To ask this from my friends?

I'd be really upset if a friend needed help and didn't ask. Frankly I'd help a stranger, let alone a friend. Please ask.

I definitely wouldn't mind helping a unwell friend out. I definitely would ask.

On another note, is there any point having a useless au pair, especially as they're now not a cheap option as they're paid min wage.

Completely agree and id imagine he's supporting the op at gruelling appointments and treatments too and needs to be with her.. Sorry for your loss.

Honestly. Get a more permanent childcare solution.

Your children will need some stability moving forward. A nanny or different aupair

Do you have one closer friend that you could ask to be the organiser?

Sorry to hear what you're going through, and I hope you get well soon.
I've been on the helping side of this situation twice, once for family and once for an acquaintance: in one, a family member arranged a weekly chart of shifts that we signed up for - it was mostly shifts in hospital. In the other, a few of us set up a WhatsApp group for specific acts of help. It felt really good to be able to help.

I think it's a really good idea, but it might be better if someone else is in charge of setting this up, after checking with you what you would like, so that some of the stress is off your shoulders.

I'm going to resist responding as I want to, because this isn't the place. But having lived through this when my late husband was undergoing treatment for his stage 4 cancer, I had to continue working as much as I could. Because we and our DDs needed to keep the roof over our heads, and not every job is flexible enough to manage the commitments one has to one's children.

If anyone had said that I was hiding behind my job, I'd have wanted to punch them, frankly. I'd far rather have been at home with him throughout.

As a family we ALL stepped up, including our poor daughters.

This is not the time to bring out the 'men are useless' posts.

There is a web site called lotsahelpinghands.com that helps to arrange just this kind of thing

you post what you need help with and then people can sign up for individual events/requests…the website then sends reminders etc

you can password protect the whole thing and only let certain people have access to keep your privacy

it takes a hour or so to figure it out and set it up, but then its easy to maintain. You can post health updates as well, so you dont have to keep repeating yourself.

I agree. Dropping them at breakfast club and then heading to work on a morning but would make it easier if you only have to worry about afternoon pick ups.

Is wrap around care an option? There used to be some kids who would only have childcare for the school runs at my DDs school. Some were child minders but did this along side too.

That way it’s 100% reliable and takes any last minute organising away when X or Y is off school that day or has an appointment/after school club and can’t do it.

I am so sorry to hear you have cancer and the stage you are.

I would definitely do this but also ask people first.

Usually people say if you need anything at all or if anything I can do please let me know. This whatsapp group is it, it people often want to help but don’t know what you want or need this list clarifies that and it is something practical and in the circumstances most people would be thankful for their own health and will absolutely offer to help out if they can.

OP is stage 4.

Of course you can ask (but you cannot keep the reason private).

Knowing your situation, I would do what I could to help you.

So sorry OP.

I would happily do this as your friend op. Forever is a big word. Keep it open ended.
Your friends will want to do all they can.

I can completely understand why you have kept quiet (my sil did the same, she didn’t want to be defined by it) but there comes a point when the village needs to know: let others
support and look after you 💐

I suspect many would be grateful for small ways to help you.

We say 'let me know if there's anything I can do ' but then often feel useless. Because you don't want to pester the person asking and don't want to offend them in making out they can't manage or sticking your foot in it.

'can you take x to school on Thursday ' is the kind of thing I'd jump at in your friends position because I'd really want to help you but wouldn't necessarily know how to in practical terms.

@honeyteddybear Many years ago, and by that I mean 60+, my mum and a group of mums from our Church did something similar for the mum of a girl in the year below me. I only found out after Elizabeth's mum died, that my mum did their laundry (by hand... no washing machine in our house) and made meals for them. It was probably about 6-8 women, but it was never spoken about afterwards except when my mum said, "she would have done it for any of us." Just ask and give the task of organising the rota to one of the group and don't make it just mums... you are now doing what people always say, "Just ask," and now you need to ask.

On a personal note, I am sorry you are going through this and if someone living in South London can be of any help, pls DM me.

Maintaining his salary for as long as possible may well be the most useful way for him to take responsibility for now. We don't know. It's also a reasonable thing for him to struggle with.

OP isn't asking for strangers to raise their DC, she's asking for a bit of help with the school run. It's not a big ask and her DH will have plenty to deal with as it is.

Please do this. Our class WhatsApp group does this, so anything from walking one child to school when a mum broke her leg, to playdates and park trips for another child whose mum was undergoing cancer treatment. It's easier to share the load and all of us want to be helpful!

I've been there but with stage 1, I know I was very lucky, and mine were 4 and 7 then. We had no family help nearby but a huge number of local friends and mums I didn't know as well took over dropping and picking the kids up when needed, fed them tea and took them to activities when I needed help.
I'd absolutely have a chat with them one to one first and make it apparent that you don't expect them to help and if they're happy to do so then create the WhatsApp group.
We found we had parent A that did chemo day for my daughter parent B that did the same for my son and other parents that dropped off, collected etc.

Not really. He's going to have to take responsibility for this, which might mean downsizing the job and lifestyle, or might mean paying for proper care - but it sounds like he has just gone 'here's an au pair, get on with it'.

Absolutely do it. If I was your friend I would want to help.

Hiding behind his job? Otherwise known as working in return for money so he can support his family...

What an unfair comment

Of course you're not being unreasonable and I hope you kick cancers arse. People will be only too willing to help.

That said, demanding job or not your DH has to learn to step up as far as sorting childcare goes. Lots of single parents have to manage.

I’d do this for you love - if you live in Yorkshire that is. It’s what friends are for. Let them help.