Am I wrong? And what shall I do? *content warning SA* added by MNHQ

Oh my goodness, OP. This has to be the most upsetting and shocking experience I’ve read about here on Mumsnet. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Well done on getting him out of your life. Sending you a big hug and lots of strength as you decide what to do next. You’ll find lots of support here on MN.

I can’t imagine how you feel. You need to focus on yourself, he’s taken advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable. It might help to speak to a doctor /nurse/ professional about this to navigate this horrific experience and make sure you are ok.
You should report him to the police but if you don’t feel strong enough just yet a professional will be able to help you and provide some support.

He is continuing to harass you and needs to be stopped. Personally I would archive and mute rather than block at this stage, to gather more evidence against him. You can’t view the messages and won’t get notified (at least my mob doesn’t).
He has committed a crime and I sincerely hope you get justice OP.

Please hand the footage over to the police. You won't be the last person he does this too. I bet it's the tip of the iceberg. I dread to think what else is on his phone. The only reason Giselle Pellicots husband was caught was because someone reported him for doing the same thing to women in the supermarket. Just because you're not a stranger makes it no less dreadful. I would ask the police to seize his phone and computers

ugh this is so true. It’s so fucking annoying. Like maddening annoying. Like literally turn you mad annoying. It’s so hard to stand up to them or tell other people about their behaviour because you know that they will so convincingly lie and the other person either won’t believe you, or will be unsure and/or uncomfortable being “in the middle”. So you just don’t bother and try to keep the peace.

But honestly op your sons shouldn’t be around him and should know the truth - he will be filling their heads with abusive tendencies even if it’s super subtle and long term. He WILL turn them against you. Tell them now. Get the police involved - do you have any evidence? Make sure they know that men who do this kind of thing are revolting. The longer you let him talk to them the more leverage he has to say “well why would she have let her sons talk to me if I was an evil pervert?” He will make it out that you didn’t tell them because he never did anything. And use the fact you’ve allowed contact to prove it.

I’d go so deep tbh I’d probably make them watch age appropriate films about abuse, go to a local event/volunteer for a domestic abuse charity, do the freedom programme or whatever similar thing you can do for men/non abusers wanting to be an ally… (although men get abused too so not necessarily a bad idea to ensure they can spot red flags in partners anyway). I’d make my friends gather round me to show them that a community wouldn’t accept this behaviour.

Go full fucking victim, ensure you’ll beat him at his own game, and cut him right out.

•edited to add age appropriate films like a YouTube ‘what is domestic abuse’ video

Have my first leave the bastard. This is so, so bad- please report to the police and eject this scum from you and your children's lives x

For starters. I think Sexual assault is a far far worse crime than benefit fraud.

Hi, OP. My heart goes out to you. If you dont feel sure about or ready to go to the police yet, have a look at sexual assault support in your area. They will be able to help you decide what you want to do, and provide support while you do it. I am so sorry this happened to you. Echo earlier comments - he cried cos he was caught, not because he was sorry. Might be helpful to remind yourself of that.

It’s not a case of feeling abused you have been abused both sexually and financially. You’ve got all the footage there to take to the Police if you’re wanting to go down that route. Neither the Police CPS or Jury can um and arr when there’s video evidence. The beast was crying because he was caught.
I don’t need to tell you do I Please get rid this relationship will not get any better, i promise you. To continue on this Relationship is not only bad for you it’s bad for your children. Obviously I can’t say for sure or make any accusations but I would be very shocked if you were the first women he’s done this too.

She isn't responsible for his actions. Don't put that on her.

Did he know that you were setting the camera up?

If so, wtaf did he think would happen when you saw?

Was he so sure that he could talk his way out of it or convince you that it was OK?

I think you have to stop him from contacting your sons.

He is absolutely disgusting.

No way in hell it’s the first or only time he’s done this and I bet he does other stuff too. Report it, for other women’s sake if not your own.

First post gets it once again!

Please report him to the police. You have proof, too, so there's no disputing what happened!

He's on benefits and presumably CHOOSES not to work.
He doesn't contribute to any household payments.
He wanks whilst taking indecent photos of you whilst you sleep.

What a vile, repugnant excuse of a "man". Please tell the police, also block him on every social media.

1- back up your camera recording, and give it to the police

2- block him from your kids as pp said

3- do you have access to his phone? or wherever he is backing up these photos? ask the police about what to do with these, ask them to take note of this as evidence. a bit of a double edged sword - you dont want to delete them just yet as they are evidence on his phone. but you want to delete them so he cannot share with outside world or threaten you with doing so.

4- this is not your fault - dont let him make you think so and be strong. he is not the man you thought he was. he is dangerous and needs to be kicked out asap.

💐

Also, that shame you are feeling , it’s a useless emotion. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You did nothing wrong and simply trusted a man that presented as a bit of a twat but you didn’t know he was doing this. Be bringing charges and seeing him prosecuted you could potentially free yourself of this feeling and know that it was 100% him and completely and utterly his choice to violate you. He did it knowingly. It was a choice he made repeatedly and his trying to cover it up highlights this and reinforces that he knew 100% he was in the wrong.

Of course you don't but sadly I wouldn't put it past this creep to send them the photos himself!

As always, top comment absolutely nails it!

Op I know this is horrific to deal with but you rapt should consider going to the police. He could have been drugging you and done much worse. I know it’s hard to consider going to the police but you have actual evidence that goes hugely in your favour. The police really are very good at dealing with these sorts of crimes and you will have designated support workers and be treated with the utmost respect throughout. I have been through it myself and while it was brutal and hard to actively discuss what happened to me, it gave me the energy and impetus to hold my head up and process what happened and to regain some self confidence. Therapy also helped.

sending you hugs.

I think you should bloody back off a bit here rubyringster! Remember you're speaking to someone with SA trauma and maybe hold off some victim blaming please.

She maybe subconsciously thought something was going on at night and good thing she did as she never would have uncovered her abuse if she gave him a heads up!

You also need to ask him for access to his phone to his PC to everything and wipe it and from the 28 day memory too.

Thank god you found out OP. Imagine how many other women out there are being used and filmed without consent.

Imagine if it had gone on longer. It has shades of Dominique Pelincourt the monster rapist from Avignon.

hi OP, firstly I want to say that I am so sorry this has happened to you and secondly I am full of admiration for the way you are dealing with it. He has violated not only your body but your spirit and to have done these hideous acts while you were asleep and vulnerable in your own home is depraved. Well done for getting rid of him and for not letting him manipulate you by playing on your empathy. I hope that each day will find you stronger, even though I am sure there will be times when the shock of what you have been may persist . Wishing freedom and only good things for you.