To ask this from my friends?

I would absolutely want to help in this situation. I think a clear idea about how they can help would actually be beneficial for your friends, lots of people want to help out but don't know what to offer. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

We did exactly this when my friend was in hospital for several weeks and her partner was looking after the kids plus working.

We had a WhatsApp group of people who were broadly willing to help. Her partner would ask if he needed someone to collect the kids or have them for a few hours or drop off some shopping etc. The beauty of it was that he didn't have to feel he was putting individuals on the spot by asking - he could just ask the group as a whole and different people would say yes to different requests if they were available.

Good luck OP xx

It would rub you up the wrong way even if it was your friend suffering with stage 4, desperate for help?

I'd do it. Ask. The ones who won't will just politely not be available when you need them, the rest will be glad of having a way to help you through

Yeah exactly. I'm usually the first to cry Useless Husband but in this case he has plenty on his plate as well and I'd be just as happy to lighten his load as the OP's.

And to those saying her dh needs to step up.

Of course he does. And I'm sure he is. But you do realise that plenty of people live with stage 4 cancer for years, depending on the type of cancer. And so life also has to go on, which includes having to earn a living to support your family.

Not all jobs make balancing that with caring for a family easy and the op asking for support doesn't mean her dh isn't doing everything he can

And if he's not, and isn't supporting the op, then doesn't she need her friends more not less?

Absolutely reasonable, I'd happily do this for any of my friends, or the mums in DC's classes etc.

Often people want to help but don't want to overstep, and so they make vague "If you need anything..." type offers that are difficult to take up. It'll actually be easier for them if you make a specific request and they most will likely be happy to help where they can.

Please ask your friends this. I would be absolutely happy to help with no expectation of any kind of repayment even for an acquaintance in your position.

Agree with the suggestion to ask individually first before creating the group though.

Sending you a big virtual hug

I'd help if I could, but I also agree with this. Ask them separately.

Hope you beat the blasted thing! I'm sorry.

I’ve been part of a group like this for someone in the same situation. She messaged everyone individually to explain what the request was, then if we said yes we were added to the group.

It was a great way for people who knew and liked her but weren’t “best buddies already knowing everything that’s going on” to help - I was exactly that person who would say “let me know what I can do to help” but I didn’t know if she was coming up to a hard bit of treatment and could proactively offer. There were enough of us that someone was usually able to help, and it was nicer to be asked as a group rather than her or her DH trying to work out which of the people to reach out to each time. It was the same sort of timescales you’re talking about - once every now and again.

Best of luck to you and hope it helps xx

I think it is a good idea and guess that at least some of your friends will be glad to sign up. But I think you have to tell them in return exactly what is going on with your treatment. Apart from anything else it may be relevant to how your DC behave while they are with them. I do hope things work out well for you.

Yes but its usually pretty obvious when someone genuinely needs help and when someone is taking the mick. Asking for help with school runs because you can't be bothered or asking for help because you are busy getting your nails done or asking for regular childcare whilst you work because you don't want to pay for after-school club etc are examples of piss taking behaviour. The ops situation is totally different and I'm sure other people will realise that.

Of course you could ask, but in reality your DH is going to have to step up - does he realise this? He can't hide behind his job forever.

Unfortunately some people, not necessarily the ones you would expect, really let you down when it comes to these sorts of situations. Obviously really hope this isn’t the case for the OP, but I think it’s better to manage expectations so as not to get hurt.

I’d want to help my friend in this situation.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please do ask your friends. I’d do this in a heartbeat.

If this feels hard for you to ask, here’s a different perspective: it can be incredibly hard to cope with the feeling of helplessness when someone you care about is struggling with serious illness. Giving your friends concrete ways they can help is an act of kindness to them as well.

@honeyteddybear I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and what you’ve been going through-sounds like it’s been very tough.

I would echo PPs and say it would probably be better to contact each person directly to let them know, let them each have time/space to react, and then depending on their reaction, ask for what help you’d like.

