Please help me to sit on my hands and not write this message.

You're far too involved. Dd will make, break and makeup many friendships. She's a adult - I wouldn't try to intervene.

She needs time on her own after an abusive relationship so young.

I would just thank your lucky stars that the relationship is over. An abusive 5 year relationship by the time you’re 21, is far too much, too young.

My older daughter is very confident. She felt she had outgrown her school friendship group at 22. We had words about how it was ok to move on, but how she needed to do so sensitively and without making anyone feel bad. It was hard to navigate but she managed it and I was glad to help her. Just because they are adults, doesn’t mean they know it all and advice from parents can be helpful.

Ah that's so sad OP but as others say you can't get involved - she is 20 after all - and unfortunately has to learn to negotiate relationship difficulties in life. As others say chances are you don't know everything, and as you say it may be that they don't want to upset their little social circle applecart and, rather weakly, have chosen instead to sacrifice your DD.
My DD was in a similar situation at 18 when she suddenly fell out with her two best friends who she'd been really close to throughout secondary. She would never tell me all that went on (now 9 yrs ago) as it's still painful.
Could your DD approach some of the members of the group and see them on an individual basis? I don't see that it would impact on the group. Chances are that the group will disintegrate in time anyway.

You sound like a lovely mother, and your poor DD is in a horrible situation. But anything you do will make it worse right now. have the conversation in your head, even write it out if you need to, but do not share it with anyone except yourself.

I agree that this sounds highly likely. It is a hard life lesson for your DD to learn. You could explain that people who behave like this haven't really grown up and aren't real friends. They are nice to people that are of use to them and let others go that are not so useful - so they are "users". She will make better friends at Uni and throughout life and will soon realise that "real" friends like you for yourself; you're not of use to them and you don't have to try to impress them either.

As time goes on, she will hopefully finish her degree and move into the world of work where she will make more new friends. She may move to a different area as well. In the meantime, please encourage her to try some new activities or hobbies or go and stay with other relatives or friends if she is finding it lonely at home. I agree with lots of PPs who have recommended a nice holiday or trip for her 21st. Depending upon budget she could go with her friends from Uni and/or her new boyfriend. It's quite a nice adult thing to do.

Definitely don't contact the ex-best friend in any way, particularly in writing. If you do happen to cross paths with her, you can either look straight ahead and "not see" her or eyeball her directly with your best resting bitch face on. Either way, you won't need to say a word and she will understand perfectly. I'd go with not seeing her directly in front of you as it shows her that she is now insignificant to you.

After a few weeks, you could casually point out to your DD how much calmer and nicer things are now the ex-friend and ex boyfriend are no longer part of her life with their constant dramas. Over time, she may feel some relief that the drama has reduced.

The friend is a major bitch and probably encouraged your daughter to end it as she was jealous of your daughter and fancied your daughters ex.

Some women are willing to overlook some pretty terrible behaviour from men in order to date them as they are desperate and insecure.

You say their not together but they are probably sleeping together.

Your daughter needs to spend time with other friends;unfortunately it would seem some women still act like bitchy teenage playground bullies.

How do you know for sure there is no romantic involvement, do you look under their sheets at night? The may fancy him without shouting about it from the rooftop.

It happens.
I used to date a horrible guy in secondary school. I became friends withthis girl who also knew him. She kept on encouraging me to break up, and when I did, she became friends with him and stopped talking to me.

I dont think it's that hard to get. Sometimes bullies are very charismatic, and sometimes it's easier to side with the strong bully than with a weaker victim- especially if you alsodont want to be at the receiving end of the bullying once you sided with the other side.

Have her ex, ex best friend and that group remained at home and not gone to uni ? I was on the receiving end of similar treatment when I went to Uni. Sort of reverse snobbery.

I can see the temptation op. My dd is 16 and her now former friend (friends from age 4) has treated her abysmally and said the most dreadful and inexcusable things about dd to her. Real abuse and cyber bullying. I haven’t gone to the family or spoken to her, much as I’ve wanted to, especially as she’s made herself out to be the victim when all dd did was go out with a boy the now ex friend fancied. She has finally just apologised 4 months on but this changes nothing. This isn’t the first time. But it is the most vicious. Some things cannot be undone.

If I see her in the street I will acknowledge her. But I will not talk to her. Should she attempt to talk to me, I will refuse and tell her she knows why. Would this be helpful for you to do the same op?

I'm sorry that your daughter is suffering. Would she feel better if you took her away for a holiday on her 21st instead?

I think in a way it doesn’t matter how they were behaving as children and teens they are adults now, they’ve changed and they make their own conscious choices. So whatever happens your daughter won’t get her lovely childhood friends back they don’t exist any more.
Your writing or saying something will just show “the gang” that they do matter for your daughter and she cares about their presence in her life, it will show how important they are. No, no, no. Just ignore them and get on with your life, don’t give them satisfaction that they are important somehow as they are not.

Abusers often groom the network around the person OP so many of your daughters friends may still be enthralled by him. Abusers often have an eye on someone new if they know a relationship is doomed and they are experts at finding those who are vulnerable.

This is a really good point.

It sounds very much like your DD will be better off without this girl in the long term.

Don't romanticise the issue of "cherished childhood school friend". Just because someone is a long time friend, it doesn't mean they are a good friend. It sounds like friend's behaviour has not always been great, but your dd/you have smoothed this over. Sorry to be blunt, but cut the disloyal bitch loose and be happy about it.

No, keep out. The former friend has got involved with the ex - and will regret it. She's currently coping with feelings for him, guilt over how she's treated her friend plus jealousy that they were in a relationship once, and the fallout from how he'll be behaving towards her. Leave them both to it.

Focus on your daughter.

She's a still very young adult and she will make new friends, have other relationships.

Help her deal with this sadness and disappointment in their behaviour - and be there as she moves on. It's temporary.

Agree with this. I think there’s more to this than you know. I suspect the friend does have feelings for the boyfriend. In you shoes I think I would tell your dd that this is not what real friends do- they all sound v immature and she did the right think breaking up with someone who behaved and bullied her. Show her threads on here of women married to alcoholic ms, kids etc, trapped. That’s what she has avoided for herself and should be congratulated in doing so! can you do something fabulous with her? A lovely holiday the two of you? Or weekend shopping and lunch etc. Stand by her side and keep lifting her up. lots of luck x

Going to also add that it’s worth considering that if the ex was manipulative and controlling that of course he’ll have honed in on your dd’s best friend

especially if she has had a traumatic childhood that may have left her vulnerable to being groomed charmed

so vitriol towards her might not be the best use of energy - could be in a few months time she will be in the position your dd was in prior to Christmas - only without her best friend in the picture at all

nice and isolated, just how abusers prefer, along with a big dash of self-loathing/guilt that she doesn’t deserve any better bc of her actions towards your dd

Different circumstances, but my daughter went through similar aged 17 to 19. My rage at this former friend was off the scale, especially as I knew the parents well. I confess I was full of rage and wanted to text her/her mum. Instead I admit I just bitched about this girl to friends who did not know who she was and I vented and they let me. My daughter wasn’t angry, just hurt and devastated.

Several years on, they now get on again. I admit that deep down I haven’t forgiven her for the absolutely nasty things she said to my daughter and the effect on my girl’s confidence. But I am glad now that I said nothing.

Support your daughter but do not get involved. She's an adult and needs to navigate these situations on her own.