To think it’s abusive to always get your own way

You sound like my sister. There are various ways she responds when she doesn't get her way: a look of disgust, condescending tone, going quiet, subtly punishing people later, 'teasing' (bullying) the person who didn't give way to her, riding roughshod over the opinions of others. The result is that people distance themselves from her ultimately because she puts herself centre stage. It's very sad that she even prompts her children to behave the same...she literally says to her daughter 'front and centre darling, front and centre'. It's actually really grim and leaves a bad taste in most people's mouths. It makes her very unlikeable overall, which is a shame because she does have fantastic aspects too. Her husband goes along with most things because she provides him with a very good quality of life, so day-to-day she goes unchallenged. However, I know he's had affairs. A lot of her old friends have little to do with her and her siblings have learned to keep her at arms length, which I'm sure she's gutted about but it's no fun being forced to play the queen's subjects.
How does your need to have your own way manifest itself? Really think about it. If you are doing some of the things my sister does, it really is worth trying to overcome this urge in you because you may be left very lonely.

i think it’s really fantastic that you’re doing some self-reflection- first step to having healthy relationships and acting in ways that you’re proud of. This is really good stuff and I wish you the best on this journey.

honestly, I think this question is far too big for mumsnett to answer, and I think that therapy is actually the way to go. For example, in order to answer your question, ‘is it abusive to always get your own way’, we’d need to know some context:

• how do you react if you don’t get your own way? Are you aggressive, passive aggressive, unkind? Ie are you acting in ways that make others afraid to say ‘no’.
• how do you try to ‘get your own way’? Do you give others a CHANCE to say ‘no’? Or do you just assume a ‘yes’? Eg splitting house chores (just an example), let’s say you leave the kitchen super messy, and you know your partner is having his mum over for dinner that evening. By not cleaning, you’re forcing him to do it bc of the pressure of his mum coming over, even tho there technically hasn’t been a yes/no conversation about it.
• what are the relationship dynamics like in general? Is there a power dynamic in the relationship with you on top?

these are all questions we would need to know in order to understand if you’re abusive, and we probably won’t know because when you’re in a mindset it’s hard to see outside of it, if that makes sense. These are questions you need to think about long and hard with a professional, to understand exactly what abusive behaviours you’re enacting and why you do this

If you were a narcissist it’s unlikely you’d be reflecting on yourself in this way.

Can I ask which narcissistic traits you think you have? It's not typically narcissistic to be concerned about being overbearing.

I think I get "my way" most of the time, but my dp really struggles to make decisions, especially ones in his favour. So I often decide things based on what I think he wants if that's right. Or what suits us best as a family.

Maybe do a sense check. Is what you want what’s best for you or is it what’s best for the group?

If you are like my mum, then she wants a restaurant that ticks all her boxes but doesn’t actually suit anyone else. That’s toxic.
If you want a restaurant that meets most people’s needs, then you probably aren’t toxic even if it’s always your choice that succeeds.

It’s good you check yourself. I check myself. I have traits like my mum, but I also have practiced habits that offset it. Like actively sharing things I’m attached to, making choices that work better for other people than me. It keeps me honest!

Depends. My husband probably gets his way most of the time but that's because I'm extremely laid back and rarely have a strong opinion either way - so I often don't really care and am happy to go along with someone who does.

I think you should examine in more details exactly how decisions are made in your partnership rather than just looking at the outcome. Are they just more naturally passive, were they always? Do you feel you take advantage of that?

I think you’re right to be concerned. But the fact that you are concerned is good. You can be more aware of it. That may well be all it takes to fix a problem if there is one

I guess the next time there is a disparity between what you want to do and what your DH or a friend want to do, pause and allow for them to have their way, and see how it feels.

Well if you’re like someone I know who nearly always gets their way, then people walk on eggshells so as not to upset you. You surround yourself with people who won’t stand their ground against you and prefer to defer to you to keep the peace.

I’m married to someone like you. He always has to get his way. If he doesn’t it’s more trouble than it’s worth (which is how he does it without being OTT awful).

He had a toxic upbringing.

It’s vile and ultimately renders both of us very unhappy from time to time. It may ultimately end the marriage.

So I don’t think it is abusive but it’s not great - for either of you

I don’t think you get your own way 100%. It is impossible. It might be rather that you are reasonable enough not to want unrealistic things, to recognize the other person’s arguments at the very early stage and work towards a compromise.