To leave my husband because of his depression?

As usual you've had some unkind posts @CeciliaMars but please don't let them get to you. Yes, you said in sickness and in health but what makes the difference for me is how much a chronically ill person tries to help themselves and how honest they were with you from the start. If someone knows they have a problem, be it mental or physical, they should be honest, not hiding it to trick someone into marrying them.
Your DH hid his depression and it sounds like he's totally checked out on helping himself, he didn't give therapy a chance to help, he's not hounding his Dr for a change in medication, he doesn't seem to care that he's making life miserable for his wife and his DC.
I'd give him one last chance Op, tell him you're unhappy too and you need him to make a real effort to get better or you'll have to part

Can you afford to do it alone?
Could you manage if he decides not to ever have the kids?

I think it's reasonable to want to leave. But you should commit to being single until kids leave home because so many men are just horrible and you will need to put the kids first. There is no gaurentee the grass is greener so you shouldn't leave to find a better partner. It's also not fair on the kids or your husband. Leaving to do it alone being prepared to have 50/50 is completely different and that is acceptable in my mind.

But I still enjoy spending time with them. I still enjoy talking with them. They still show that they care about me. Even though it's hard the person that I married is still there.

That seems to be what’s missing here.

I think you should lay it on the line how you are feeling? Have you told him?

Tell him you need to see change and that you can’t live like this anymore. Tell him you will be leaving if no improvement.

I bet if you did leave, he would soon do something.

Ahhhh ok. Wouldn't call that a drip feed, more getting someone to marry you under flase pretences.

Could you live apart together? Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall style.

If family life has made him more depressed maybe you all just need more space as a family. This way, you’d get space from his depression, he’d get space from the daily grind and would probably be a better husband and father for it.

Based on this update since he won't do anything to help himself then yes 100% I would leave him. We have a rule in our house - you moan about it then we come up with a solution. If he won't explore any solutions even just for his drinking or back problem then it's a No from me and I'd be gone. Live your life before it's gone.

My OH is struggling with a debilitating illness. Can't get out of bed many days. I think the last time we went somewhere together that wasn't the GP was a few months ago. I frequently have to bring dinner upstairs for them.

But I still enjoy spending time with them. I still enjoy talking with them. They still show that they care about me. Even though it's hard the person that I married is still there.

No-one ever said that making a lifelong commitment to another person was always going to be easy, but you put the hard work in for the sake of your love for the other person.

So put aside all the things about how difficult life is, and consider whether the person you fell in love with is still there, if you can find your way back to them, or have one or both you changed so much over the years that the love is gone and there's no getting it back?

People sometimes fall out of love even without health issues, (or domestic abuse or cheating, or some other trigger that makes it easier to justify). Just because people always change, and if a couple don't change together then they can drift apart. And sometimes that ends marriages. So, if you're not in love any more, then whether your DH is depressed, or ill, is neither here nor there. You wouldn't be happy anyway.

So that's what I would work on finding out. Do you still love him? Why did you fall in love with him, and can you still see those things about him? Does he show that he cares about you?

I think @Mirabai meant that the husband was drip feeding information about his medical condition?

What is he doing regarding the depression and back issues?

Swimming is great if you have a bad back and exercise is excellent for depression.

Medication review? I find it strange people say I'm depressed and I'm on medication. If you're depressed on medication, the medication isn't working. See your Dr and change the medication or adjust the medication. Ideally see a psychiatrist.

What's his support system like? Does he have therapy? Support group? Friends?

Does he do any other strategies like journalling or meditation?

Diet? Good nutritious food, vitamins including vitamin D?

Physiotherapy for his back?

Depression is awful but I'd lose patience with living with Eyore for decades.

What?

The husband!

It was in her second post. Hardly a drip feed!

I don’t think it was intentionally so, she was responding to all the ‘you married him like this’ remarks and it turned out she wasn’t in full possession of the facts. I think even if you knew though, you don’t really ‘know’ until you live with it. You don’t know the effect it is going to have on your children because they don’t exist yet.

Getting married isn’t a life sentence. It means both people committing to it, one person can’t be doing the work of both people.

It’s not easy.

That’s a pretty major drip feed.

This.

You can only keep faith with a person who won’t help themselves for so long.

The reality from here on is a long slow slide downwards into chronic ill health.

It’s possible that OP leaving may galvanise him into action, he may be too stuck in his groove by now for even that.

OP has said:

'I didn't know about the depression when I married him. He told me after the
marriage that he'd always been depressed and on medication in adulthood.'

Her DH obviously knew but failed to tell her before marriage.

Could you go to couples counselling and let him know how this is affecting you?

Would he be open to trying CBT? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It works wonders for many people (not all people). It’s a way of reframing the way a person thinks, in simple terms. This might help him, so he’s not always down. And you don’t feel the energy being sucked out of your life.

I think his unwillingness to exercise, undertake counselling and give up booze tip me into the 'Leave' camp. He isn't doing everything he can to be his best self, and so he is not supporting you.

I have a DS who has severe depression. He works his backside off to be the best person he can be, seeks out help, develops good coping strategies (and yes, that does mean hobbies, activities and social events even when maintaining that is hard!) and stays off substances. Alcohol is a depressant.

Your DH is coasting and letting his illness impact his family more than it has to. Remember that.

Ahh ok - yeah, I'd not listen to anyone saying "in sickness and in health" as a reason to guilt you into staying.

It's like not declaring a preexisting medical condition but expecting your insurers to pay out when you suffer from it abroad.

he has to want to change, and doesnt sound like he does. You might have to seperate so he knows you are serious - address his mental and physical health or you are going to save yourself and the kids.

I think its unfair on you that he didn't tell you he has severe depression until after you were married.
If the only issue is his depression and you would stay with him if he could change things, then I would consider one last ditch effort.
Its usually easier for the person who lives with us to see if our mood has slipped., so I'd start by saying that. Tell him you've noticed his mood is low. Ask him to see his GP and try a different type of SD or a higher dose, plus CBT for the way he manages his moods.
If he refuses, then consider your options.

You have been kind, supportive and caring - for 15 years ! Give yourself a break OP, he doesn’t want to get better because at the moment he gets to work part time and he has given himself an excuse for an easier life, while you are the donkey that carries the load.
You are a single parent effectively anyway, so honestly I would leave for a better life- it’s not getting better with him and you seem to know this.