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Original poster

Please help me to sit on my hands and not write this message.

157 replies

FlamingGalar · 07/01/2025 13:30

My eldest DD split up with her boyfriend of five years in the summer. She had introduced him to her friendship group from school and he and his friends became part of this group and they all hung out together, went to parties etc.

The last year of the relationship was pretty awful for my DD. Her boyfriend would drink too much and become verbally abusive towards both her and other friends in the group. He would push her around and although he didn’t actually hit her, she became pretty scared of his unpredictability when he was drunk. She didn’t talk to us about this until they had split up. We saw a placid and sweet, if a little sad at times, guy that we had grown to love and care about as a family.

His mental health took a decline in the last two years they were together and we helped him to find a counsellor and gave him as much support as we could at this time. He was reluctant to talk to his parents and we did what we could to help while maintaining an appropriate amount of distance. We also encouraged him to talk to his parents which he ultimately did in the end, and they were very supportive and helpful when he opened up to them.

DDs female friends would tell her she needed to split up with him constantly toward the end. They saw this destructive behaviour from him and were at the receiving end of it many times. They were concerned for DD and the effect it was having on her. So in the summer DD had got to breaking point and broke the relationship off.

Since then DDs friendship group from school has completely ostracised her. Her closest friend dating back to primary school (and the most vocal about the relationships toxicity) has stopped messaging her and coming round. We were very close to her as a family and supported her through the toughest of times. I have taken her to hospital appointments and out for lunch afterwards for example. She’s been to family celebrations throughout the years and has basically been a part of our family since my DD became friends with her at the age of five.

My DD is devastated that her closest friend has sided with her ex, knowing all the details about how he was towards her during their relationship. There are constant posts of the friend and ex out together on social media. Just those two and as part of the wider friendship group. There was radio silence from her at Christmas and new year. There is no romantic involvement or interest from either side, I know that 100% so it’s utterly baffling. My DD has no friends to celebrate her upcoming 21st with and is understandably confused and very upset. I can’t help but feel really disappointed with this girl we have known and been close to as a whole family for so long, but I know I need to maintain a healthy distance from this situation.

I so desperately want to message her and tell her hurtful her behaviour has been towards my daughter and supposed best friend, but I know this is being far too involved in my daughters business. But it’s no exaggeration to say that my DD is devastated by this sudden withdrawal of friendship and she’s so so lonely right now. I’ve advised her to unfollow all of them on social media so she can’t see their posts, but she’s yet to do this. I won’t write this message to her but I really really want to!!

I guess what I’m asking for is some reinforcement from the wise mumsnetters to remind me of why this would be a bad idea, because my fingers are hovering over the keys right now.

Thank you for reading to the end of a ridiculously long post. As I write this I realise how overly invested I seem. I’m just so sad for my DD and disappointed in her friend’s choices.

OP posts:
Oreyt · 07/01/2025 14:06

Think I'm losing it. Did not read anything about a new bf.

astoundedgoat · 07/01/2025 14:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 07/01/2025 14:06

Sounds so awful and you feel you want to defend your daughter. I’d remind her she will make new friends. When people show their true colours believe them. She won’t be lonely for long but I agree about unfollowing on social media.

I would encourage both you and your daughter to give it as little energy and attention as possible. Write the letter and get your daughter to write one too then burn it on the fire. Good riddance to them and let new friends come into her life in this new year.x

DodoTired · 07/01/2025 14:04

Do.not.send.anything

also how can you be sure there is nothing between ex and friend? It 100% looks like they are hooking up. It would actually be better for your daughter as it would explain her friend’s behaviour and give her closure to move on from these assholes

Original poster
FlamingGalar · 07/01/2025 14:03

Hedgerow2 · 07/01/2025 13:55

You absolutely won't know everything so best to keep out.

Writing might make you feel better temporarily but it won't achieve anything. Even if the friend was contrite (unlikely) and wanted to make amends, your dd doesn't need friends like that.

