems on others. These days I don't tell work colleagues anything about myself, and I only interact with people socially when I am able to act like a normal person. Yes, it is lonely as hell, but that is just the reality.

Like others have said, he can still be a good father even if not living with you. In fact b- it might make him sort himself out a bit, he’ll need energetic to be managing the kids.

@ByHardyAquaFox no she didn’t. She found out AFTER they got married.
So perhaps she should be given a pass given his deception?

The obvious question from me is: can anything be done to help him deal with his back issues? Is this is a degenerative condition that is not fixable and will only get worse and more painful with time, or is it a condition that can be managed or improved with medication and/or physical therapy? Because it seems that this is a big part of the problem - he's depressed because he can't exercise and this is having a horrible impact on his MH, his demeanor and your relationship.

If the answer is 'No', nothing can be done about his back, all avenues have already been explored and options exhausted, then what about his MH? Has he seen his GP? Does he take medication? Has he engaged with therapy? Would he, if not? Does he understand the impact that his low mood has on you and your feelings towards him? Does he understand that you are considering ending the marriage as a result of his low mood and the way it negatively impacts you?

I'm generally not in favour of ditching a good man who is a good father unless all avenues of help have been fully explored. As you recognise yourself, this will blow up your life and your kids' lives. It will be difficult and destructive and it will lead to a level of financial adjustment/hardship, so IMO you need to be sure that pushing the nuclear button is your only option.

@CeciliaMars if it helps at all - I am ND, I am medicated, I have my challenges with depression and physical things.

BUT, I am a can-do person who wants to be happy, and no one ever has to prod me to do self care, or go to the GP to adjust my medication, or try something new for aches etc.

Many people leave marriages as they have simply grown apart - you can leave for any reason at al. I wouldn’t plough on for the sake of the kids, I’d ask for a fair and amicable split, with both of you staying local and just moving on separately.

Yeah, harsh, but I wouldn't have bothered at first place.

He can still be a great dad half the week. Leave.

Never mind the for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, hey?
You knew this when you got married to him.

Surely you can understand that some people can't just hide it, and can't find the motivation to do what they need to do? Depression is not identical for everyone.

OP's DH is a victim of a debilitating illness, and I'm sure he'd very much love to feel better. It's shit for everyone, but it's not his fault. He needs help to help himself.

I'm not saying OP should stay regardless, of course there comes a point where a person can take no more, but I don't think suggesting he's not doing enough (when that is a common symptom of the condition he's suffering from) is fair.

It sounds like you are getting depressed yourself now which is understable. I think you owe it to your children to look at helping him to get better treatment though. Also couples therapy could help. Ultimately if nothing changes it might be best to leave though.

I was with someone who wasn’t depressed, but did have a condition that worsened their personal behaviours over time. I tried so hard, tried to support and suggest ways that didn’t wholly change him but at least compromise on how we both could manage. Never stuck for long and once resentment seeps in, it’s game over (whatever words you say at the alter). Lucky for me, I never went down a legal commitment route, so no old misogynistic vows to guilt me into staying. Worked out better for us both - whilst he’s still not the person I’d choose to be with now, he’s making active changes. And whilst I’m not living a grand life, I’m better off mentally and financially. Ultimately, it’s a far better environment for the children, who have two parents living more fulfilling lives rather than one cloud of gloom who’s siphoning the life out of the other.

The thing that stood out the most to me is the fact you're not sure if you love him anymore. If that's the truth, then yes it's best if you leave, even if it's a really tough thing to do.

It absolutely was enhanced by breaking up. The negativity moved out with my ex-husband. Our DD was sad for a few weeks / months about the break up and the house move but we got a lovely place just the two of us nearer to my family. My house is filled with joy and laughter and DD is also joyful now. We have fun together (which we never did with him around sucking the positivity out of EVERY SINGLE thing). She seems him EOW (or at least did but he ditched her recently as he is struggling again so now doesn't want to bother seeing her). I was happy for it to be more but it's settled here on both sides.

Before there were 3 miserable people now there is only one... Sounds like a win to me!

Leave.

I say that as someone who has had depression/mental health issues for decades.

It must be soul destroying to be with someone who sucks all the joy out of life for you and your kids.

You have given 15 years of your life to him already.

As someone with depression I never take out my moods on other people and I do everything I can to improve my situation (meditation, meds, exercise, hobbies). There is a responsibility on the person with the condition to take all possible action to manage it.