I know this isn’t fair on you, but speaking from personal experience, some people won’t react how you’d expect/hope. This way you’ll be able to gauge reactions and then save yourself the upset of approaching for help only to be blanked, which is very hurtful IME.

I would do all you can to get paid support in place so you’re less reliant on others. So if the au pair isn’t very good, could your DH give her notice and look for someone else?

Personally if you were my friend I’d want to be asked and to give you support. It’s hard to comment on your specific situation as it depends on how close you are to these friends/if they are generally supportive etc, also in practical terms, how much would doing this for you impact them? E.g. if they have kids at the same school and you’re round the corner, that’s very
different to if they don’t have kids there and you’re a 30 minute drive away.

I have been seriously unwell. Not cancer but think going from fully active to only managing a few hours work a week and largely housebound. Have been very underwhelmed by the amount of support from close friends. So I think just to manage your expectations, mainly to protect yourself, and if you get more help, then that’s a big bonus. Maybe have a think if there’s any other things that people could help with that would make a big difference to you, but are more one-off? Gives people a range of ways to help?

Really wishing you all the best xx

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think you should reach out to see what help can be provided amongst friends.

I have stepped in and helped other Mums because I could. One would park her car behind mine and I would walk her well DD into the school playground when her other child was sick. I did offer to collect her from home.

I have parked on another Mum's drive and walked her well child to school whilst she stayed home with her sick toddler then I just came back and collect my car.

I have had a lovely friend drop her 2 children to my house at 7.30am a few times and taken them to school along with my two children because her boss was being an arse and trying to force her to change her hours by scheduling meetings at 8am when her day starts at 9am.

You can ask.

A friend of mine did this. She has to have major surgery recently and told her friends/DC's friends' parents about it. Obviously she got loads of generic offers to help so a WhatsApp group was set up for her DH to be able to ask for ad hoc help while she was out of action for a few months. The school were also given a list of names of parents who had permission to take their DC home with little or no notice. A few of us also had regular, specific arrangements during this time (her eldest came to mine one specific day a week after school for a few hours to help with kid activity logistics!).

Worked really well and any requests were quickly picked up. Also helped each of us to see other responses so there was no guilt if you couldn't support on a particular day - you'd know someone else had stepped up.

Sorry you are in this horrible situation and I do hope your ongoing treatment is going well.

Definitely start the group and ask for help. Some will step up massively and some won’t. It probably won’t be the ones you expected.

I personally wouldn’t use the word‘forever’ as that could be quite daunting. If you are clear about your diagnosis they will likely understand. Perhaps saying’the foreseeable future’ would be slightly softer?

It would help everyone if you can explain clearly what you need. Lots will just say ‘of course, let me know’. If you tell them you’ll find they will fall into different roles. Some might find the school run easy, others will offer to pick up shopping or do some ironing while chatting to you.

Are you getting all the financial support you are entitled to?

Good luck x

I've also got stage 4 cancer (I've currently got an AMA post running which I need to get back to). I've been open with friends since day 1 and I have a couple of WhatsApp groups in which I ask for help when needed, we've even sent the kids off to friends' overnight last minute a few times. People want to help in my experience.

Sorry you're going through this shitshow too.

I can't speak for anyone else but if an acquaintance, let alone a friend, asked this of me the answer would be absolutely, yes. Any decent person would if they possibly could. YANBU.

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

Don't automatically add them to the group, only add them if they are willing and able to be part of it.

But 100% I would help in any way I could.

I am so very sorry for your very demanding and painful situation. If you spread the request around several people, nobody is being asked to do a huge amount! I live alone, last year had chemo so depleting I was not really safe to drive, and six different friends were amazing about ferrying me to appointments, infusions etc.

Sorry for your diagnosis. I think you would need to word it carefully though. There are so many threads on mn about cf mums who ask for one lift and then expect it their child to be taken every week.