She may not have any close friends at the moment but she does have a new boyfriend she can celebrate her 21st with. If they don't have much money maybe you could treat them to a meal out/night in a nice hotel/theatre tickets on her actual birthday.

Absolutely true on all counts. I’m sure there are elements to this that I have no idea about, that could explain this behaviour. And thank goodness for the new boyfriend. He’s absolutely lovely and has made plans for them to celebrate together. We have a big family so we have a fun celebration planned together too. Just need to get her over this difficult first bit.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/01/2025 14:00

The hardest thing for your DD has probably also been Christmas, NY and now her 21st coming up.
Its particularly hard when its a painful break up like this one.
Can you plan something fab for her to do for her 21st that doesn't revolve around the traditional party with peers? as this may not happen and will leave her even more depressed.
Something like maybe a day or weekend trip to Paris... or a night out with a big show and posh restaurant? You know best what she would like. Its hard when they have been feeling sad and lonely and difficult to make conversations when they do meet up with people. And at least this will give her a chance to say when asked "Oh I did this for my 21st instead.."

Was also thinking is there anyone else in the group she is still in contact with? that she could just catch up with and ask what's going on. Or it might be better to just leave it and you don't want to feed the beast. You and DD will know which is the best approach here.
In the meantime, I'd encourage your DD to be as busy as possible. Try new things where she can meet new people. Any local clubs or hobbies... and plan a bit of travel later on in the year. So that she has lots of things to focus on and talk about.

The BF's unpleasant habits will soon start showing themselves and people will wise up. It sounds as if she is well shot of the pair of them.

Matilda761 · 07/01/2025 14:00

This all sounds very upsetting for your DD (and you, too), but a couple of things struck me:

  1. I mean this in a kind way, but everyone sounds ridiculously overly ‘involved’ in one another’s lives. I see why you and your daughter would have this kind of relationship, and her and her now ex. But the relationships she has with her friends seem very over invested and still in the ‘teenager’ stage if that makes sense? At this age, it is normal for some school friendships to change and dissipate and a great new chapter of adult friendships appear with work, travelling etc etc. And tbh I don’t understand why her mum is so involved with her friendships either? I’m mid 30s but this certainly wasn’t common when I was 21. Doesn’t it just add on layers of complication?
  2. she’s well off out of that relationship. Celebrate her new beginnings and opportunity to move forward to better things
LaDeeDaDeeDa · 07/01/2025 13:55

Write a letter if it makes you feel better getting your angst out but absolutely do not send it.

What would happen if they became friends again?

Be there to console your daughter and raise her spirits but don't meddle or stick your beak in.

Hedgerow2 · 07/01/2025 13:55

You absolutely won't know everything so best to keep out.

Writing might make you feel better temporarily but it won't achieve anything. Even if the friend was contrite (unlikely) and wanted to make amends, your dd doesn't need friends like that.

She may not have any close friends at the moment but she does have a new boyfriend she can celebrate her 21st with. If they don't have much money maybe you could treat them to a meal out/night in a nice hotel/theatre tickets on her actual birthday.

Oreyt · 07/01/2025 13:53

Oh no she isn't. Confused.

Oreyt · 07/01/2025 13:52

The friend is male?

Oreyt · 07/01/2025 13:50

The friend already knows what you've done for her so bringing that up wouldn't make much difference.

If your dd was under 18/19 I'd probably message her but not 20.

I've had similar with dds friends (12 and 14) and I don't message the mums but some of the other mums message constantly about the other kids.

Why are you so sure they aren't romantically involved?

Original poster
FlamingGalar · 07/01/2025 13:48

Daisyvodka · 07/01/2025 13:40

Gently - I think you are being very naive about the friend and the ex being together now - it's the only explanation for any of this.
Write it, don't send it, burn it - it will make you feel better. So sorry your DD is going through this!

Definitely no romantic involvement. As obvious as this seems to be the case, it’s absolutely not, although I do think there’s a relevance to them being the opposite sexes. These are the only male friends most of the girls in the group have and this holds significance for them.

I think perhaps my DD just thought her friendship with these people was more meaningful than her friends did.

OP posts:
Mnetcurious · 07/01/2025 13:46

It’s quite possible that the ex has told the rest of them a load of complete lies, leading to them all siding with him. A friend of mine was in an emotionally abusive relationship but when she finally ended it, he went round telling everyone that he had been the one being abused - the complete opposite of the truth. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is the case and even to those who’ve witnessed his bad behaviour, he has ‘justified’ it in some way because he’s really the true victim.
I also agree with pps that it sounds like something may be going on with the friend and the ex.

nestingvillage · 07/01/2025 13:44

I don't think you sound over invested, just a concerned and lovely mum who needs somewhere to vent. Your instincts to write but not send are sound.

It's horrible seeing your young adult children going through tough times and I don't envy you but you will get through it and there will be brighter times ahead.

Porcuporpoise · 07/01/2025 13:43

Just keep reiterating to your dd that she made the right decision when she broke things off. She can do better than him and better than her so called friend.

I can quite see why you want to tell the "friend" what a two-faced bitch she is but honestly, don't. Nothing good can come of it.

titchy · 07/01/2025 13:43

FlamingGalar · 07/01/2025 13:41

My DD has a new boyfriend and I suspect it’s something to do with this. The emotional manipulation that she was subjected to my her ex at the end, I suspect has transferred to others in the friendship group.

In addition, DDs ‘best friend’ became very close to DDs ex’s best friend and I think it’s as much about not wanted to break the whole group up as anything else. I don’t really think it’s about my DD at all. Just a need to keep the group together and it’s easiest to ostracise my DD from it than split themselves in half, if that makes sense.

Cross posts - yeah that does make sense sadly.

Original poster
FlamingGalar · 07/01/2025 13:42

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear, and I’ll keep it in mind every time I want to write that message.

OP posts:
titchy · 07/01/2025 13:42

Rogue friend could also be involved with one of the ex's friendship group and wants to keep hanging out with them, which means hanging out with ex.

Original poster
FlamingGalar · 07/01/2025 13:41

My DD has a new boyfriend and I suspect it’s something to do with this. The emotional manipulation that she was subjected to my her ex at the end, I suspect has transferred to others in the friendship group.

In addition, DDs ‘best friend’ became very close to DDs ex’s best friend and I think it’s as much about not wanted to break the whole group up as anything else. I don’t really think it’s about my DD at all. Just a need to keep the group together and it’s easiest to ostracise my DD from it than split themselves in half, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
NeverEatShreddiesWheat · 07/01/2025 13:41

Write and don’t send. Poisonous post-break up letters only make the sender look deranged and can be used against you. You definitely don’t know all the details here and your daughter won’t thank you.

Write him off, console your daughter/rejoice in her luck escape and make good your lives.

Hesonlyakidharry · 07/01/2025 13:41

Is this guy sort of the central “lad” in the group? And if they cut him, they lose all the boys he brought with him when he and your daughter merged their friendship groups?

Lammveg · 07/01/2025 13:41

This actually happened to me.
My ex and 'friend' ended up together.

It's a distant memory now, although I'm sure it feels awful at the minute. All you can do is put your efforts towards supporting DD. I agree write the letter but don't send it.

Daisyvodka · 07/01/2025 13:40

Gently - I think you are being very naive about the friend and the ex being together now - it's the only explanation for any of this.
Write it, don't send it, burn it - it will make you feel better. So sorry your DD is going through this!

titchy · 07/01/2025 13:39

BIossomtoes · 07/01/2025 13:34

I don’t understand. Her friends were urging her to finish the relationship so it’s illogical that this would be the reason for ostracising her. There’s something else going on here that you don’t know about. And of course you shouldn’t interfere.

Yeah does sound odd. I know you've said there's no romantic interest between ex and former friend, but this definitely sounds like there could be - why else would she take his side all of a sudden?

Do the rest of her old friendship group feel the same - take this rogue friend out of the equation - could she approach one of the others to see what's really going on. Is rogue friend a dominant character who has turned the rest of the group against her - perhaps because she has designs/a relationship with the ex?